Tw: Ed

Tw: ed

Why do most of my friends have eating disorders??? And why am I falling back into mineee?

Seeing myself is making me nauseous and I am getting bigger and bigger by the day.

I thought I really beat it. I was doing so great and accepted my body as it is but now I can't anymore.

There is so much fat. I am just fat. So big. So much. I have to get smaller again.

I try so hard not to throw up after I've eaten. I try so hard to eat normal portions. But I see myself replacing food with water and clenching cravings with ice cubes again.

Chewing gum is keeping my mouth occupied while I try and eat something else.

It's getting harder again. And I think I kind of want to be consumed by it.

Tw: sh

Strong urge to cut open my lip. Also the rest of my skin, but mostly just my lip. I also want to sew myself back together after I rip myself apart. Like, literally.

I am so confused?

Latin. I fucking hate Latin.

No, I actually don't, but I hate having to study it.

Why do I have to know the future infinitive passive?

What??? Why?

I hate being a boy on his period.

I hate the hormones and the pain and the cravings and the dysphoria. It's all shit.

Why am I craving cheese? Why does it feel like my guts are tangled up in knots? Why do I even have to get a period? I don't want to birth children.

Fuckkkkkk

I think being held and comforted while I cry in their arms and they whisper sweet things into my ear would safe me.

Just the two of us, existing and feeling and letting it all go and being warm and not happy, not even okay, but better.

I just really need something to hold onto while I let go completely.

I hate when my mum touches me even tho I already told her no.

Not in a weird sexual way, just in a I've already told her not to hug me way and she still does it.

I told her no over and over again and she still grabs me and hugs me and is awfully close to me.

I tell her my boundaries and she's like, oh, these are worthless.

Fuck this. Why can't she respect them??