Tw: Ed

Tw: ed

Why do most of my friends have eating disorders??? And why am I falling back into mineee?

Seeing myself is making me nauseous and I am getting bigger and bigger by the day.

I thought I really beat it. I was doing so great and accepted my body as it is but now I can't anymore.

There is so much fat. I am just fat. So big. So much. I have to get smaller again.

I try so hard not to throw up after I've eaten. I try so hard to eat normal portions. But I see myself replacing food with water and clenching cravings with ice cubes again.

Chewing gum is keeping my mouth occupied while I try and eat something else.

It's getting harder again. And I think I kind of want to be consumed by it.

Tw: slight mention of sh

I want to tell him how much he is improving my quality if life but I don't want to be annoying...

I fucking started sewing again?? I am making my own clothes and patches and I started studying again.

And it's okay. He even passively stopped me from relapsing soooo many times.

I see my wounds healing and I am okay-ish with it. He tells me I'm pretty. He tells me he likes me. And I kind of belive him.

I want to tell him all of that. I want to tell him that he is really helping me by just existing the way he is.

He makes me feel safe and protected and better.

I hate being a boy on his period.

I hate the hormones and the pain and the cravings and the dysphoria. It's all shit.

Why am I craving cheese? Why does it feel like my guts are tangled up in knots? Why do I even have to get a period? I don't want to birth children.

Fuckkkkkk

My mind is running, I wanna do everything all at once now please!

Give me somethinggg to doooo.

Pleaseee??

My heart is hurting and I feel like he doesn't care right now. But I also know that I am wrong. He does care and he has his own life.

I don't want to overwhelm him, I don't want to be too much. And that's okay for me. I can love the normal amount. Or at least try to.

The rain is making things better. It's calming me. But I still wish we could cuddle.

It's hard reassuring myself that he still likes me because It's hard for me to like myself. And that's okay. I just have to remember all the good things and the love I felt then.

I just haven't fully learned yet to let go. To let him be.

Maybe I should try not texting him as long as possible to give him some space??

Tw: sh

Was just thinking about cutting open my chest and stomach and seeing the blood run out of me.

Really wanted to do it but I know taht I shouldn't so I tried finding reasons not to.

I couldn't find anything and cried into my hoodie and then BAM!

I remembered that I was wearing his t-shirt and it still smells like him and I just cuddled into it and cried and tried to calm myself.

It kinda worked, I didn't relapse yet