About A Year Ago He Stopped Texting Me, After Months Of One-sided Harassment.

About a year ago he stopped texting me, after months of one-sided harassment.

Today I am all fucked up about it.    Today I am stressed and restless and hurt and angry and sad and mourning my past and what I thought I had.

And I don’t know how to explain any of it.  

Saw him tonight. On his new motorcycle.

We were in her car and the windows are very tinted. There's no way he could have seen me. But it still felt like he looked me right in the eyes.

Fuck.

Hush.

I can't stand listening to people try to have dialogue about abusive relationships and why people stay.

The pseudo psychological jargon and the fake-sympathy-but-actually-condesending-as-fuck-tone they use is maddening.

Borrowed Time

"I’m going to leave you at some point.”

He left it open ended so he could use me, keep me anxious, and hating myself all at the same time.

I wish he’d just done it. Maybe I would have fewer nightmares by now.

I can’t sleep tonight

Having no other adult experience with an actual relationship outside of him, I have fears.

I feel like I’m allowed to be human with her.  I’m comfortable blowing my nose and flossing in her presence.  That doesn’t sound like much, but it’s progress.

More than anything I feel animated, like, alive.  I can laugh loud and silly, and be excited about trivial things; I can take long, windy routes to tell stories, and forget what I was saying mid sentence.  None of this phases her.  I’m not an annoyance.  I’m not wasting her time.

Did I ever feel this way with him?  I must have.  I remember being willing to take a bullet for him.  Does that mean this is all going to fade too? 

I worry I’m going to turn into that hallow, emotionless shell again.  And that it had nothing to do with him always cutting me down, and everything to do with me just being soulless and horrible.

Maybe all this love stuff is short lived and fleeting for me, and my rotten insides will cause me to hurt her as well.

What is this all about?

I don't know what has come over me but I'm feeling compelled to unblock him from Facebook. I don't want to talk, but I just want to snoop.

Nothing good will come of this. So I won't. But this compulsion hasn't hit me in almost a year. Why now?