Enoughdonegone - It's Not Fine.

About a year ago he stopped texting me, after months of one-sided harassment.

Today I am all fucked up about it.    Today I am stressed and restless and hurt and angry and sad and mourning my past and what I thought I had.

And I don’t know how to explain any of it.  

Bewilderment

I saw a musical recently; a tongue in cheek comedy based on a cult classic.

One of the characters was a real unsavory person - a liar, a pusher, a rapist and abuser. At the same time, he also facilitates some of the comedy, so it was not uncommon to laugh at one of his lines. One, however, really threw me off.

“I could kill you, you know!” he says to his lady companion who was pushing his buttons.

The audience laughed. I held my breath.

It's a little embarrassing. For a long time I thought I'd be touch repulsed forever. I thought i didn't like or deserve hugs and people touching me felt like a threat. Like a bomb would go off if there was contact for too long. Like my skin was burning.

Turns out that I love to be touched and hugged by the right person and I am so severely affection starved that I find it difficult to sit near her without being in contact somehow.

My only saving grace is that she is a very affectionate person by nature. Otherwise I'm sure she'd find me clingy.

I have prided myself on my independence these past few years. Relished in my solitude.

It is a scary thing to feel as though you might need someone again.

Saw him tonight. On his new motorcycle.

We were in her car and the windows are very tinted. There's no way he could have seen me. But it still felt like he looked me right in the eyes.

Fuck.

Im so tired. This life has made me just so damn tired.