I Eat Soul Food Just To Meditate I Swear. My Life Is Lived Just To Have The Best Meditations. I Take
I eat soul food just to meditate I swear. My life is lived just to have the best meditations. I take and give energy just to later meditate. I make energy move just to have the most fulfilling meditation after.
Always smt greater than love, like I can only feel that in soul form, I never thought that was possible, but if thatās what death is like, then I canāt wait to die. When Iām in a deep meditation, in the deepest moment, I just think āif this is death, then Iāll k1ll myself right after I finish meditatingā and I repeat that with excitement in my head over and over again, but when I finish and my heart starts to beat differently, I forget part of that feeling, like itās in a hidden part of my memory that I can only access if Iām in the specific state of mind I was in while meditating, It makes me less afraid of death but since I forget part of the feeling, I get a little afraid again :/
(also, the beautiful visual art is by arozear on instagram and itās exactly how I feel!)
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Option 3 is too hard bye see you in hell or heaven or whenever
Three options
I accept now that Iām too old, I lived enough and Iām afraid, I say goodbye with this note. I regret making new amazing friends because I donāt want them to lose a friend. I donāt have anything, not even physical health, nobody cares about me, especially my mom, she never really cared about me and I donāt have anybody to guide me in life who I feel comfortable with. My life is already too fucked up to be fixed, Iām gonna see people achieve their dreams while I lay in bed consumed by fear, and I will accept that. Will daydreaming be my only source of happiness? I have three options:
1.- Killing myself, something that I always wanted.
2.- Daydream forever and slowly lose sensibility because there are no experiences to stimulate my life no more. Go crazy as time goes by, and as a consequence, losing my ability to daydream. And finally, after some years, go crazier and die.
3.- Donāt give up and try to enjoy life again and fall in love with everything I ever had a passion for, as consequence feel fulfilled, be happy and help others if I can.
But the thing with this one is: itās too hard and I feel like a loser already, in a good freely way, even tho itās also bittersweet, Iām writing this with hot tears running down my cheeks because this is the final goodbye to my dreams, I accept it and Iām gonna be ok, Iām just a little scared about going crazy but Iām more scared if I decide to try and have a life, and my body seriously canāt handle more damage, Iād have a heart attack and die, so option 1 or 2 are looking more appetizing. Another thing is, if I choose option 1 or 2 I wonāt be able to stop thinking about āwhat if I decided to go for option 3ā and Iād convince myself that if I had chosen option 3 I wouldāve been incredibly successful in every aspect of my life.
Making this blog means Iām choosing option 3.
Not hopeful anymore but still trying, not as hard but still trying
Everything is copyrighted š¹ and Iām mentally ok now, Iām hopeful and trying. If you read smt very negative, know that I wrote it in a different state of mind and I donāt feel like that anymore :) and my header is an apple in a microscope
How tf do I live with a disgusting family secret that was revealed to me two days ago? I will sue this family member asap, but what can I do to live sanely while heās still living freely?
