I Havent Had A Visual Hallucination Since Like A Decade And A Half, But I Did Today :( Right Before Taking

I haven’t had a visual hallucination since like a decade and a half, but I did today :( Right before taking a nap I saw my wall had kid’s handwriting made with pen and pencil, then it was just pencil and then they looked erased but still there depending on the lighting I was looking at the wall from :( I feel so dumb writing this cause I didn’t notice it was a hallucination when it obviously was :( I know that I was having a psychotic episode and ofc I was out of myself, but as a kid there was a point when I knew when I was having a hallucination or not :( so yeah this is the sad story of today I guess

And I was preparing to wake up angry at my cousin for letting her kids do whatever they want all the time, but I woke up with a normal wall 😭🔫

Option 3 is too hard bye see you in hell or heaven or whenever

Three options

I accept now that I’m too old, I lived enough and I’m afraid, I say goodbye with this note. I regret making new amazing friends because I don’t want them to lose a friend. I don’t have anything, not even physical health, nobody cares about me, especially my mom, she never really cared about me and I don’t have anybody to guide me in life who I feel comfortable with. My life is already too fucked up to be fixed, I’m gonna see people achieve their dreams while I lay in bed consumed by fear, and I will accept that. Will daydreaming be my only source of happiness? I have three options:

1.- Killing myself, something that I always wanted.

2.- Daydream forever and slowly lose sensibility because there are no experiences to stimulate my life no more. Go crazy as time goes by, and as a consequence, losing my ability to daydream. And finally, after some years, go crazier and die.

3.- Don’t give up and try to enjoy life again and fall in love with everything I ever had a passion for, as consequence feel fulfilled, be happy and help others if I can.

But the thing with this one is: it’s too hard and I feel like a loser already, in a good freely way, even tho it’s also bittersweet, I’m writing this with hot tears running down my cheeks because this is the final goodbye to my dreams, I accept it and I’m gonna be ok, I’m just a little scared about going crazy but I’m more scared if I decide to try and have a life, and my body seriously can’t handle more damage, I’d have a heart attack and die, so option 1 or 2 are looking more appetizing. Another thing is, if I choose option 1 or 2 I won’t be able to stop thinking about “what if I decided to go for option 3” and I’d convince myself that if I had chosen option 3 I would’ve been incredibly successful in every aspect of my life.

Making this blog means I’m choosing option 3.

The fact that I’m stuck cause everything was worse 😭

🫠🔫

I’ve been seeing some videos of people who made the life I want happen for them, it gives me hope, fear and tbh a little bit of jealousy. I wish I had been born pretty enough to post my face online, I wish I could erase myself from the mind of people from my past, and more than anything, I wish I were from a first world country, fuck, at least not from a boring ass country that seems to be allergic to art and fun; I feel so wrong being here and it seems impossible to live somewhere else where I’d feel like I belong.

Making the life I want happen seems so hard for someone like me that I don’t even wanna try, but I can’t stop making poems and writing stories and scripts haha idk, it seems like I don’t have any other options than to never give up, we’ll see

“You are part of this world. nobody can ever take that from you.” “There is space in this world for all of you. all of us.” “We are one.”

-Damon Baker

Diary entry 14/8/2024 at 21:12

I told my mommy about "The point of view of love: when impossibly becomes itself” it's smt I wrote :) she told me that I am very wise (and more than that, but I'm too lazy to type rn) I told her that, cause I think it's the most important part of a healing journey and it’s so powerful that you might not even need to heal, you’ll just be healed after seeing life from the pov of love (I’m being fr, this has happened to me, that’s why I wrote it) I think it's the goal of life that everyone should have. And I wanna start to heal, with both of us having that in mind.