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Three options

I accept now that I’m too old, I lived enough and I’m afraid, I say goodbye with this note. I regret making new amazing friends because I don’t want them to lose a friend. I don’t have anything, not even physical health, nobody cares about me, especially my mom, she never really cared about me and I don’t have anybody to guide me in life who I feel comfortable with. My life is already too fucked up to be fixed, I’m gonna see people achieve their dreams while I lay in bed consumed by fear, and I will accept that. Will daydreaming be my only source of happiness? I have three options:

1.- Killing myself, something that I always wanted.

2.- Daydream forever and slowly lose sensibility because there are no experiences to stimulate my life no more. Go crazy as time goes by, and as a consequence, losing my ability to daydream. And finally, after some years, go crazier and die.

3.- Don’t give up and try to enjoy life again and fall in love with everything I ever had a passion for, as consequence feel fulfilled, be happy and help others if I can.

But the thing with this one is: it’s too hard and I feel like a loser already, in a good freely way, even tho it’s also bittersweet, I’m writing this with hot tears running down my cheeks because this is the final goodbye to my dreams, I accept it and I’m gonna be ok, I’m just a little scared about going crazy but I’m more scared if I decide to try and have a life, and my body seriously can’t handle more damage, I’d have a heart attack and die, so option 1 or 2 are looking more appetizing. Another thing is, if I choose option 1 or 2 I won’t be able to stop thinking about “what if I decided to go for option 3” and I’d convince myself that if I had chosen option 3 I would’ve been incredibly successful in every aspect of my life.

Making this blog means I’m choosing option 3.

The goal of life

Is to live it from the point of view of love, that’s when impossibility becomes itself.

This is connected to “He was here, he left, but he was here.” and I think I’ll post it tomorrow :)

The goal of life

Is to live it from the point of view of love, that’s when impossibility becomes itself.

I can't be afraid of dying

I’m not afraid of death

If you died then it’s ok

If you died then I can too

If you died I wanna go with you

My chest magnet is not attracted to your grave anymore

It’s attracted to your soul

It’s going up like fire

To where you are

Wherever that place is

I don’t wanna live forever if it’s without you

So I’m always excited for my death

If you died and dying as well is the only way to go to where you are

Then I can’t wait for my turn

And if it’s just pure nothing, then there’s no grief

I’ve been seeing some videos of people who made the life I want happen for them, it gives me hope, fear and tbh a little bit of jealousy. I wish I had been born pretty enough to post my face online, I wish I could erase myself from the mind of people from my past, and more than anything, I wish I were from a first world country, fuck, at least not from a boring ass country that seems to be allergic to art and fun; I feel so wrong being here and it seems impossible to live somewhere else where I’d feel like I belong.

Making the life I want happen seems so hard for someone like me that I don’t even wanna try, but I can’t stop making poems and writing stories and scripts haha idk, it seems like I don’t have any other options than to never give up, we’ll see

Praying to have at least a beautiful dream for my birthday, since I can’t wish for anything tangible.

I’m crying, I used to be so embarrassed of being this lonely that I wouldn’t talk about it, also because I have my beautiful and wonderful online friends, but I need to hear the laugh of my friends in real time yk, it’s a need !

I can’t do this anymore, I feel like I have a black hole in the center of my chest and it’ll consume me completely anytime. I just wanna make it to my birthday. I swore I’ll make a change to make this one a good one, but I don’t think I did, now I’m afraid my next birthday will be as miserable, it can’t be tho, not two times in a row. Idk what I’ll do for my birthday, it doesn’t feel magical anymore, it even feels diabolic.

I wrote this like two years ago, it’s part of a song and a poem called Lonely nights thinking about hugs

It’s so lonely to sleep at night

Without by my side

‘Cause I don’t even know who you are

I can tell I’m not being kissed

I can tell I’m not being hugged

And I feel the wind passing through my skin

Option 3 is too hard bye see you in hell or heaven or whenever

Three options

I accept now that I’m too old, I lived enough and I’m afraid, I say goodbye with this note. I regret making new amazing friends because I don’t want them to lose a friend. I don’t have anything, not even physical health, nobody cares about me, especially my mom, she never really cared about me and I don’t have anybody to guide me in life who I feel comfortable with. My life is already too fucked up to be fixed, I’m gonna see people achieve their dreams while I lay in bed consumed by fear, and I will accept that. Will daydreaming be my only source of happiness? I have three options:

1.- Killing myself, something that I always wanted.

2.- Daydream forever and slowly lose sensibility because there are no experiences to stimulate my life no more. Go crazy as time goes by, and as a consequence, losing my ability to daydream. And finally, after some years, go crazier and die.

3.- Don’t give up and try to enjoy life again and fall in love with everything I ever had a passion for, as consequence feel fulfilled, be happy and help others if I can.

But the thing with this one is: it’s too hard and I feel like a loser already, in a good freely way, even tho it’s also bittersweet, I’m writing this with hot tears running down my cheeks because this is the final goodbye to my dreams, I accept it and I’m gonna be ok, I’m just a little scared about going crazy but I’m more scared if I decide to try and have a life, and my body seriously can’t handle more damage, I’d have a heart attack and die, so option 1 or 2 are looking more appetizing. Another thing is, if I choose option 1 or 2 I won’t be able to stop thinking about “what if I decided to go for option 3” and I’d convince myself that if I had chosen option 3 I would’ve been incredibly successful in every aspect of my life.

Making this blog means I’m choosing option 3.

Diary entry 14/8/2024 at 21:12

I told my mommy about "The point of view of love: when impossibly becomes itself” it's smt I wrote :) she told me that I am very wise (and more than that, but I'm too lazy to type rn) I told her that, cause I think it's the most important part of a healing journey and it’s so powerful that you might not even need to heal, you’ll just be healed after seeing life from the pov of love (I’m being fr, this has happened to me, that’s why I wrote it) I think it's the goal of life that everyone should have. And I wanna start to heal, with both of us having that in mind.

I find comfort

I find comfort in thinking about what I want to do

I find comfort in the unknown, and not in a mystic exciting way

I find comfort in the fact that good things might happen

But if I try them

I have the belief that they won’t

So I find comfort in daydreaming and hope

One of my most unhealthy beliefs, that if I change I’ll have a better life, is that it’s a fact that I’m free in bad situations. It is my comfort zone when I’m in situations of stress or pure sadness or anger or my life is not how I want it to be. I don’t feel free in situations of justice for me, or moments of pure love or happiness or success. I feel afraid and I don’t feel safe or prepared or confident in those situations, and like something wrong is gonna happen any minute and everything is gonna get ruined. It has NEVER been my comfort zone for the past 20 years. In order to live a better life I have to change that, but I don’t know where to start, I need help on that. I feel like the positives from my life are not real since I’m not used to feel that way and if it’s true, it probably won’t be true for a long time.

I haven't finished writing anything in so long, it feels like I've given up...

Sometimes... Maybe... I wish