Hats

Hats

Throughout the healing process it hasn’t been the assaults, sexual coercion, and the emotional torture that has been difficult to understand. 

No, no.  It’s been resolving that reality to the person who was, on rare occasions, undeniably kind to me and charming to others.  The one who was loved by the family dog.  The one who helped out his grandma and had a really sweet relationship with her. 

It’s so much easier to think of them as monsters, and I’d argue that it is probably a necessity in the early stages of the recovery process.

But they're human.  And somehow that’s a difficult pill to swallow.

Hush.

I can't stand listening to people try to have dialogue about abusive relationships and why people stay.

The pseudo psychological jargon and the fake-sympathy-but-actually-condesending-as-fuck-tone they use is maddening.

Real growth is apologizing and making amends on their terms if and when they offer you that opportunity. It's also respecting their decision to not offer that opportunity at all.

The people you wrong don't owe you anything. If you think that they owe you the chance to apologize, you should take a hard look at the 'growth' you think you've made.

I have the luxury of having a bit of massage coverage through work.  I take advantage of it as my body is not what it used to be after the years of abuse (ie, ballet, running, neglect and self hatred) I’ve put it through.

I did not expect to have a sensory flashback from my RMT working on my rotator cuffs. She said emotions can be stored in our muscles and tissues and that having them treated can cause those emotions to be release.

I was glad she gave me this out.  Because I wasn’t too interested in telling her the actual reason I was bawling.

I can’t sleep tonight

Having no other adult experience with an actual relationship outside of him, I have fears.

I feel like I’m allowed to be human with her.  I’m comfortable blowing my nose and flossing in her presence.  That doesn’t sound like much, but it’s progress.

More than anything I feel animated, like, alive.  I can laugh loud and silly, and be excited about trivial things; I can take long, windy routes to tell stories, and forget what I was saying mid sentence.  None of this phases her.  I’m not an annoyance.  I’m not wasting her time.

Did I ever feel this way with him?  I must have.  I remember being willing to take a bullet for him.  Does that mean this is all going to fade too? 

I worry I’m going to turn into that hallow, emotionless shell again.  And that it had nothing to do with him always cutting me down, and everything to do with me just being soulless and horrible.

Maybe all this love stuff is short lived and fleeting for me, and my rotten insides will cause me to hurt her as well.