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Jason : Murder wasn’t on today’s agenda.

Dick : It’s not on anyone’s.

Damian : No, it’s on mine, just not until next Thursday.

Dick : *Shrugs* :\

—————————

Tim : I want 17 shots of espresso in my coffee, please. Thanks.

Dick : *Horrified* Nope, that’s where I draw the line.

I want more Brucie Wayne Content. I can’t get enough of the man embarrassing the shit out of himself. It’s addicting.

But I also want to see Brucie breaking character when he’s in a room with a reporter.

I want to see Bruce literally dumping himself on a love seat and Jason just passes him an unlit cigarette (ehem), which Tim (yes, Tim) lights up with his random ass lighter. Then I want to read the reporter slowly losing their goddamn minds. Because,

“This can’t be Brucie Wayne! He’s the Prince of Gotham!”

“Aren’t they suppose to be the happy, pleasant family that donates money that seems to never end?”

To which I want Bruce to respond with,

“I am the Prince of Gotham. But remember, Joker is the Clown Prince of crime in Gotham. If he’s Crime, then I have to be the Prince of something too, don’t I?”

Then his kids all surrounding him are just snickering to each other.

The Titan Tower Attack In Fics :

I wasn’t too sure about Barbara but alas—

Anyways, when I saw the ‘Is god’ section I knew I had to put Alfred.

Also— Dick is talking about a different god, ofc. That’s his emotional support gramps.

Tim Drake H/c because I can

1. Dick

When Dick pisses Tim off. Tim disappears for a few days and no one knows where he is. Tims anger subsides fast when he’s alone so he’ll “remove” himself from the equation so to speak. And then Dick will be crying over Tim because it reminded Dick of when he didn’t believe him about Bruce.

2. Jason

When Tim is angry with Jason he’ll replace all his books with porn/smut. No matter where the books is, (because you can’t tell me Jason doesn’t have copies stashed around in different places) it will have smut. As you flip through the first few pages it will look normal and then BAAM, genitals all up in your face.

3. Damian

Damian’s threats and comments don’t really bother him because Tim knows they aren’t real. (Cough* cough*) But when Damian manages to say something that actually gets Tim angry, Tim will pretend like his plotting something and then let Damian drive himself into the ground with paranoia.

4. Cassandra

N/a

5. Bruce

Where do I even begin?? Tim will mess with the Watchtowers security. (Of course, there was proper planning and precautions put to this before it is done.) Tim will make the lights flicker and deactivate the system for a few moments before rebooting them.

Then he’ll move onto the bat-computer. He’ll erase some little details in Bruce’s files on criminals and watch him go insane because “I could have sworn I typed it down” Bruce is old. And he won’t be able to tell the difference.

And the thing I find the funniest is that half of the time Bruce and Jason don’t even suspect Tim at all. Bruce will think it’s Jason and Jason will think that it’s Roy. Because you can’t tell me Roy hasn’t done the same thing.

Everyone : Tim is the blasé child.

Tim : What they don’t know can’t hurt them.

*Cue Tim saying Batman doesn’t have friends, blowing up Ra’s bases, hiring a rando person to act as his uncle, clone his bestie, etc, etc”

Everyone : *Oblivious*

I stand by my decision.

Also, I want to talk about the fact I used such a cute photo of Damian and at the side it’s just ‘Purposeful Murder’.

Bruce : You fought an entire group of elite assassins who have succeeded in killing everyone they ever planned on assassinating.

Tim : Yep

Bruce : And you walked away relatively unharmed.

Tim : Yeah, they all died in the explosion.

Bruce : What explosion?

Tim : …

Bruce : Tim, what explosion—

Tim, backing away slowly : …

Bruce, well aware of how unhinged his kids can be but still had hopes for this one : whAT EXPLOSION!?

*Alternate Universe where Damian was upset at Dick for not believing Tim*

Damian, hugging/clinging onto Tim like his life depends on it : Tt, Grayson is stupid!

*Tim, awkwardly patting him on the back but smiling softly*

Dick : T^T

Jason : *Talking about his kill count*

Bruce : *Thinks Damian’s kill count is the highest*

Dick : *Thinks Jason’s kill count is the highest*

*Tim and Damian looking at each other from across the room*

Tim and Damian : …

Jason, pointing at Tim : Bruce, look me in the eyes and tell me that kid is okay.

*Tim, mixing in Monster and Red Bull with his coffee that has way more espresso shots than legally allowed*

Bruce : …He looks fin—

Jason : NO, HE FUCKING ISN’T. ARE YOU BLIND??

Damian : *murmurs* Fuck

Dick : WHAT DID YOU SAY!?

Damian : I SAID FUCK

*A normal morning*

Jason : Making a cup of Cocoa*

*Tim walks in with a cup of coffee already in his hand*

Tim : Good Morning, I see the assassins have failed.

*Proceeds to walk away*

Jason, shooketh : The what? TIM, THE WHAT?

Jason : I have a solution

Dick : Thank god!

Jason : It involves fire

Bruce : Absolutely not!

Tim : Sigh* Why is this my family?

Damian : Tt, I still think we should have gone with my proposal.

Tim : Your suggestion included 30 cats and one pack of catnip, Damian.

Tim : You Dumbass!

Dick : I didn’t t screw up that much!

Tim : The GCPD is hunting you down, you did screw up that much.

Tim : We’re dead, and if we don’t die here, Bruce and Alfred are going to kill us.

*In an Alternate Universe Where Pru and Tim met differently*

Tim : You’re an Assassin!?

Pru : We’ve known each other for literally two days. Why are you so shocked?

Tim : I just thought I’d get a normal friend for once..

Pru : What do you mean ‘for once’?

Bruce : Murder is not okay. Unless it’s the Joker.

Dick : Murder is not okay. Unless it’s the Joker.

Jason, pulling out his gun : Murder is okay.

Tim, blowing up Ra’s al Ghul bases : Murder is okay.

Damian, taking his katana out : Murder is okay.

Alfred, loading his shotgun : I wish more people broke into the Manor.

Tim : *Saves a kitten stuck in a tree*

Damian, who was forced to follow him buy groceries because Alfred is sick : I don’t know wether to kick you and take the kitten or praise you for saving it.

Tim : *Doing some complicated coding to find out the IP address of criminals*

Jason : *Doing his absolute best to annoy the shit out of Tim* NoTiCe mEeEeeeeEee

Robber : *Breaks into the Wayne Manor*

The Kids : *Still in full kevlar suits and trying to steal cookies from Alfred*

Alfred : ...

Robber : I'll see myself out-

Alfred : See that you do, sir.

Tim : Where are you going?

Jason : Hell most likely

Dick : *Horrified*

Damian : Snort*

Jason : When did you learn you could time travel?

Tim : Tomorrow