It's A Little Embarrassing. For A Long Time I Thought I'd Be Touch Repulsed Forever. I Thought I Didn't

It's a little embarrassing. For a long time I thought I'd be touch repulsed forever. I thought i didn't like or deserve hugs and people touching me felt like a threat. Like a bomb would go off if there was contact for too long. Like my skin was burning.

Turns out that I love to be touched and hugged by the right person and I am so severely affection starved that I find it difficult to sit near her without being in contact somehow.

My only saving grace is that she is a very affectionate person by nature. Otherwise I'm sure she'd find me clingy.

I have prided myself on my independence these past few years. Relished in my solitude.

It is a scary thing to feel as though you might need someone again.

Wrong

I thought that being with someone else would help me think of him less.

It hasn't really.

Despite understanding theoretically that 13 years of deep rooted programming doesn't just rectify itself in a few short months, in actuality it's... a little upsetting.

another

He told me people like me shouldn't travel. Trash isn't entitled to luxuries.

I'm leaving tomorrow for an adventure with my love. I feel anxiety, but no guilt.

Some if it you never get back, either.

I think all of us who went thru long term abuse we were unable to escape from had to tear out pieces of ourselves, of our mental health, physical health, emotional health, our integrity, our personality, our life, just to stay alive, we had to trade parts of ourselves for our life and that is not something you ever forget or recover from.

Reminder:  It’s been 74 weeks of no contact.  

I am still here carving out a future of my own.

And I can breathe freely now.

Every day I remind myself that I should mourn for the past I lost to him and not the future I think I’ve lost without him.  

Im so tired. This life has made me just so damn tired.