(While CPII Was Playing Yakuza 4 And Discovered A Dead Body)

(While CPII was playing Yakuza 4 and discovered a dead body)

Ghostie: “Do you know what the Yakuza do?!”

Me: “Do not engage the autistic man in his gay-ass hyperfixiation, you will not win that fight”

CPII: *Obscure giggling*

Me, watching a cutscene of ichiban getting out of jail: “where’s the scruff?”

CPII: “his scruff is gone”

Me, panicking for Ichiban: “HE’S SCRUFFLESS?!”

Something I’ll never forget is when my partner and I first started dating; Ghostie and I came by after her shift was over (she closes where we work) and while sitting in the backseat with her my tics begin to do their thing. One of my not so common tics is kind of like an arm flinging type thing. It’s not too violent of anything but you deff don’t wanna be next to me when it happens. She had known I had tics before we started dating, but wasn’t all too well versed about it.

She holds my hand and goes “you can control it I believe in you” in the most encouraging voice ever. Before I I can respond my arm responds for me and flings out to my side. Ghostie and I are laughing because my partner was trying (and failing) to hold my hand before realizing “oh, never mind” 🤣🤣🤣

VENT

I’ll edit later bc I know it’s written all wacky and the tenses make no sense. I’m tired and I need to go to bed, it’s already light out 😭😭😭

I love my partner; there’s literally nothing she could do that I wouldn’t crumble into a pile of adoration over.

Her stepdad is a different story…I’ve met the guy twice in our relationship so far. The second time was after a night out with my partner and Ghostie. We went to a popular urban legend spot and ran out like little bitches after hearing a LOUD shriek which at 4 in the morning really fucks with you (lol). We went there to drop my partner back at her place. Our interaction consisted of a simple “goodnight be safe yada yada, nice to meet you by the way, I’m dating your kid”

The FIRST time I met her stepdad was at work. I was working fast food at that point in time. I had NO CLUE who he was. He came up to the front counter and said (word for word)

“hi, can i get a medium fry to go? Who’s your T doctor?”

My guy W H A T ? You meet your kid’s partner and the first thing you do is ask about my medicals? What happened to “hi nice to meet you?” And either way, I was on the clock, at work; doing work things. At the time I didn’t even know who the hell he was either. There was zero introduction. For all I knew he was a complete stranger.

While it was an incredibly invasive question I answered honestly, explaining that at that point due to the law change I stopped taking T until after my birthday (which was a month before this interaction) he kinda “hmm”’d at me and said something about his T shots and it hit me; bro is also trans. I wouldn’t have ever guessed that. I thought that was super neat cause now I knew I already had something in common with him.

A few days ago my partner told me that because I don’t bind or go out of my way to present one way or another that her stepdad was making comments that I’m “not really trans” because I don’t bind at work.

First off, not that it’s her stepdads business, but binding in a hot and greasy workplace while being a smoker and on top that being off of T which means my estrogen levels rocketed and thus made my boobas painful didn’t seem like a great idea. I choose breathing over chest pain :)

Second, I was stealthing at work aside from like 2 other coworkers who I know outside of work.

Third, I don’t owe anyone any type of masculinity or femininity. I dress comfortably and while I do present masculine outside of work sometimes I’m just lazy or not feeling like putting a lot of effort into the way I look.

Fourth- blud has been on T much longer than I have at that point, so no. Im not gonna look like a cis dude. And I don’t really give a shit 🤷

Why in the world was someone who has years of being trans on me try to beef with me and “out trans” me??? I’d met him twice at this point and both times I had been as respectful as possible to him.

The part that really got under my skin though, was that her stepdad has been raving about how I seem delicate and stupid, I’m going to be hate crimed, I needed protection from my partner, etc.

Delicate? Sure, I have vulnerable moments, but for the most part I’m delicate like a landmine and if you step on the pressure plate too hard yeah, I’m gonna explode.

Stupid? Yes. But just because I do stupid things and make some stupid choices doesn’t make me a stupid person. I’m competent and capable. I wasn’t climbing the work ladder with my stupidity that’s for damn sure.

Hate crimed? Unfortunately yes, but I do my best to not instigate and try my damndest not to put myself in situations like that.

Need protection? Nah, I’m good. Daddy raised a cryer with good aim, not a bitch :)

The “delicate” comment came from right after my parents nearly got divorced twice in one month and I lost the only grandparent on my dad’s side of the family that I had left. The women who raised me and the other woman I liked calling “mom”. Why can’t I be vulnerable in that moment and let myself feel upset over something devastating like that???

I’m not gonna go create beef with her stepdad or anything; but it’s really fucking frustrating that I feel like I suddenly have something to prove :(

Dysphoria is usually like a 3/10 like I can handle it and all, but now it’s like a 6/10 and it hurts a little more :/ and I was really hoping I might be able to get tips or even bond over also being trans with him over time.

Me: “but the T I D D I E S”

Pip-Pip: “I know you like boobs Ehvee, but it’s weird, cus your gay”

Everytime I think about you the only sounds I can make are the same I made when I knew nothing; guttural and raw and without articulation

The same sounds I once used as an infant to tell people what was going on in my little head

And that I think it’s kinda poetic, a feeling so strong that the only thing I can think to justify it is a sound rather than a word