No Winning - Tumblr Posts
Catch 22
"You can't find a decent paying job with your degree? I fucking told you not to go to university."
"You don't actually look though, you just pretend. You think Im stupid and will fall for your bullshit."
"I'm not like your parents and everyone else that fall for your sob stories. You're just fucking lazy."
"I told you to go into nursing. Why don't you ever fucking listen?!"
"Your degree is a joke. You told me when we met you wanted to go to law school. You mislead me."
"No you can't go back to school. You wasted enough of my fucking time."
“FIND A DECENT FUCKING JOB YOU USELESS CUNT!!!”
Choked
It occurred to me recently that if I was still with him I would never have been able to take this job.
I work weekends and incredibly long hours some days. It's not a dream job or the end game, but it is definitely a very useful stepping stone.
He would not have cared about that. He would have looked at the hours and told me I couldn't take it. Then he would have scolded me for not progressing.
He wanted the tree to blossom but kept poisoning the roots.
I am embarrassed to admit that I let him put one of those parental control apps on my last phone. It was after it all came out, and I did it as a sign of good faith. I had changed. I wasn't a cheater. I was actively building him up and saying good things about him.
He saw every text and every email. He knew exactly where I was at all times. I found some ways around it - he couldn't see whatsapp for example - but would see my useage of that app and then read all of my messages the next time we were together.
I had to navigate conversations with friends and my parents very carefully during that time. if he saw something that even remotely resembled a negative word or feeling about him from someone I was in for it.
I was constantly analysing all of my conversations, anticipating any possible interpretation. I would stategically delete parts of whatsapp convos with friends I didn't want him to see, and then agonize if the parts I had left made sense as part of a conversation.
He flipped shit a handful of times over spam I received despite that it clearly came from a shady source (sjxudnssjxu@fkzkakdn.bn.sk.ho.... Looks legit...)
When I got the phone I currently have in January of 2017 he told me he didn't want the app anymore. I took it as a sign that he was giving up on me and was devastated. But I always had the suspicion that he added it on somehow without me knowing it. At the time, I found that satisfying.
After waking up that fear terrorized me. He's calmed down trying to get ahold of me, so I have relaxed some in my paranoia. But occasionally i still rethink my word choice just in case *someone* is reading.