Every Day I Remind Myself That I Should Mourn For The Past I Lost To Him And Not The Future I Think Ive

Every day I remind myself that I should mourn for the past I lost to him and not the future I think I’ve lost without him.  

Never going there again.

It was bound to fucking happen living in the same neighbourhood.

Went out for dinner with my folks. He and i used to be regulars at this place. On the way out the owner, who knew us, asked me "Where's your other half?" Can't say I wasn't taken aback by the nerve of his question. As if it would be any of his fucking business.

"I don't have another half. It's just me."

"I know," he said, "because he just walked in here, took one look at you, said 'oh nevermind' and walked out."

I know he would have seen my parents' car walking in. I am suspicious it was no 'accident' and he just lost his nerve. I didn't see him but I still can't breathe.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

I try to pronounce words and names correctly.  Not in a pretentious “Oh, well actually, Gloria, the q is silent” type of way, but  a trying-to-be-respectful-and-not-a-shitty-white-person type of way.

He took a special interest in ridiculing me incessantly for this.  He made me feel like an idiot and insecure about every attempt I made. He loved it when I failed. I stopped trying when he was around.

Occasionally I have to make calls to clients at work.  I spend at least twice as much time practising their names under my breath as I do going over the details of their case. 

I still hear him laughing in my head.

Oh but, heads up, if you hug me for 3 seconds longer than I am comfortable, I may panic and bite you.

I am an adult, and, I’m sorry, I can’t help the fact that I just need a damn hug today.

Revelation

The idea that people would be friends with their siblings was mind boggling for a long time.

I have two brothers who are significantly older than me (6 and 10.5 years). The age gap is enough I suppose to explain our lack of closeness, but it's definitely more than that.

When I was young I was desperate for validation from them, particularly the one closest to me in age. He had a lot of resentment for me as he believed I was the favourite. He also is a certifiable genius and I think that just makes a person more susceptible to being, well, an asshole.

I'm sure I was annoying; my desire for his time and companionship likely manifested itself in "obnoxious brat" form. But he made it a point to make me feel stupid, insignificant and unwanted at every opportunity. When he was angry with me he would hit me, usually across the head. I don't remember it processing further than that with him, but I began to associate insults and physical abuse with ' family' and 'loved ones'.

My eldest brother, well, I have recently confessed to my parents that he actually terrorized me. His bedroom was in the basement, and when I'd hear him coming up the stairs I would dive under the dining room table on instinct. On more than one occasion he would use me as a toy to abuse. "Play" too rough and accuse me of being ungrateful when I begged or whined for him to stop, cheat at games and deny it, break my toys in front of my face if I was irritating him. I still remember my feelings of helplessness.

When I was 7 or 8 he grabbed me by the throat, lifted me off the ground and pinned me to the front door. I have no idea what he was thinking or what a little kid could have done that would have sparked that kind of anger.

From there on in i would lock myself in the bathroom of my brothers got angry with me.

I was learning the basics of how to survive in a home with a monster.