Shame

Shame

I want to tell my mom that I'm so sorry for all this. I feel like she raised a better woman than how I've turned out.

Self destruct x10

One of the requirements that had to be met before he could "forgive me" and we could get back together was he had to meet and surpass me in sexual partners.

I went through a period of hypersexuality in response to trauma during my youth and my number was higher than his.

He wanted me to find and offer up women ( including friends) for him to "have". Thankfully this never worked out, but he did fine on his own.

After every new woman he would have unprotected sex with me so that if he "got something" from them we would both have it.

That way he wouldn't have to suffer alone. After all, he was never the one who wanted this.

He wanted me to brand his initials on my genitals. I would have probably done it 16 months ago.

i don't know you but i'm so sorry someone treated you like this. it's not your fault and you didn't deserve it.

It is very kind of you to reach out - I really really appreciate it. As much as this whole thing is for me to cope and process, it has been helpful (despite being horribly embarrassing) to let others see it. It makes it real in a way, and it anchors me on the side of healing.

Thank you for saying so. It calms my 'crazy' a bit to be validated. Rationally I know these things and generally I believe it. But there are times where my brain betrays me and goes rogue.

I hope that your day is going well. Thanks for the kindness.

Step 1 in Isolation

Never trust a man who pressures you to drop your hobbies.  While he should have been encouraging me to pursue my passions, he made it difficult to take part in anything that took me away from him and the duties he deemed mine.

g)

“You know I did the best that I could.  I just couldn’t take it anymore.”