Rage

rage

Tried fitting into the world and I fell in Now I feel cheesy if I’m kind Don’t understand up or down when things hang from the floor If I’m myself will I be all alone? Does being myself mean by myself? I thought it was cool to love But I was the one that got picked on Now I pick scabs off those still on the outskirts I used to be the one bleeding Tried to fit in to the world and I fell in Oh how do I get out? How do I get myself back? The weirdo in the bathroom with a sandwich because I didn’t know how to be Tried fitting in and I fell in I fell in

I love you but all you know how to do is hurt me I can only love you from afar From the safety of my bed I can look at your picture Without you tangled up in my life I can love you With the peace of your absence I can love you I can feel your warmth when you are gone When you’re next to me all I feel are burns. When I am safe from you I can love you When you can’t spew your acid at me I can feel your soft edges And I can love you When I can’t feel you When I can’t know you When I can’t hear you When I can’t see you When you’re far enough away to wonder if you’re still real When I’m far enough out of reach that not even your thoughts can touch me When I can’t be your prey in any way When you can’t touch me I can love you

I might be sad forever  But I can find beauty here Why should I have to be happy to find beauty and love Maybe I can’t  I’m not going to wait around forever  Sadness can be beautiful Especially when you’re lying on soft grass  Under soft clouds pierced by stiff gristled trees Defiant of the gentle watercolor beauty  I’m going to decorate my sadness until it sparkles And maybe this glitter will gleam My glitter gleams because I kissed it I’m surrounded by this shimmering sea Floating along this river until it carries me away It will take me away

I want the dad back who picked me up from the school talent show and took me straight to Big Bear, pampering me with coloring books and hot baths.

Making me feel special inside, like I was in a different, more magical, sparkly world. Like everything was fun and tasted differently, because I was with him, and we were in the snow, in a little cabin.

Even just in his car on the way there I was the most special girl alive, the luckiest girl alive. He loved me. He liked me.

Enough to scoop me up and take me straight to fun.

Now my dad is dead, he’s full of gray, he’s never the same. He’s bitter where he used to be sweet. There’s dead ends where there used to be endless paths, escapades.

I don’t know if it’s my fault or his makeup. If it can’t be changed or if it’s because I changed, because I sullied it by growing up.

Where did I go wrong? Where did he start to change? When did he leave me, and become who he is now?

A cruel stranger, one who changes like the wind, one who I could never trust.