Choked

Choked

It occurred to me recently that if I was still with him I would never have been able to take this job. 

I work weekends and incredibly long hours some days. It's not a dream job or the end game, but it is definitely a very useful stepping stone.

He would not have cared about that. He would have looked at the hours and told me I couldn't take it.  Then he would have scolded me for not progressing. 

He wanted the tree to blossom but kept poisoning the roots.

Bad days.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

I was helping my mother put up a picture not long ago. I was holding it against the wall while she made sure it was level when I lost my balance a little.

The frame scraped against the wall and took off a little bit of the paint.

Dread instantly surged. I began the instachorus of "Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm such a fool, I'm so bad at things, I'm so sorry, you just painted that , I feel so bad, I'm sorry."

My mother gave me a 'calm the eff down' look and said " don't worry about it, these things happen. We can fix it in a minute." Sure enough, after the picture was hung, she sanded lightly, got the remaining paint, handed me a little brush and we covered up the blemish. The whole process took about five minutes.

Oh, yeah. I forgot. Most people don't hit you for these kinds of things.

I just want to know what it's like to be happy again. Because I have been down so long my ribs have been sewn shut and I just don't remember what a happy day feels like anymore.

I'm devolving. Again.

About 15 minutes ago i was alone and crying in a bar. I think I'm going to do all of us a favour and take this sack of wacko home.