Sufficient Time Has Passed And I Feel Calm Enough To Write About My Last Days On My Job.

Sufficient time has passed and I feel calm enough to write about my last days on my job. 

My resignation letter detailed my last shift as October 22, as well as days I would be taking for my liues.  I also gave him a schedule for my last 4 weeks.  He came up to me on the Thursday (21) and said “You’re done on the 7th, right?”  To which I replied that no, Friday was to be my last day.

He proceeded to tell me that the lieu days would not be paid out, that he needed two more days from me - one the one week, and one the following.  That I had no choice.  He was frantic - clearly he needed to get things from me and was too foolish to set aside time for it. Taken aback, I said I would look into it.

The following day he sends me an email where he wrote ON MY RESIGNATION LETTER that I had agreed to stay longer.  This was the last straw. No.  So I sent a response to him and his boss, stating that I had not agreed to stay and that I was to be paid out as I had requested.

He flies up to my office 15 minutes later stating I had it wrong and he was offering me those two days as an option. So I could be paid out for a full two weeks.  It was for my benefit that he so graciously offered me that option.  He then told me that he  “didn’t know what goes through [my] head sometimes” and then walked out of my office.

I remember what gaslighting feels like.  If there was any doubt in my decision prior to this, it was gone completely from that moment on.

Self doubt, my old friend.

victims of abuse be like, this person has now made me cry myself to sleep about 30 times, i have flashbacks of things they’ve done and said to me, they know how to hit me right in my worst insecurity and guilt so i feel horrible for days and months, their comments make me feel worthless and like i shouldn’t even be alive, and being around them makes me feel small and meaningless and sometimes suicidal but maybe that’s just me, maybe they’re not abusive? i have to give them benefit of the doubt, what if i’m not justified to kick them out of my life?

I am going through some of my old emails. I think I've started to hate him. Seeing even bits of these messages fills me with shame, which in turn causes anger.

How dare he make me feel that shitty about myself?!

For any of us thinking we need to try to do this all by ourselves.

Still

Fifteen years later.  I don’t really remember who I was before I met him.  

Survival.

when lizzo said “self love is survival” and when hannah gadsby said “do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? it’s not humility. it’s humiliation” and when mitski said “i used to rebel by destroying myself, but realized that’s awfully convenient to the world. for some of us our best revolt is self preservation”