Its The Best When You Ask A Quiet Kid About Something They Like And Their Face Lights Up And They Talk

It’s the best when you ask a quiet kid about something they like and their face lights up and they talk more than they have ever talked to you before. Even if you aren’t interested in the same things please let kids talk about their interests.

Ok just want to write out my thoughts and if anyone relates or understands that is great. I was talking to my psychiatrist one day about how I sometimes feel the need to do certain things specifically with my face sometimes (scrunch my nose, stretch my face muscles, make a whistling noise between my teeth). It goes through phases and is worse when my anxiety is worse. She mentioned something about OCD. I have thought about it briefly since I pick at my nails so much and it feels more compulsive and obsessive like dermatillomania (which is as originally only listed under OCD because of the obsessive and compulsive traits it has, now it’s also a body focused repetitive behavior if I remember correctly). Other than that though I never gave it much thought. So I wandered on to the internet to learn more because it piqued my interest. I know OCD is more than organizing and cleaning but I wanted to learn more specifics, not to self diagnose but to try and understand how my brain could be working. I found something called mental contamination which was really interesting. It is basically you feel dirty even though you haven’t actually touched or done anything that would make you dirty. The thing I saw talked about feeling dirty because of someone else’s touch. It made me think about a few things. Mainly it made me think about how much I dislike being close to people and being touched. Some people I feel uncomfortable because it makes me feel dirty from being close to them (I don’t actually think they’re gross or dirty it’s like an intrusive thought, like what are you doing here thought go away). Most people though I feel like if they get too close they’re going to see me how I saw myself when I was younger, and sometimes still do; a disgusting monster that is unlovable. I’m afraid that when they get close they will think I’m gross and disgusting. A boy once told me in high school that I smelled bad. Thinking back it was a summer football practice (I was a manager) so he was probably smelling himself or the fifty other sweating dudes around. On top of the self hatred and anxiety that followed that, I have hyperhidrosis. So I physically felt disgusting from that and my health problems that make me nauseous. I spent many years feeling nauseous to the point where I was in the bathroom crying and missed many classes. Feeling nauseous just feels icky and it translated into me feeling like I am disgusting; like that icky feeling inside is showing outside.

I don’t know what the point of this post is except to ramble my thoughts “out loud”. Probably should find a new therapist but I’m doing okay mostly lol.

The barometric pressure drops and suddenly I cannot function.

Chronic illness is ridiculous.

I hate how I am uncomfortable in literally any social situation. Why must I be awkward?

It also reminds me of how I wore my hair down everyday my freshman year of high school so I could hide my face easily. I still feel the urge to hide my face over 10 years later when I feel like someone is looking at me.

A show made me cry because someone said “you don’t have to hide your face from me” and I didn’t realize how much I could use someone saying that to me

My re-goop when my brain finally fully developed my frontal cortex at 26ish was the best so far (27 now). Things just click a lot easier now

thank fucking god I'm not 14 anymore