He Told Me Write Out All The Things I Deserved To Reference Any Time I Deigned To Feel Good. I Kept It

He told me write out all the things I deserved to reference any time I deigned to feel good.  I kept it under my mouse pad at work up until yesterday when I brought it home.

I can’t date this specifically, but I’m thinking Fall 2016.  I remember writing it.

Excuse the handwriting.

Intake appointment May 1st.  Good grief.

When you’re reaching out for help, a “ I’m sorry, the girl who leads that program isn’t here right now, can you call back tomorrow?” will set me back at least a week.

It may seem petulant, but when you get up the nerve, it may be fleeting, and you need someone to catch you. Right then.

I don’t think you’ll understand this if you’ve never been in crisis mode.

I realize that this could be textbook gaslighting, but he used to tell me that I was awful to him.  He told me I was neglectful and emotionally abusive. And when he first kicked me out he threatened me with a restraining order, a peace bond and legal action. 

I don’t remember doing anything sufficiently to warrant these allegations and threats. But maybe some of what he’s saying is true.  Maybe I’ve just  blocked it out or not recognized that my actions were abusive.

These are the things that keep me up at night and curled into a ball during the day.

I am not the lies my brain may tell me.

Taking time to affirm and appreciate yourself everyday is so important.

I have been asked a few times by well meaning people if I'm dating. The answer is no.

Mostly, I need to piece myself back together. Heal so I can feel confident in my judgement and ability to guard my heart.

However, there is another consideration: when the time comes ( or if the time comes - just being realistic) I would like to be a good partner.

The last thing anyone would need would be for me to turn into a cornered, wounded animal over a minor argument.

I don't want to hurt anyone. Least of all in the ways that I have been hurt.

When you're reaching out for help, a " I'm sorry, the girl who leads that program isn't here right now, can you call back tomorrow?" will set me back at least a week.

It may seem petulant, but when you get up the nerve, it may be fleeting, and you need someone to catch you. Right then.

I don't think you'll understand this if you've never been in crisis mode.