I See A Lot Of Posts That Say Something Like "It Wasn't Wasted Time If You Were Enjoying Yourself."

I see a lot of posts that say something like "It wasn't wasted time if you were enjoying yourself."

What if time passes and I don't know if I was enjoying myself? What did I just do for the last 90 minutes?

I'd imagine he would deny doing anything to me at all.

YOU don’t have to be perfect to be loved. but I do

Approximately 24 hours out from discovery and I can talk about it a little. There were two things I felt in particular that I was ashamed of:

Jealousy - this lasted for no more than 5 seconds, but it was still the first one I felt. Can you really hate someone if you're jealous of the person they're with, however fleeting that emotion is?

Doubt in my own experience - it hits so subtly, but like a freight train at the same time. If she likes him and wants to marry him, he can't be that bad, right? Was everything I felt and experienced real? Or was it al in my head? Did I invent it all to justify being a bad person?

It's been seven years, and I still don't trust my own brain.

He's getting married to someone I am about 3 or 4 degrees of separation from (depending on your definition).

It's not a full spiral, but there's definitely some things I need to talk to my therapist about. Some emotions that ranged from mild and controlled to shameful.

But generally, I think I'm doing ok. I'm currently eating my feelings at nearly 3am, but I've had worse nights.

Pick Me Up Idea

Disclaimer: This only works if you're of a certain age.

Go into that old folder that has all of the music you downloaded. You know, the one you haven't looked at in at least 10 years.

Peruse. Listen to some select pieces. Remind yourself that you had good taste. Or something close.

Remind yourself of those days you used to dance around like a fool. Before they crushed the passion out of you. Before your interests turned to haze.

Be prepared for the memories; some good, some miserable, some a mix.

Also, be prepared to dance around like a fool again.