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CPII, talking about his jeep: “I got ducked today :D”

Me: “dammit, I wanted to take your duck-ginity”

CPII: “…Don’t EVER say that again”

“Why is it that every time you have something decent going for you, you find a way to derail it?”

I’ve been screwed so much in my life that u less I end up self sabotaging myself it doesn’t feel like I ever deserved it. I know it isn’t right, I know it’s my own fault.

IM NOT A VIOLENT DOG; I DON’T KNOW WHY I BITE

Written in all sorts of POV’s because I’m unorganized and angry. Will edit later, I need to vent.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentions and implications of SA, suicidal ideations if you read between the lines, a now ex friend who made fun of my experience

This is a VENT!!!

Innocence died screamin’

Honey ask me, I would know

I screamed. Begged. Pleaded. Eventually I had to punch.

My innocence died at 13 and I still remember waking up in that truckbed with sore knuckles surrounded by vomit.

And I didn’t cope with it in any healthy way. All the way up until the night after my 18th birthday I let people use me and jerk me around with my emotions as a collar.

So forgive me, cunt; if I tell you something with the confidence you won’t treat it like a joke. Forgive me if I’m angry and explosive when you treat these things as if it’s another story to go and tell all of our friends because you think you’re soooo special for not “giving it away” until well after your 20th. Forgive me if that makes me “an easy lay” for being vulnerable around people I once trusted.

“I just feel like it should be special when it finally happens for me, you have expressed you don’t feel one way in particular about virginity.”

I didn’t get a choice, otherwise virginity would be way higher on my list. I don’t get to have the same experience you did. I’m glad and overwhelmingly happy you felt safe, I glad you weren’t gutted and robbed like I was.

When my partner and I met she had only the bullet points of what happened to me. She had an idea that the reason [redacted] and I stopped talking was because something happened.

[redacted] felt like everyone where we worked should know, even after I did my best to cover up what wasn’t even my fault in the first place. To this day I’ve never once tried to bring it up to other coworkers that [redacted] was lying about what really happened. I had to beg with my partner not to knock his teeth out.

She knew before we started dating that my outlook on sex was skewed.

“I think sex can be beautiful with the right person; but I don’t think I could personally see myself being sexually active.”

And she accepted that as my answer. Part of me feels bad, though. I feel like on some level that because of my (albeit valid) fear that I’m preventing some level of intimacy between us. Only time will tell if something ever happens in that regard.

Sometime I look at the photo drive of people I used to be friends with. Sometime I dig through my Polaroids to look at the frozen moments. I don’t have the heart to get rid of them. And I don’t know why.

I hope that one day I can untangle the mess in my mind, get rid of all the photos; and eventually be comfortable in my own skin as myself.

“You walk quietly,” she says, not looking up from her phone.

“I had never noticed it before. It’s just habit I guess.” I shrug, not expecting her observation.

“It’s not a bad thing, I just noticed you don’t make a lot of noise when you walk. I didn’t hear you coming from the kitchen.” She takes a handful of pretzels from the bowl in my hands.

I knew I walked quietly, I just hadn’t ever noticed myself doing it without thinking before. I learned very quickly very young how to go unnoticed. Some of it was because I was up to general mischief as a little kid; some of it was because I remember how angry my parents would be if I got up in the middle of the night for a sip of water and I creaked the wrong floorboard. Now that I’m older and don’t really worry about either of those things. I don’t think about them often.

I learned which types of flooring made the loudest noises, where the creaks in the floorboards were, where the tiles echoed the loudest in the house. I learned to walk on my toes with my heels off the ground, like I was wearing invisible high-heels. I learned when exactly my dad stopped playing video games at night and when my mother would leave the living room for the night. I learned to be a silent walker not because I wanted to, but because I felt like my only option was to stay under my parent’s radar at all times.

I still was silently, without noticing it.

“It’s not my fault you sleep all fucking day, I didn’t know you were asleep. A text would have been nice, you know. You slept for 12 hours straight. In what world do you need that much sleep?”

You’re right, let me just [sleep texts you I won’t be awake until 3 pm]

I sleep because if I’m not awake I’m dreaming of a kinder place without having to hurt anyone.

DJ: [wiping things down and throws a towel at me] “oh shit-”

Me: “this is my revenge for the pocket ketchup,” [winds up towel and flicks him with it]

Partner, trying to take an order without losing it: [intense staring while getting progressively more red trying not to laugh] “please don’t kill DJ we need him for close”

Me: [walks out of the bathroom, noting a void of smoke]

> smells it like a goddamn idiot

> "who's vape cloud? It’s so thick-"

> realizes it's not a regular vape

"that's not a vape it's WEED"

CPII, during a sleep deprived game of scrabble: “I hope you choke on [partner’s] uvula”

Me, loopy af at 5am, thinking about it: “how the FUCK do I do that?”

CPII: “You THOUGHT ABOUT IT?”

CPII: [singing Nasty Girl in Hagrid’s voice]

Me, begging: “MAKE IT STOP”

Friend: “he who controls the coffee control the Everen”

Me, sipping my coffee: [peaceful silence]

Partner: “Darling i probably smell like sweat and grease, you don’t have to hug me”

Me, squeezing her tighter and kissing her forehead: “🥺 but I didn’t get to see you hardly at all today, I missed you”

Everytime I think about you the only sounds I can make are the same I made when I knew nothing; guttural and raw and without articulation

The same sounds I once used as an infant to tell people what was going on in my little head

And that I think it’s kinda poetic, a feeling so strong that the only thing I can think to justify it is a sound rather than a word

Hi 👋, My name is Mohammad, and I’m reaching out in a moment of desperate need. I’m a father of three young children living in Gaza, and we are caught in the midst of a catastrophic war. Our home is no longer a safe haven, and the future here seems increasingly uncertain. 💔

I’ve launched a fundraising campaign with the goal of raising $40,000 to relocate my family to a safer place where my children can grow up in peace and have a chance at a brighter future. 🕊️🇵🇸

Unfortunately, my previous fundraising efforts were abruptly halted when my account was terminated without explanation. However, I remain determined to keep fighting for my family’s safety and well-being. 🫶

If you could take a moment to read our story, consider donating, or simply share our campaign with others, it would make an incredible difference. Every act of kindness, no matter how small, brings us one step closer to safety and a new beginning. 🙏

Thank you for your time, compassion, and support. ❤

https://gofund.me/fd1faea2 🔗

Just got this so I’m gonna post/share it

Me: “but the T I D D I E S”

Pip-Pip: “I know you like boobs Ehvee, but it’s weird, cus your gay”

Me: “[partner] why are ALL of the trays in the lobby?”

Partner: “don’t look at me look at Nate!”

Me, turning to Nate with a stack load of trays: “well, NATE?”

Nate: “in my defense [partner] was the one working the front counter—“

Partner: “darling you haven’t even clocked in yet…”

J’s mom: “Martial arguments off the clock lovebirds”

Me, looking at my partner: “she call us LoooOooOve birds :} ”

Partner: “Darling don’t ever draw out the word lovebirds like that again 🫥”

Me, under my breathe: “I’m gonna kiss you”

Partner: “what was that?”

Me: “nothing :)” [skipping away to go clock in]

CPII: “. . .liquid cum”

Me: “as opposed to fucking powdered???? Gel??? WHATS THE CONTEXT??”

Me: “I can’t scroll to the beginning fast enough!!”

Ghostie, looking away: “beginning of your smut?”

Me: “no, text messages from when [partner] and I met”

Ghostie: “same thing-“

Me: “Contrary to popular belief I don’t sext, Ghostie.”

VENT

I’ll edit later bc I know it’s written all wacky and the tenses make no sense. I’m tired and I need to go to bed, it’s already light out 😭😭😭

I love my partner; there’s literally nothing she could do that I wouldn’t crumble into a pile of adoration over.

Her stepdad is a different story…I’ve met the guy twice in our relationship so far. The second time was after a night out with my partner and Ghostie. We went to a popular urban legend spot and ran out like little bitches after hearing a LOUD shriek which at 4 in the morning really fucks with you (lol). We went there to drop my partner back at her place. Our interaction consisted of a simple “goodnight be safe yada yada, nice to meet you by the way, I’m dating your kid”

The FIRST time I met her stepdad was at work. I was working fast food at that point in time. I had NO CLUE who he was. He came up to the front counter and said (word for word)

“hi, can i get a medium fry to go? Who’s your T doctor?”

My guy W H A T ? You meet your kid’s partner and the first thing you do is ask about my medicals? What happened to “hi nice to meet you?” And either way, I was on the clock, at work; doing work things. At the time I didn’t even know who the hell he was either. There was zero introduction. For all I knew he was a complete stranger.

While it was an incredibly invasive question I answered honestly, explaining that at that point due to the law change I stopped taking T until after my birthday (which was a month before this interaction) he kinda “hmm”’d at me and said something about his T shots and it hit me; bro is also trans. I wouldn’t have ever guessed that. I thought that was super neat cause now I knew I already had something in common with him.

A few days ago my partner told me that because I don’t bind or go out of my way to present one way or another that her stepdad was making comments that I’m “not really trans” because I don’t bind at work.

First off, not that it’s her stepdads business, but binding in a hot and greasy workplace while being a smoker and on top that being off of T which means my estrogen levels rocketed and thus made my boobas painful didn’t seem like a great idea. I choose breathing over chest pain :)

Second, I was stealthing at work aside from like 2 other coworkers who I know outside of work.

Third, I don’t owe anyone any type of masculinity or femininity. I dress comfortably and while I do present masculine outside of work sometimes I’m just lazy or not feeling like putting a lot of effort into the way I look.

Fourth- blud has been on T much longer than I have at that point, so no. Im not gonna look like a cis dude. And I don’t really give a shit 🤷

Why in the world was someone who has years of being trans on me try to beef with me and “out trans” me??? I’d met him twice at this point and both times I had been as respectful as possible to him.

The part that really got under my skin though, was that her stepdad has been raving about how I seem delicate and stupid, I’m going to be hate crimed, I needed protection from my partner, etc.

Delicate? Sure, I have vulnerable moments, but for the most part I’m delicate like a landmine and if you step on the pressure plate too hard yeah, I’m gonna explode.

Stupid? Yes. But just because I do stupid things and make some stupid choices doesn’t make me a stupid person. I’m competent and capable. I wasn’t climbing the work ladder with my stupidity that’s for damn sure.

Hate crimed? Unfortunately yes, but I do my best to not instigate and try my damndest not to put myself in situations like that.

Need protection? Nah, I’m good. Daddy raised a cryer with good aim, not a bitch :)

The “delicate” comment came from right after my parents nearly got divorced twice in one month and I lost the only grandparent on my dad’s side of the family that I had left. The women who raised me and the other woman I liked calling “mom”. Why can’t I be vulnerable in that moment and let myself feel upset over something devastating like that???

I’m not gonna go create beef with her stepdad or anything; but it’s really fucking frustrating that I feel like I suddenly have something to prove :(

Dysphoria is usually like a 3/10 like I can handle it and all, but now it’s like a 6/10 and it hurts a little more :/ and I was really hoping I might be able to get tips or even bond over also being trans with him over time.

Me, watching a cutscene of ichiban getting out of jail: “where’s the scruff?”

CPII: “his scruff is gone”

Me, panicking for Ichiban: “HE’S SCRUFFLESS?!”

Reblogging so I don’t lose it and bc I think it’s a cool concept

When most people say their partner is their everything, they mean it metaphorically. You don’t. Your spouse is a near limitless shapeshifter who can turn into anything from household objects to immaterial concepts. You’ve had some pretty unique dates.

Something I’ll never forget is when my partner and I first started dating; Ghostie and I came by after her shift was over (she closes where we work) and while sitting in the backseat with her my tics begin to do their thing. One of my not so common tics is kind of like an arm flinging type thing. It’s not too violent of anything but you deff don’t wanna be next to me when it happens. She had known I had tics before we started dating, but wasn’t all too well versed about it.

She holds my hand and goes “you can control it I believe in you” in the most encouraging voice ever. Before I I can respond my arm responds for me and flings out to my side. Ghostie and I are laughing because my partner was trying (and failing) to hold my hand before realizing “oh, never mind” 🤣🤣🤣

Dad, high while sitting in his chair: “…yeah not a fan of saliva-“

Me: [licks finger to poke him with]

Dad: “Everen I will kick you in the dick you wish you had,”

[Playing Pictionary]

Me: “How come you get to draw penises and I can’t-“

CPII: “That’s a safety pin,”

We were playing on an app called playto! My friend code is cglxy_45

(While CPII was playing Yakuza 4 and discovered a dead body)

Ghostie: “Do you know what the Yakuza do?!”

Me: “Do not engage the autistic man in his gay-ass hyperfixiation, you will not win that fight”

CPII: *Obscure giggling*