Bpd Favorite Person - Tumblr Posts

I was so obsessed with you that I ignored your red flags to try and make things work. I warned you about my personality disorder and struggles and you took that as an excuse to make it seem like I was the only problem.

why are you able to live without me but all i can think about is you. i just wanted to make you happy, it's all i've ever wanted.

why are you able to live without me but all i can think about is you. i just wanted to make you happy, it's all i've ever wanted.

why are you able to live without me but all i can think about is you. i just wanted to make you happy, it's all i've ever wanted.

why are you able to live without me but all i can think about is you. i just wanted to make you happy, it's all i've ever wanted.

why are you able to live without me but all i can think about is you. i just wanted to make you happy, it's all i've ever wanted.

You know that TikTok that goes ‘I do this bullshit like eight times a week’? Yeah that’s my mood swings and it’s in a ✨d a y✨

I have someone picking me up at seven to do a volunteering thing that I now don’t wanna do, and I haven’t been asleep yet.

It’s FIVE FIFTEEN IN THE FUCKING MORNING 😭😭😭

Is it just me who literally cANNOT DRINK SOCIALLY??

Like. If I’m drinking it’s to the point where the hangover is the worst, and that I’m numb to the world. I don’t know how to have ‘just one drink’. It’s either I can’t feel anything but blissful numbness or nothing at all.

And at the moment, it’s becoming more obvious that I’d literally rather starve than not drink.

So I lasted maybe five days without drinking?? Personal best since I started drinking lmao, ngl. I’m just. I’m so fucking tired, and I want to die but I don’t and I feel everything and yet nothing at all and like can someone tell me what to do about them feelings? I’m so fucking terrified bc of it and idk what to do but I never wanted alcoholism as my fucking coping mechanism, especially because that’s what my mother fucking died of??

I lasted well, I suppose, in the grand scheme of things. I didn’t drink until like?? A year ago maybe?? But then the pandemic happened and this was my only way to cope and now I’m literally budgeting alcohol weekly, and I am so fucking terrified that I’m becoming my mother who was literally emotionally, and, hell, sometimes a lot of the time physically, abusive.

So we just had the housing guy come round bc of something, and then the staff basically asked him to ask me to go into my room because I haven’t let them in today —which, okay, my bad but also, I’m AUTISTIC?! I need a fucking warning, and they didn’t give me one and they said oh we didn’t think you needed one and then I proceeded to cry in front of the guy because I got overwhelmed and I just. GAH.

Like yes my room is a mess. I know that. I can fucking see that! But I am working on it for fucks sake. I am currently in one of my lows and it’s making me want to fucking die and he doesn’t understand that and neither do they and I just. I am crying as I type and I hate it. I want to die or get drunk to the point of being hospitalised because at least then they’d see how bad I’ve gotten because if they have seen they sure as shit haven’t SAID ANYTHING.

And I just. I’m 23 and I hate being alive. I have hated being alive since I was a child. I literally spent most of my life wanting to be dead. I thought I’d be dead by now. And so here I am, no fucking clue on how to live, and unfortunately still alive. And I don’t need bullshit people told me about ‘oh it gets better’ IVE BEEN LIKE THIS SINCE I WAS FUCKING FIVE. I WANTED TO DIE AT FIVE.

And I’m 23 now. That’s 18 years of wanting to die. Nearly two decades and yet people go ‘oh it’ll get better’. Fuck that bullshit. It hasn’t in nearly two decades. It hasn’t since the day I felt like I died when I was a child and it probably never fucking will. So don’t give me some bullshit platitude that doesn’t mean shit.

You know that TikTok that goes ‘I do this bullshit like eight times a week’? Yeah that’s my mood swings and it’s in a ✨d a y✨

I miss him. I'm also crying. But I don't think it's because I miss him? Maybe it is? Maybe I just don't want it to be?

I want to text him. I want to text him please. But I don't want to be too much. I don't want to be too much again.

I don't know what to do. I can't breath. I can't fucking breath anymore. I want him to hug and hold me.

I need to breath again. Please?

I want to text him.

I miss him.

Okay, I texted him.

He is still alive.

:))

I'm okay again. Pretty funny how much I worry about him...

He played guitar today, I love when he plays guitar, it makes me happy.

He is really good at it, and his voice is beautiful too.

He looks so right when he is making music. He seems to be doing better and feeling stuff.

I like him, hehe.

I really do :)

I texted him and it was okay :)

I thought he had been angry at me, but apparently he actually wasn't. I should stop interpretating everything.

I like himmmm.

Ahhhhhhh

Tw: suicide and slight mention of abuse

I seer to fucking God I can't keep doing this, I just can't. I don't want to be here.

Why does everything feel so intense? Why is everything too much for me? Why is it hard to just exist?

I just want to feel safe again. I don't want to lay in bed and be scared of something? I don't even know what I'm scared of?

I need someone who can protect me, someone who would protect me. Someone to stay by my side while I fight.

This is my fight, but I want someone to give me some cover.

I want someone to hold me when I get too weak. I want him.

He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel better. He. Him. I want him. I- I don't know what I'm doing?

Wait, I figured out what caused this breakdown, I showered and put his shit in the laundry...

That is a silly reason and it's not the reason, more of the last straw.

Everything has just been piling up. Like a house of cards and this was the card that broke everything down.

I feel so safe with him. Why?? Like, normally I am scared of everyone. Even people that I can physically overpower. But him.

He makes me feel safe. Even tho I wouldn't stand a chance against him. I am not scared of him. When I think of him I think of strong hand, long hair and soft kisses.

All things that comfort me.

When I think about anyone else, there is always also something that scares me. My friends can blackmail me. My parents can hit me. Strangers can do terrible things to me.

I can't ignore those concerns.

With him I don't have them??

Whattt???

I don't get it, it doesn't make any sense??

I want to hug him. I want to hold him in my arms and make him feel better too...

I don't know how to comfort people. I don't know how to make him feel safe and loved.

I feel all these emotions but I can't express them, they are stuck in my throat and in my hands.

I'm too tired.

I texted a friend that I missed him. Nothing new, but the meaning changed.

We have never met in real life, and the I miss you was meant as in I know we are supposed to be together way.

Now when I text him I miss you I mean it as in I miss you and me. I miss how we were, I miss knowing you the way I did. I miss that it felt like we were meant for each other.

I miss him. So much.

We are on our challenge of don't text him again, wahoo!

Yeah, no, I feel like shit when I text him and bother him and I even mixed up two days and that was terrible I felt so bad.

But I also feel like shit when I am not checking in with him. I have no idea how he is doing?? He could have been kidnapped or be dying right now and I wouldn't know.

I talked to people form dbt (a type of group therapy) and they knew exactly what I was talking about which was really nice.

But I'm just gonna not text him because that seems less annoying?

But what is God compared to him loving me?

I'd do anything for someone to hold me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to be like that. I don't want to act this way.

I'm sorry I can't communicate. I'm sorry that I try and push you away. I'm sorry. I just want you with me.

I'm sorry that I can't say that to you. I'M SORRY.

I'm so fucking sorry please don't leave me?

I know I'm hard to love. I KNOW.

I don't want to be like this.

I promise I am trying to change.

I promise I can act normal.

Please?

Tw: mention of sh

I just relapsed again... 17 days go to waste but I guess it's fine...

I won't text him, no matter what.

I am scared. He'll get sick of me too.

I'm not going to text him first.

No matter what. I am not allowed to text him