HOME?

HOME?

I have no place to be..

I have no home to be..

It's always me who's wandering

Inside a home btw walls..

Wherever I stay..

I'm not standing still..

My legs rests..

My hands rests..

My body rests..

But my mind wanders..

Wondering where it belongs..

Where it can finally sit..

Stay still and relax for a bit..

Always in a hurry to find..

A place where it can be fine..

Always on alert..

Always in motion..

Never still..

Never at rest..

Wandering and wondering..

In search of a place..

While missing the places it has been..

Missing everything it's in..

Missing the present

looking for the future..

Missing everything it has

For something it never had..

Well it's not the mind's fault

To always feel left out..

To always feel like not being home..

And to always yearn for that home..

Where it can relax in peace..

Where it can finally find it's comfort..

Where it can finally be home..

Do such a place exists ??

Can my mind find it ??

Or there's no such place like home ??

No home ??

No peace ??

Will this quest ever cease ??

The Last Summer Dairies..

Last summer was slow, painfully slow, with nothing to do and no one to talk to, bored, silent, lonely.. and so my mind has all the time of the world to think - over think - everything and anything cause why not, I used to write stuff that stings my mind randomly.. I spilled my thoughts and the flow of words into the papers soaking them in the ink of my favourite black pen.. now I wanted to put that whole collection here one by one reminiscing every memory - or thought - again!!

Welcome to my Last Summer Diaries..

capturing the moments (intro?)

Intro pt2

Someone's intro~

To my someone

To my someone 2

coming soon..

Tags : #the last summer dairies

Introvert-friendly?

I mean I'm a socially awkward animal and I need care?! So.. be friendly (introvert-friendly!)

So I want to be in a community of any topic but like the "introvert-friendly" community (or groups or channel or whatever irdk!). No I don't mean like a community of introverts! I just want an introvert-friendly community if it makes sense..

Like an 'introvert' community is a community with introverts but an 'introvert-friendly' community (as I call it ..) is a community that is introvert-friendly.. lol.. ok so what I really mean is a community that's not too small to be less informative/useful but not too big to give anxiety.. I mean I really wanna join in groups that are about my favourite artists or idols or anything I like basically but then seeing the vast numbers of human beings that are formed into such a community makes me anxious.. I mean as much as I would love to be updated with my fav artist I don't want notifications flooding my phone and if the mute or off the notifications still when I open that certain app I would see tons of 'to-be read' texts which are the triggers points, the fear of missing out if I just scroll down and the fear of feeling left out is one thing but the fear to even see that many texts is terrifying (personally!). Which is why I wanna be in communities that are introvert-friendly. Cause I can just join in some communities where we only get updates (and anyone or I cannot text) to be updated but that'd mean no communication at all which is sometimes boring and most of the times discouraging if the reason I wanna join is to make friends or to be more communicative.

I don't know if I even make sense at all with this but this is something I've been feeling lately. I wanna know new people but larger groups make me anxious, more people and more communication makes me anxious, and still I want 'new' people in life T_T like I can go out and make friends but that'd make me anxious too, I mean my whole point is I'm an introvert so you can't expect me to do things in the casual and most usual way, cause what's causal for you is already a trigger point or an terrifying chore for me. Or maybe just maybe meeting new people in life than online is not only much more terrifying but also a lot boring .. ryt ?

Am I overreacting ?? The question that haunts me constantly to the point idk if my emotions are valid, and so i ended up bottling 'em up till I was named the "cold emotionless rock at heart girl' all for hiding the little girl and her emotions inside the deepest corners of my heart and mind so that I can fight the reality while keeping her safe. The only way out for the suppressed emotions was to write 'em all, pouring every little thing I felt, staining the papers not only with ink but with many forbidden thoughts and forgotten feelings.

One of such overflowing midnight thoughts :

OVERREACTING??

Why shall I just react when I can overreact?

when I feel the flooding sarrow that's weighing my heart till I can't stand myself, why shall I just say 'I'm sorry' for things i never did or why shall I forgive, instead of writing a 50 page essay about how messed up you are to make me sick at mind and throw it on your face?!

when there's a 1000 volcanoes erupting inside me burning my insides to ashes till there's nothing left to feel, why shall I just say shut up and leave as if nothing happened when i can shout till I make ur ears bleed and ur eyes tear with guilt for the horrors you made me live in ?!

When I felt like a broken glass with a million pieces shattered around too afraid to walk on but too weak to pick them, why shall I cry in a corner voicing down my tone to not get caught hiding my pain when I can shatter your non existent pride making you aware of the deeds that brought me terror for your great satisfaction?!

...

Writings :

Am I overreacting??

Home ??

Piece of peace

Introvert-friendly?

He wanted more

The Abandoned House

Invisible

Sometimes

Life, she's strange

If you're passionate about something that mortals find somewhat intimidating. You really do have a sexy brain!