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Sexual Abuse - tw for sexual assault
I have survived a series of predatory sexual experiences. Examples relevant to this post:
1. In highschool a boy asked if he could fist me. I said no, but he tried anyway. It hurt quite a bit and he did not succeed. I squirmed away.
2. While on vacation in Brazil, my friend's roommate got me ridiculously drunk on tequila (4 or 5 double shots) then proceeded to perform oral sex on me. I vaguely recall this occurring, but i distinctly remember him putting his dick in my mouth and forcing it down my throat. I proceeding to puke all over him, the couch we were on , the floor, the rug and myself.
It was a really difficult thing for me to get over. I have since called it sexual assault. He - my ex- called this my "Rough Deepthroat."
Sometime after he found out that I had been unfaithful, he demanded to have "all of me" - to perform all of the sexual acts that i had done with other people with him. Confusion ensued; I had explored with him well beyond what I had done with anyone else.
Funny thing was he wasn't just referring to consensual sex acts I had been a part of, he meant, among other things, the two above. I rationalized that this was the kind of punishment I deserved for the crimes I had committed, and reliving these experiences couldn't be so bad because I knew he loved me.
I agreed to the "Rough deep throat" first. He sent me home twice that night. Once I was dressed too "plain" and the second I was dressed too "slutty". I am ashamed that I begged to come back the second time.
Can you call it sexual assault after you've begged for it? He skull fucked me with no mercy. He said he wanted to have me like I meant nothing "just like they did". I vomited into a garbage can we had handy for the occasion. He told me he couldn't " be like them" anymore and I didn't have to finish him off like that. He felt too bad. Plus he was annoyed that I wasn't tilting my head back like he was asking.
So he rolled me over and fucked me till he came. Then asked me to leave. We'd save the fisting for another time.
My mind has done a superb job of fuzzing up some of my most horrible memories, but the emotions I felt this night are still vivid. I remember telling myself to smile and look pleased the whole night while the pain and panic and misery built up in me with steady pressure. I was so proud of myself that I kept it all bottled until he couldn't see me anymore. When it broke though, it came with the force of a broken dam.
I sobbed hard on my way back to my car. Ashamed I had let him do that do me. That i had asked for it. That i had begged for it knowing it was bad for me. But he had my best interests at heart; he was doing this all so we could be together again. So why and how could this be hurting so bad?
This was a terrible one for me to share. I have avoided the term for a long time. I have said he was physically abusive and certainly emotionally abusive. But his use of shame and past trauma mixed with sexual acts that any reasonable human being would know I would not want to do leads me to only one conclusion.
The second step back was what happened one week later. During the entire time I was pregnant and some time prior he briefly “befriended” a woman considerably younger than him. One night she was over they played video games for hours and she started to feel motion sick.
He let her sleep in his our bed. I spent a night of torture suffering and struggling on my own in a basement. Aborting his child after he impregnated me.
She got a bit dizzy and he had her sleep in my spot. Oh, and he told me he rubbed her back as she fell asleep.
#1 on the list
At this very moment one year ago, I was in labour.
On the evening of November 8 -9, 2016 he came in me without my permission. In his defense I believe it was an accident. I had, at that time, miscalculated my cycle, and thought I was not in a red zone. I was incorrect. Weeks later I felt a flutter, did the usual stuff to confirm, and found out for sure. Pregnant.
I already had the appointment booked when I told him; most of me knew this was the right decision, but a little part of me hoped he’d try to talk me out of it. In retrospect it was absolutely the right decision for several reasons and if I hadn’t had that appointment booked when I told him, I’m confident he would have punched me in the stomach.
He didn’t talk me out of it, and it was made clear to me that this was something I had to handle alone. He came to the hospital with me for the preliminary appointment and thought he had done me a great service. He advised that I was not welcome at his (once our) home despite the fact that he had put me in the predicament. If I wanted him to join me, I would have to pay for a hotel. As I was spending every dime I had at the time on him - feeding him, clothing him, entertaining him, I had my cards maxed and couldn’t afford it. He was very charitable with his next option - he’d go to sleep, but he’d unblock me so I could call him and keep his phone on.
So I did it alone.
What I endured was a trauma I may never get over. Some women have unpleasant period sensations. I went through 16 hours of labour mixed with a bad reaction to the medication. Vomit, diarrhea, sweating, chills, shakes and delirium, all alone in my parents basement, trying to be quiet to not wake them in the very early morning of Christmas Eve.
I have plenty of terrible options to choose from, but this was hands down, the absolute worst, horrible thing that has ever happened to me.
And he made me do it alone. What kind of man would abandon a woman like that?
This was the first time the veil got pulled back for me and I saw a glimpse of clarity through the fog. This was the first time I thought about my life critically in years. I thought about what I wanted in life and what I needed to get there. I felt strong - such an unusual feeling - like I could endure anything.
And then I thought about what I didn’t want to endure anymore, and what I no longer needed in my life. A whole bunch of uncomfortable questions emerged.
This was the first step back.
Two calls from him today.
Didn’t answer.
Choked
It occurred to me recently that if I was still with him I would never have been able to take this job.
I work weekends and incredibly long hours some days. It's not a dream job or the end game, but it is definitely a very useful stepping stone.
He would not have cared about that. He would have looked at the hours and told me I couldn't take it. Then he would have scolded me for not progressing.
He wanted the tree to blossom but kept poisoning the roots.
Someone call River Laurent. Tell them that 1995 called and they want their horrible trope back.
@staff do you not have a toothpaste ad or something? Why do you keep showing me this horrible shit?
*Gives some migraine medication*
The worst headache of my entire life
Of all ghosts the ghosts of our old loves are the worst.
Arthur Conan Doyle, The Memories Of Sherlock Holmes
Starting a collection of the world’s worst land acknowledgments
Please do not ignore our suffering and leave us alone My name is Salman Helles, from the stricken Gaza Strip. We were displaced from the north of the Gaza Strip to the south of the Strip, and the family was dispersed in tents and displacement shelters. Our situation is very miserable. We do not have any of the necessities of life. We would not have asked for support and donations except because of our dire circumstances. Please donate to me as much as you can and make sure that your donation, no matter how small, contributes to saving us. If you cannot donate, share my campaign on your blog
My campaign has already been verified by 90-ghost
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Kiff in Pikwik Pack Comic Studio
