Blamed For My Bruises

Blamed for my bruises

Every time he left a mark he became distraught. I would have to invest so much energy into consoling him - telling him it would be alright, I'd wear a turtleneck. No one would know.

He told me that he made calculated decisions about how hard to throw, squeeze, or hit and I was just too fragile.

Marks just showed up on my skin far too easy.

Self destruct x10

One of the requirements that had to be met before he could "forgive me" and we could get back together was he had to meet and surpass me in sexual partners.

I went through a period of hypersexuality in response to trauma during my youth and my number was higher than his.

He wanted me to find and offer up women ( including friends) for him to "have". Thankfully this never worked out, but he did fine on his own.

After every new woman he would have unprotected sex with me so that if he "got something" from them we would both have it.

That way he wouldn't have to suffer alone. After all, he was never the one who wanted this.

Intentionally set up for Failure

Once he made me pick up bread crumbs with a paper towel and blamed me for not buying him a vacuum cleaner.

He shoved me against the table a second time, the first shove being the cause of the crumbs on the floor.

I cannot help but feel I have betrayed feminism, and all the strong women in my life. A better woman would have left.  I am a disgrace.

I need a breather

I was composing a post regarding him sending me snippits of an article ( generous term, since I seem to recall it being a reddit gem) entitled ”How to Know You’re Dating a Slut.”  It’s as charming as it sounds from what I remember but details will have to wait for another post. 

You see, I made a horrible, horrible mistake: I tried to search for the article.  Like, by typing the title above into Google.  

You should try it.  Actually don’t; it’s horrible. The results you get are just.... ludicrous.  I’m barely keeping myself from drowning in my own guilt and self loathing, and it was too much.

So that project above is on indefinite hiatus.  The internet is an awful place.  Who knew.

f)

“You know I never wanted this”