Source: Cabin Pressure - Tumblr Posts

Gwaine: I'm old enough to be your father!

Mordred: Not unless you started really young.

Gwaine: I did.

Morgana: *approaches Merlin and Arthur*

Morgana: Gentlemen.

Arthur: Oh dear.

Morgana: What?

Arthur: It's always trouble when we're 'gentlemen'. I prefer when we're 'imbeciles'.

Merlin: Or 'dolts'.

Arthur: Yeah, 'dolts' is good, yes.

Merlin: How did it go?

Arthur: Fine.

Arthur: Fine.

Arthur: Fine.

Arthur: Fine.

Arthur: Fine.

Merlin: Oh, yeah. Everything you say five times is obviously true.

Gwaine: You know what really makes you happy?

*Gwaine pulls out 3 apples*

Arthur: Apples?

Gwaine: No of course not. No one really likes apples. You have to toss them from one hand to the other.

*Gwaine, Arthur and Merlin each start tossing an apple in their hands*

Merlin: You know there is something...pleasant about it.

Arthur: It's...stragely satisfying, but I wouldn't say I'm happy.

Gwaine: Give it a bit longer.

Morgana: Oh, look. The world's least impressive group of jugglers.

Merlin: Maybe we should make this more interesting.

Arthur: I'm not betting, Merlin. I told you.

Merlin: Why not?

Arthur: Because I always- *coughs*

Arthur: B-be-because it's beneath my dignity as prince.

Arthur: Gwaine enough is enough. You opened an unlicensed pub. In the castle. For the knights. On duty. Merlin how long have you known about it?

Merlin: I only just found out about it. Right this second.

Arthur: Tell me who's been coming here, Gwaine.

Gwaine: Ah, you see, I have a terrible memory for faces.

Arthur: I want a list of the names of everyone who's been drinking here.

Gwaine: Also names. Faces and names. Those are my weak spots.

Merlin: Oh come on, you have taken a lot of maidens to bed, haven't you?

Gwaine: More than you could possibly imagine.

Merlin: Well that's not true. I could imagine...A thousand maidens.

Gwaine: And your point is...?

Arthur: Merlin, you never overrule a code red.

Merlin: Yes, I know-

Arthur: Why do you never overrule a code red?

Merlin: *sighs* Because a code red is there to stop me when I'm being too helpful.

Merlin: And I can't stop being too helpful by being more helpful.

Arthur: Exactly.

Gaius: The 'I am always right' attitude is the most fatal one. Maybe you know someone with that attitude.

Merlin: Yes, I certainly do.

Gaius: Oh, don't name any names.

Merlin: No, no. Of course not. Let's just call him...Artie.

Merlin: Artie always ignores advice, he doesn't listen to the voice of reason...He- he basically thinks he's always right.

Arthur: Has it occurred to you, that maybe Artie is always right?

Merlin: Well, it has definitely occurred to Artie.

Merlin: I suppose you think you're very clever, don't you?

Arthur: I'll let you in to a little secret.

Arthur: I sometimes do.

Arthur: Is that understood?

Merlin: Yes.

Arthur: Yes, what?

Merlin: Yes, it is.

Arthur: Yes, it is what?

Merlin: Yes, it is understood.

Arthur: Yes, it is understood what?

Merlin: *sighs* You're not seriously asking me to call you 'Sire', are you?

Arthur: Yes, I am. Because I am your King and that's the appropriate way to address me. So, is that understood?

Merlin: Yes.

Merlin: …

Merlin: Sire.

*later*

Gaius: And where were you in all this, Merlin? Don't tell me you voluntarily participated in this?

Merlin: I did suggest an alternative plan to Sire.

Merlin: But Sire quite properly reminded me, that Sire is in command.

Merlin: And that we should all obey Sire at all times.

Gaius: Who reminded you?

Merlin: King Arthur.

Merlin: Or as I am privileged to call him: Sire.

Arthur: Is that understood?

Merlin: Yes.

Arthur: Yes, what?

Merlin: Yes, it is.

Arthur: Yes, it is what?

Merlin: Yes, it is understood.

Arthur: Yes, it is understood what?

Merlin: *sighs* You’re not seriously asking me to call you ‘Sire’, are you?

Arthur: Yes, I am. Because I am your King and that’s the appropriate way to address me. So, is that understood?

Merlin: Yes.

Merlin: …

Merlin: Sire.

Arthur: Where's Morgana?

Merlin: Sharpening her teeth.

Arthur: Brushing.

Merlin: Brushing her teeth. Yes. Sorry.

Arthur: Merlin?

Merlin: Yes?

Arthur: Are you still there?

Merlin: Yes.

Arthur: Then don't be.

Arthur: So here are all the things that you're allowed to do during the feast.

Merlin: Wait, let me write it down.

Arthur: You don't have to write it down. It's nothing.

Merlin: …Nothing?

Arthur: Nothing.

Merlin:

Merlin: I'd still quite like to write it down.

Arthur: *while Merlin is in the tavern* I've been ringing my summon-an-idiot-bell for ages. And yet, have I an idiot to show for my trouble? I have not!

Merlin: We'll make time for your poetry lesson later, Sire.

Arthur: Yes, Merlin- what are you doing with your face?

Merlin: I'm winking.

Arthur: You're only supposed to use one eye.

Merlin: I know, but I can only do that if I hold the other one open with my finger, and I thought Morgana would notice.

Morgana: You're making the mistake of thinking Morgana cares.

Morgana: I am sorry. Arthur is going through a stage where he is very pleased with himself for being accidentally born king. They all go through it.

Merlin: For his father it lasted 60 years.

Gaius: Merlin, when you meet the king, do not look at him directly.

Merlin: Are you sure you're not confusing him with the sun?

Arthur: Really, Morgana? Merlin? Is this wise?

Morgana: I know, but you don't have a choice.

Arthur: You really want me to rely on Merlin, Merlin, to ride out and escort a princess, a princess, all the way from Escetir to Camelot on horseback, on horseback, so I can ask her to be my queen?

Merlin: Why shouldn't I?

Arthur: Because, Merlin, you're an idiot. You'll probably get lost or scare her off before you can even cross the border.

Morgana: That's what I'm counting on.