I Want To Fall Asleep While We Are On A Call.

I want to fall asleep while we are on a call.

He is still up and playing video games and I am slowly drifting off while listening to him.

Maybe I am in half sleep when he decides to also go to bed and tells me goodnight love and hangs up while I smile and fall completely asleep again.

Tw: slight mention of sh

I want to tell him how much he is improving my quality if life but I don't want to be annoying...

I fucking started sewing again?? I am making my own clothes and patches and I started studying again.

And it's okay. He even passively stopped me from relapsing soooo many times.

I see my wounds healing and I am okay-ish with it. He tells me I'm pretty. He tells me he likes me. And I kind of belive him.

I want to tell him all of that. I want to tell him that he is really helping me by just existing the way he is.

He makes me feel safe and protected and better.

I want to text him. I want to ask him how he is. I want to know how his day was. I want to just know that he is still alive.

I am trying so hard not to text him. So fucking hard. I don't want to be annoying. But i want to text with him.

Would I see a shooting star right now I would wish for him to text me. Even if it's just good night.

That sounds so desperate. Am I really that pathetic? I could just not care, I can do that on command, but that just leaves nothingness.

It would make things easier tho. I could just not care about him anymore. Indifferent to whatever he does or does not do.

Tw: ed

Why do most of my friends have eating disorders??? And why am I falling back into mineee?

Seeing myself is making me nauseous and I am getting bigger and bigger by the day.

I thought I really beat it. I was doing so great and accepted my body as it is but now I can't anymore.

There is so much fat. I am just fat. So big. So much. I have to get smaller again.

I try so hard not to throw up after I've eaten. I try so hard to eat normal portions. But I see myself replacing food with water and clenching cravings with ice cubes again.

Chewing gum is keeping my mouth occupied while I try and eat something else.

It's getting harder again. And I think I kind of want to be consumed by it.

i hate having rejection sensitive dysphoria, it makes me so stressed to the point where i make myself sick :/ it’s hard for me to self soothe, and i don’t like bothering other people with stuff like this, so i usually just deal with it, but it’s so stressful

posting on tumblr cause i don’t have anyone to talk to, tired of burdening my fp with my feelings, it just pushes them further away, im so lonely.