Sufficient Time Has Passed And I Feel Calm Enough To Write About My Last Days On My Job.

Sufficient time has passed and I feel calm enough to write about my last days on my job. 

My resignation letter detailed my last shift as October 22, as well as days I would be taking for my liues.  I also gave him a schedule for my last 4 weeks.  He came up to me on the Thursday (21) and said “You’re done on the 7th, right?”  To which I replied that no, Friday was to be my last day.

He proceeded to tell me that the lieu days would not be paid out, that he needed two more days from me - one the one week, and one the following.  That I had no choice.  He was frantic - clearly he needed to get things from me and was too foolish to set aside time for it. Taken aback, I said I would look into it.

The following day he sends me an email where he wrote ON MY RESIGNATION LETTER that I had agreed to stay longer.  This was the last straw. No.  So I sent a response to him and his boss, stating that I had not agreed to stay and that I was to be paid out as I had requested.

He flies up to my office 15 minutes later stating I had it wrong and he was offering me those two days as an option. So I could be paid out for a full two weeks.  It was for my benefit that he so graciously offered me that option.  He then told me that he  “didn’t know what goes through [my] head sometimes” and then walked out of my office.

I remember what gaslighting feels like.  If there was any doubt in my decision prior to this, it was gone completely from that moment on.

Still

Fifteen years later.  I don’t really remember who I was before I met him.  

Green eyes?

A friend of mine has a baby. And i really want to feel connected to him.

But I don't.

It could be distance; they live halfway across the country and I know him primarily through pictures. He and I have met, and he is very cute and funny.

But I'm a little worried that I've put up an invisible wall that will prevent me from having a meaningful relationship.

I was the first of my close friends to get pregnant. They all had their children. I didn't have mine, and I worried that I'm jealous.

There is no regret in my decision; it was undoubtedly the right one. But many times I wish things had been different.

It could also just be a trauma response, and that would be completely reasonable.

But I can't help feeling guilty when my other friends gush over pictures and videos of him and I've already lost interest.

I feel like a monster.

I paid off the remainder of my debt with my savings today.

My original plan was to be debt free entering 2019. That didn't work out and I've been treading water until now.

I feel bad that I haven't stayed on track. I'm also sad that it's like everything I've been working for for years is up in smoke. I guess it isn't really, but it's definitely a set back.

I'm making sure I'm not a burden when i leave my job. And I remind myself when I'm getting really self loathy about it that he dug this hole this deep to make it difficult for me to pull myself out of. At best he did so negligently, at worst he did so knowingly and purposefully.

But the ugliness he created is gone now. My hard work did pull me out, albeit not the most graceful and ideal ways.

Now it's just a manageable bit off the credit card and I'll be officially debt free.

Him: YOU ARE SUCH A STUPID LAZY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I LET YOU BE HERE? I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES. THIS PLACE IS SO FUCKING FILTHY. I CAN'T EVEN INVITE SOMEONE OVER. IT'S EMBARRASSING. JUST BECAUSE YOU GREW UP IN FILTH WITH YOUR FUCKING PARENTS DOESN'T MEAN YOU STAY THAT WAY. I KEEP FUCKING TRYING TO FIX YOU BUT YOU'RE SO FUCKING USELESS AND HOPELESS.

Me: *quietly tends to the plate and glass in the sink that spawned this outburst*

Him: *glaring at me*

Me: *makes eye contact quickly to reassure him that I am not ignoring him (because he really REALLY doesn't like that) but not long enough to encourage a smack to the face or more yelling*

Him: what?

Me: *smiles and shakes head*

Him: What? You don't want to talk to me? Fine. Fuck this. *Goes to the basement to play games for 6 hours*

Me: *exhales silently*

I never thought I'd have to write a post like this, but here we are.

If your "feminism" excludes anyone or your definition of woman is reduced to a series of dna check marks, we're not like-minded.

I'm not interested in discourse and I will shut that down if it begins. So y'all can keep it to yourself.

But if you're using any of my posts to make a point even in that ball park, you're barking up the wrong tree. And i will tell you so - the politeness of which will vary depending on the kind of day I'm having and the severity of your infraction.

Just something to think about before you hit reblog.