Choked

Choked

It occurred to me recently that if I was still with him I would never have been able to take this job. 

I work weekends and incredibly long hours some days. It's not a dream job or the end game, but it is definitely a very useful stepping stone.

He would not have cared about that. He would have looked at the hours and told me I couldn't take it.  Then he would have scolded me for not progressing. 

He wanted the tree to blossom but kept poisoning the roots.

When I met him, he lived with his folks in one of the small towns just outside of the city in which I live. It's a pretty cute town, but as you can imagine, I have some complicated feelings toward it.

Yesterday I spent some time there reading by the water. I've decided I will make peace with it. I will also spend time there, if I please, and not cower away from the prospect of running in to his parents or his sisters.

I am not ashamed, and I will not hide.

Today in Review

Me: I have a lot of work to get done today, and people are depending on me. Oh shoot, I have two appointments that will interrupt my day too. I should probably get started.

Brain: Maybe you should panic and do nothing for four hours instead.

Me: ... well, no, if I plan and start n....

Brain: PANIC AND DO NOTHING FOR FOUR HOURS!!!

Catch 22

"You can't find a decent paying job with your degree? I fucking told you not to go to university."

"You don't actually look though, you just pretend. You think Im stupid and will fall for your bullshit."

"I'm not like your parents and everyone else that fall for your sob stories. You're just fucking lazy."

"I told you to go into nursing. Why don't you ever fucking listen?!"

"Your degree is a joke. You told me when we met you wanted to go to law school. You mislead me."

"No you can't go back to school. You wasted enough of my fucking time."

“FIND A DECENT FUCKING JOB YOU USELESS CUNT!!!”

Fucking here we go again.

I nearly did.

On Wednesday I had a flashback as I was walking into therapy.

It was the first few days of January in 2016 and he was confronting me about my transgressions. He had found a letter I had written to Rapist. I think I've told this story before, but reliving it this time made me drop like a tonne of bricks.

He asked what the deal was with Rapist and what he did to make me hate him so much.

I was cornered, so I told him. Telling anyone is hard, but telling someone who is unreservedly hostile and violent? He had just closed a door on my arm and kept pushing on it. It bruised purple immediately.

This was one of the hardest moments of my life ever.

After telling him I collapsed ( literally) into tears. He came over to me real gentle like as though he was going to comfort me. He whispered real softly and real close to my ear "you know, it would really make it better if you just killed yourself."

I felt his hot breathe on my ear on Wednesday.