Janeacular - Blue Haired Rapunzel

I've never been a caitvi shipper (no hate just never felt a spark) so in preparation for season 2 I would like to formally invite caitvi shippers to yap at me and explain the hype. I wanna be destroyed by their breakup so bad but I just don't get why she's tweaking over a situationship with a cop that lasted like a week Please please please help me see the light, shippers go crazy, I want you guys to write essays if you can, make my heart hurt

Dear Mommy,

I wish you could see the pain you’ve caused me. I wish you could see the way the little girl inside me cries out for your love. For your attention. For your understanding. I’m sorry I broke your heart when I was little. I’m sorry I break your heart, now. I couldn’t see the ways in which I hurt your feelings in search of my independence. I’m sorry that you don’t see how grateful I am for your sacrifices. I’m sorry that I can’t accept the way you love me. I’m sorry I can’t be the daughter you expect. I’m sorry I can’t be as resistant to negativity the way you are. I’m sorry I wasn’t big enough, or mature enough, or smart enough. I’m sorry that my feelings take up so much space that you have grown tired of feeling ‘sorry’ for me. I’m sorry that the ways you hurt me, hurt to hear. I’m sorry the ways you failed me, hurt to hear. I’m sorry that I dare to take up space and assert my boundaries. I’m sorry I was never easy to bend or mold. I’m sorry I tried to think for myself. I’m sorry I wasn’t more verbal with the things that hurt me. I’m sorry grandma hurt you. I’m sorry that she made you feel small. I’m sorry that the only way you know how to love is to shower people with gifts that are only meant for the person. I’m sorry you don’t understand how to apologize. I’m sorry it brings you so much anguish to be wrong. I’m sorry life didn’t go the way you wanted. I’m sorry the one person who had your back no matter what, passed away. I’m sorry you feel so lonely. I’m sorry you feel so misunderstood. I’m sorry you feel so lost.

The little girl in me will never stop wanting to know you, to love you, to forgive you. But as an adult, I’ve grown weary. I’m tired of shrinking myself to accommodate your feelings. I’m tired of never feeling important or validated unless your feelings are validated, first. I’m tired of being your punching bag. I’m tired of being your competitor. I’m tired of being your redemption. I’m tired of being your healing. I’m tired of being your validation.

I feel that I’ve always had to parent myself. Guide myself. I feel that every time I’ve listened to you, I should’ve just listened to my gut. I wish I had listened to other lessons. I wish I knew when I could’ve trusted your judgment. I wish I was able to read between the lines as a girl. I wish I was able to recognize your pain and not internalize it. I wish I was normal. I wish my brain wasn’t so affected by the pain. I wish my heart didn’t hurt so much. I wish I wasn’t angry. I wish I could just stop feeling. I wish you would get help. I wish you would see me. I wish you would’ve cared enough to take therapy seriously.

I still hope. I still hope for the day you see me. I still hope for the time you know exactly what to say after years of experience. I hope you get the healing you need. I hope you start to feel the love you give others. I hope I can forgive you one day. I hope I can let go of this anger. I hope my chest will feel lighter, one day.

— A daughter searching for her place

more carmane sandiego

Going forward I have decided to she/her Lestat

Coffin Mother - A poem.

I was born with splinters poking out I was held in bloodless arms My mother bore me skin and bone But she was a box, and never a home My mother's kisses were dusty and dry My mother's door rusted shut I am new and unaware of you How my father was a victim too There is only one way coffins show love There is an inevitability about it Submitting to the grave is your only one true fate and her chest cavity is beckoning you're late from dust to dust we always return at any moment you could strike to hold me sing me a lullaby while you take my life Death mother keep me safe You've kept me trapped from the sky burred under shrouds of darkness and dirt Like a blanket over my world to deny you is to open my eyes I break your fragile lid and rip your hinges Torn away I cast parts of you aside I crawl with my dead hands through the earth above until a rumored heaven breaks open my brown sky Light and colors fill my vision, the air is not stale my lungs sting and my muscles ache I was not built for standing, walking 6 feet below I can hear howling curses of forgiveness; "This transgression could be forgiven You've had your fun, now come down from there The pain you caused, the body you've broken All that you've abandoned in the home I've built Just try to use the muscles I raised you with I knew you weren't ready for this Come sleep on my chest and let the cold soothe you Everyone has to die eventually." Coffin mother I hate you the ultraviolet burns my malnourished skin There is wood in my lungs, skin, hair Headboards feel like tombstones, Bouquets are mournful Coffin mother I miss you walking on my own with these unused legs makes me yearn for the embrace of sleep laying down in you to turn my brain off Coffin mother I don't love you But I do, in the way you love starvation after awhile Recovery can't stop my memories of enjoyment the high I chased of emptiness you gave I won't ever return to you, I'll blow my ashes in the wind, and you can die with whatever scars my freedom cost. Nobody is coming to fix the hole I punched through you to reach the sky. I can't remove the dirt from my nails or the splinters permanently in my blood. But you can't catch me to engulf my soul in it anymore. I don't care if I'm a dead thing among men. I will die with more life than I was born with. Despite you and your version of the world.