Peter: People Have Asked Me If I Am A Glass Half Full Person Or A Glass Half Empty Person

Peter: People have asked me if I am a glass half full person or a glass half empty person

Peter: And I have come to this conclusion.

Peter: *abrubtly smashes glass on the ground*

Tony: So kid, anybody you like at school?

Peter: Well I sexually identify as a mistake so what does that say?

Tony: That says “another tharapy appointment.”

There will be nO mercy—🏌🏻‍♀️

Texting:

Peter: *sends a picture of a guy throwing a fidget spinner*

Peter: Consider this a warning

Peter: Oh wrong number, sorry.

Tony: Who was that for?

Tony: Peter who the fuck was that for??

Peter: Y’know, there is a more efficient way to answer someone on the phone when you really don’t wanna talk to them.

Peter: “Mario’s Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce!”

Peter: And guess what, Nick Fury did stop calling after that!

Happy, having a stroke when Nick Fury appears on his phone afterwards:

Peter: Do you ever just...

Peter: *folds like a beach chair*

Harley: Yup *proceeds to fold like a beach chair*

Tony: Um.....pardon me??

Peter: *drops his pencil*

Peter, exasperated: Well zoo wee mama and fuck me with a goddamn fidget spinner.

Tony: What? Do what?? With a wHAT???