He Told Me Write Out All The Things I Deserved To Reference Any Time I Deigned To Feel Good. I Kept It

He told me write out all the things I deserved to reference any time I deigned to feel good.  I kept it under my mouse pad at work up until yesterday when I brought it home.

I can’t date this specifically, but I’m thinking Fall 2016.  I remember writing it.

Excuse the handwriting.

Just had a flashback - I treated myself to a smoothie this afternoon.

Last summer he asked me to pick him up a smoothie before coming to his house. It was a regular request. I obliged and started to drive to his place.

He sent me a text; he needed 3 other things at 3 different stores. I agreed to get them. It took some time, and by the time i had gotten to his house the smoothie had melted a bit.

He lost it. He told me I ruined smoothies for him and threw it ( as in wound up like a pitcher) into the sink. It splattered everywhere.

I sobbed silently as I wiped it up.

One I’ll never get back.

He made me miss the wedding reception of one of my best friends.  He told me weddings were for hook ups, and I just wanted to go to get back to my “old ways.”

Here’s the real reason: He didn’t like that she, a white woman, married black man.  This aspect of him could be a whole series of posts on its own, but we’ll keep it simple for now.  

This is making me sick even to put into words.

My friend’s husband’s family is, of course, also black, and my ex was particularly intimidated at the prospect of me dressed up and looking pretty while in the presence of black men.

Because he thought once you go...   no, I’m not going to finish that sentence.  My brain can only handle so much stupid in one day.

Let's lighten the mood a bit.

I'm sorry for that last one. It's been in my mental queue for months and needed to come out. It also provides context for things I've written and will write. I'm sorry all the same. If I neglected to tag something please let me know.

I first received a note on that post this morning when i woke up. Someone liked it, to my surprise, and it wasn't a name I recognized. So I investigated and I've been laughing incredulously at what I've found all day:

The first time I saw him get violent it was over me.

He grabbed the guy by the nose ring and punched him in the head.

The poor bastard's crime? He tried to steal my drink.

I have been asked a few times by well meaning people if I'm dating. The answer is no.

Mostly, I need to piece myself back together. Heal so I can feel confident in my judgement and ability to guard my heart.

However, there is another consideration: when the time comes ( or if the time comes - just being realistic) I would like to be a good partner.

The last thing anyone would need would be for me to turn into a cornered, wounded animal over a minor argument.

I don't want to hurt anyone. Least of all in the ways that I have been hurt.