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Peter: Heca jehbe kahvrven idhwvbe hebenakd.

Tony: Um...what?

Peter: Ah sorry I thought autocorrect would work.

Tony: Peter this is a verbal conversation—

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Tony: Hey kid, you writing an essay or something?

Peter, typing out his Star Wars DR script: ...yes

Peter: If you haven’t seen two cats riding an elliptical together while looking like loafs of bread, are you really considered alive?

Peter: I don’t care what anybody says, I stand by what I think: nachos are real.

Tony: Who-who opposed???

Harley: I’m just saying...they’re a bit sus...

Peter: Pain. Agony even. Suffering perhaps. Torment maybe.

Tony: I just asked you what you wanted for dinner...jesus fucking christ—

Peter, humming: When you’ve wimbled all your wombles, and you’ve jingled all your jongles, listen to the flimble flomble of my fûckįñg tâñgęrïńē...

Tony:

Peter: People have asked me if I am a glass half full person or a glass half empty person

Peter: And I have come to this conclusion.

Peter: *abrubtly smashes glass on the ground*

Peter: You know, you could consider me like a barbie scooter.

Tony: Elaborate?

Peter: Fabulous and unstable 😀

Tony: I’m firing your therapist—

Tony: Ned, what was the first thing you did after the shooting?

Ned: I called my parents and told them that I was okay.

Tony: And what was the first thing Peter did?

Ned: He ate a banana.

Peter: Technically, you can’t prove that I can die until I do die.

Peter: And after today’s Spanish test, I might just test that theory.

Tony, using Peter’s own webshooters to web him to his bed: NO—

There will be nO mercy—🏌🏻‍♀️

Texting:

Peter: *sends a picture of a guy throwing a fidget spinner*

Peter: Consider this a warning

Peter: Oh wrong number, sorry.

Tony: Who was that for?

Tony: Peter who the fuck was that for??

Tony: So kid, anybody you like at school?

Peter: Well I sexually identify as a mistake so what does that say?

Tony: That says “another tharapy appointment.”

Texting:

Peter: *sends a picture of a guy throwing a fidget spinner*

Peter: Consider this a warning

Peter: Oh wrong number, sorry.

Tony: Who was that for?

Tony: Peter who the fuck was that for??

Peter with his super hearing and his teenage hormones: OH MY GOD STOP BLINKING SO LOUDLY.

Tony, confused and frightened: I’m sORRY?????

Tony: Kid, for the love of God, stop being reckless and getting yourself nearly killed.

Peter: Why’d you have to say that?? You saying that makes me want to do it even more!!

Tony, exasperated: What is wRONG WITH YOU—

Peter: Hey, doesn’t it smell like updog in here?

Bucky: Haha. Kid I’ve heard this too many ti—

*Dog barks being webbed to the ceiling*

Peter: I knew it smelled like updog in here. I guess it’s from the matter?

Bucky: What’s the matter?

Peter: Nothing much what’s the matter with you?

Steve: Bucky, put down my shield—BUCKY—

Peter: May just made seven layer bean dip, you want some?

Tony: Sorry kid, I don’t like beans.

Peter, eyes boring into Tony’s soul: ...Who the fuck doesn’t like beans.

Peter: I wish I could get the same amount of praise as a sham-WOW.

Tony:

Tony: I’m going to hug you now so shut up.

Tony: On a scale from 1 to 10, how are you feeling?

Peter: Well you know when you’re sleeping and your body does that fake falling thing?

Tony: I don’t see how that describes anything...

Peter: I know but I spent most of my afternoon thinking about that.

Tony:

Tony: I’m just gonna put a 3 again...

Peter: *drops his pencil*

Peter, exasperated: Well zoo wee mama and fuck me with a goddamn fidget spinner.

Tony: What? Do what?? With a wHAT???

Tony, introducing Peter to the Avengers: Peter is our newest avenger, Spider-Man.

Steve: That’s a CHILD.

Peter: And that’s an ugly, pimply bitch.

Peter: Y’know, there is a more efficient way to answer someone on the phone when you really don’t wanna talk to them.

Peter: “Mario’s Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce!”

Peter: And guess what, Nick Fury did stop calling after that!

Happy, having a stroke when Nick Fury appears on his phone afterwards:

Peter: Do you ever just...

Peter: *folds like a beach chair*

Harley: Yup *proceeds to fold like a beach chair*

Tony: Um.....pardon me??