Option 3 Is Too Hard Bye See You In Hell Or Heaven Or Whenever

Option 3 is too hard bye see you in hell or heaven or whenever

Three options

I accept now that I’m too old, I lived enough and I’m afraid, I say goodbye with this note. I regret making new amazing friends because I don’t want them to lose a friend. I don’t have anything, not even physical health, nobody cares about me, especially my mom, she never really cared about me and I don’t have anybody to guide me in life who I feel comfortable with. My life is already too fucked up to be fixed, I’m gonna see people achieve their dreams while I lay in bed consumed by fear, and I will accept that. Will daydreaming be my only source of happiness? I have three options:

1.- Killing myself, something that I always wanted.

2.- Daydream forever and slowly lose sensibility because there are no experiences to stimulate my life no more. Go crazy as time goes by, and as a consequence, losing my ability to daydream. And finally, after some years, go crazier and die.

3.- Don’t give up and try to enjoy life again and fall in love with everything I ever had a passion for, as consequence feel fulfilled, be happy and help others if I can.

But the thing with this one is: it’s too hard and I feel like a loser already, in a good freely way, even tho it’s also bittersweet, I’m writing this with hot tears running down my cheeks because this is the final goodbye to my dreams, I accept it and I’m gonna be ok, I’m just a little scared about going crazy but I’m more scared if I decide to try and have a life, and my body seriously can’t handle more damage, I’d have a heart attack and die, so option 1 or 2 are looking more appetizing. Another thing is, if I choose option 1 or 2 I won’t be able to stop thinking about “what if I decided to go for option 3” and I’d convince myself that if I had chosen option 3 I would’ve been incredibly successful in every aspect of my life.

Making this blog means I’m choosing option 3.

Diary entry 14/8/2024 at 21:12

I told my mommy about "The point of view of love: when impossibly becomes itself” it's smt I wrote :) she told me that I am very wise (and more than that, but I'm too lazy to type rn) I told her that, cause I think it's the most important part of a healing journey and it’s so powerful that you might not even need to heal, you’ll just be healed after seeing life from the pov of love (I’m being fr, this has happened to me, that’s why I wrote it) I think it's the goal of life that everyone should have. And I wanna start to heal, with both of us having that in mind.

I’d rather kms than do what someone tells me to

Why does punishing myself feel like a relief ?

How tf do I live with a disgusting family secret that was revealed to me two days ago? I will sue this family member asap, but what can I do to live sanely while he’s still living freely?

One of my most unhealthy beliefs, that if I change I’ll have a better life, is that it’s a fact that I’m free in bad situations. It is my comfort zone when I’m in situations of stress or pure sadness or anger or my life is not how I want it to be. I don’t feel free in situations of justice for me, or moments of pure love or happiness or success. I feel afraid and I don’t feel safe or prepared or confident in those situations, and like something wrong is gonna happen any minute and everything is gonna get ruined. It has NEVER been my comfort zone for the past 20 years. In order to live a better life I have to change that, but I don’t know where to start, I need help on that. I feel like the positives from my life are not real since I’m not used to feel that way and if it’s true, it probably won’t be true for a long time.