I Started Spiraling When I Blocked You. I Cant Get As Bad As I Used To Be Again. Not Because Of You.
I started spiraling when I blocked you. I can’t get as bad as I used to be again. Not because of you.
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More Posts from Sickandinlove04
I’m so confused right now. Nothing has changed except that I am wondering if I could unblock you and be ok. But I know I’m not over you and it still hurts sometimes so the time isn’t right to unblock you. I just miss you. Even though we didn’t talk really and you never liked any of my posts, I liked knowing that you might see them at least. Sometimes I feel pathetic. We’ll see what happens in time.
A few days ago the urge to unblock him became too overwhelming. For me it was a pressure in my chest that was painful. As soon as I unblocked him it was gone and I wasn’t anymore sad than any other day. And I’m still doing ok. Sometimes you have to figure out what’s best for you. Maybe I’ll get bad again but right now I think I did the right thing. Everyone said it would make things worse but right now I feel a little better.
I’m having a day where the realization of my limits of being sick is hitting. I just want to get married and be a stay at home mom someday. I can barely fold laundry and put it away without feeling tired. Putting dishes away is exhausting. It took me two hours to clean one bathroom once bc I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up. But I’m the ridiculous one who has to prove I can do it even though I cried most of the way through it. I can’t imagine a day where I feel healthy enough to take care of kids and clean the house and cook and do everything that needs to be done. I can’t see that future and it hurts. Because that is the only thing I have ever wanted for my future. I don’t have a dream job and I can’t just travel and move as I’d like to. Honestly most days I can’t even see myself in the future. When I was in high school I didn’t think I’d live past 20. Not sure why 20 but it was 20. I can’t see myself having a future. Much less a future where I’m happy and living a normal ish life.
I can feel myself getting bad again and I’m scared.
I’m so sick of second guessing everything I do. Every little thing. I just want to feel good about a decision for once and not be afraid of doing something wrong or of being rejected.