Minor Vent - Tumblr Posts

ok thanks guys i appreciate it. to explain a little, i've been having some major executive dysfunction and had to force myself to start a discussion post assignment requiring several (like, a LOT) of replies to other people that was actually due.. tonight. i hadn't started it for two weeks. i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i get that i set myself up for failure and that's super on me, that's why i'm taking the L on this one, but i did end up getting my initial post up along with 9 replies before 12AM (it is currently 11:57PM). so,, yay, i guess? lmaoo i hate polsci

This is going to be a rambley about my romantic identity because I have no idea what I feel.

My labels aren't fitting correctly again, but in an "I am learning more and doubting what I previously thought" kinda way. Like, it's not bad, but it certainly feels weird.

I know that I am aromantic. I don't know what specific kind of aromantic I am, and I do not know why I am obsessed with finding the little box I fit in. Like, I can't really be happy until I find the thing that matches exactly what I feel 100% of the way. But the thing is, what I feel frequently changes. I am so wiggly and I need to calm down or I will lose my mind.

And I never think about my sexual identity because that's something that I don't really care about.. I feel like that sounds off but it's true. I don't care if I'm asexual or allosexual because I never really paid attention to that. I tend to ignore it completely so I don't know why I hold onto a sexual label. And I learned that apparently I can just not!! Like I don't have to put a label on that!! I don't know entirely what that entails or all the little details, but I can stay up all night googling if I need to!!

And another thing that I gripe about with my own personal romantic attraction! What the fuck is up with the wishy-washy love romance hate romance!? Get it together Mackerel! I don't understand why I get these fluttering feelings at the thought of romance and then feeling like I'm sick when I picture myself in those spots. Like what the fuck is up with that? Internal romance Mack, explain.

Another thing that fits with the last blurb, I love silly romantic tropes (sometimes), but the thought, sight, and sound of kissing makes me get the icks. Like, I love the idiots in love trope, it is my favorite ever. Maybe because they feel more like friends but with the flutters, I don't know. But picturing characters in that trope on dates is fine, holding hands is fine, kissing crosses the line, pet names makes me take a lap, and I could not give any less of a shit about them fucking.

Did I talk about my one week long, long distance relationship? I don't think I did, but I pulled the plug on that immediately because I got queasy and uncomfortable at the romantic things being said to me. Not really on topic but my mind kept jumping to it while writing this.

Anyway, I'm gonna go try to find some good tea in this house and google until forget how to read. Good day.

Sorry for not posting anything for the past month, this month has been a constant slap to the face.

lately whenever I sleep ive been dreaming alot & all of the dreams I have tend to be about past stuff ive done and people ive wronged Ive learned just to forget those dreams & focus on better ones, but theyve been really common lately & it worries me I have an appointment with my psychiatrist here soon so I may be able to get medicine for my dreams

but I wanna be able to enjoy my dreams, I always love seeing what I can come up with afterwards like watching a good movie for the first time I want to stop having those dreams be associated with bad memories though

least im not falling apart due to having bad dreams now, better than I was

vent under the cut

sometimes I think Stranger Things might actually be the death of me. I'm so dependent on that damn show for my whole wellbeing and it's how I escape everything, but I'm not sure if that's going to work too much someday. And I know it's something so stupid and mundane and not even valid but really my cat and this damn show are only things that keep me going. My one and only and best friend is ignoring me, life is just me army crawling to the finish line and I don't even know what lies ahead there, and nobody wants to listen to me. Life didn't start out okay for me and I know this is dramatic but it never will be. I didn't get to have a normal fucking childhood, I had to grow up around constantly drunk and angry people and I was the most hated kid in class all the time. Never been to a birthday or a sleepover or even had any notable friends that didn't bully me relentlessly. Getting off track but seriously, the only actual "friend" I have is my one mutual who sometimes tags me in things. If you're reading this then sorry if I'm bombarding you with likes or reblogs or comments, I'm clingy and horrible with people. Distancing myself has been the safest option recently. Don't talk, don't accidentally bump into anyone, don't ask for anything, don't need anything, don't want anything, get the best grades you possibly can and maybe you'll survive. Maybe. If you've read this far then sorry and thanks I guess. Don't feel obligated to do anything, just thanks. Needed to get this off my chest somehow.

I hate it when people don't believe my fake smile omg. Yes I'm lying but stop accusing me of lying shush

Does anyone else hate drawing themselves? Like I just did a little doodle of myself bc I like my outfit and it feels so cringy?

It's like every time I draw something just for me (that includes giving ocs my sexuality) I feel self centered yk.

Like "this oc has the same sexuality as me so I need to make sure I have more ocs that don't "

Little rant, sorry!

My mum borrowed my headphones and when she tried to throw them back to me they fell down the gap in the sofa. She then got mad at me for being upset and for "not trying to catch it"

So I had to literally lie down on the floor with a nail file to push the headphone case close enough for me to grab. While I had barely any space to do that because her boyfriend is also on the sofa. It's hard enough to get in the floor with the table and sofa in the way without worrying about accidentally kicking someone who's right next to me.

Also every 2 minutes my mum would go "do you need help" in a condescending way as if she wasn't the one who fucking threw it right into the gap

I'm having a shitty day and I swear to God if I cry over this I'm going to fight someone

Very helpful conversation I just had (asking if I have enough food for school tmrrw)

Nan- what about bread?

Me- I have bread

Mum- Have you definitely got enough?

Me- yeah I've got like an entire loaf

Mum (to nan)- it might be bad actually

Me- no it's fine

Nan- I've got some bread inside you can have

Me- I don't need any more bread

Mum- yeah we'll take that

Why even ask if my input doesn't matter?? I swear I could've said I owned an entire bakery and it wouldn't have made a difference, I'm taking the fucking bread I guess

I literally have more than half of a loaf, I will need two slices. The shopping will arrive tomorrow evening when I will get more bread. Literally listen to what I'm saying??

So my mum keeps telling me that I'm too skinny and making me feel shitty but when I asked to go get a snack she immediately told me I've been eating too many snacks?

Like I'm hungry so can you just pick a side?? She said if I was that hungry I should get some nuts and then got mad at me when I said nuts aren't filling.

"are you ready yet? Hurry up!"

Maybe I'd be ready if you told me we were going out?? Why tf would I be ready you never said I needed to get ready???

I'm trying to find painkillers and there is literally nothing I can take here but we have like 5 whole boxes of sertraline and naproxen

You ever do homework and you're so far under the word limit and it's like what else do you want from me I've even used therefore already

I'm on just over 300 words but I need at least 600 and I'm fighting-to-keep-your-eyes-ooen tired but it's due tomorrow

And I'm literally doing it in my notes app because I can't use my laptop rn. When I finish I'm literally gonna send a screenshot to my teacher (he should be fine with it - I once emailed him a photo of a gecko and he didn't care but that's another story)

I hate the feeling of waking up when you were crying the night before, like my eyes are achy as shit bc I was sad yesterday?? Fucking scam istg

Since I was just crying like a lot my face is now SO RED

And I was ab to go back to my mum but Jesus my eyes are like fully red, so is my nose and the under eye part, my eyes are still kinda leaky and my nose is running. I look like an absolute wreck rn and I rlly don't want to talk to her ab me being sad

I have zero motivation to draw and so much motivation to draw at the same time AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Thank you Oceania for another beautiful reblog.

Hey, yeah. There have been people who harassed me for who I am, and they don't care the cite or place - they'll do it anywhere. The most recent time I was actually affected by this was over Word Bomb on Roblox. It wasn't a silly little "Hey, I dislike your name and avatar." which is just Gabriel ULTRAKILL in a maid dress with the generalized display name "Catgirl_Era". It was a full on "go jump" and the whole "should I call the waa-mbulance?" after so many of my words. More happened of course but too much to list plus I can't remember it all. I genuinely considered at that moment. I've also got foul asks here which will be displayed below the cut due to how awful they are. These are during some previous rp days, and people like this have scared me out of an entire fandom and forced me into trying to make people stop playing the game.

Your actions DO IMPACT PEOPLE. I understand how it can be so easy to jump to threats like they're nothing as I've been there, but think of those who actually are mentally ill. The last thing I want, especially as someone who rarely cries so no one worries about them, is to be harassed by gangs again. This wasn't a first, and especially not on Roblox.

Your threats are extremely impactful. Your actions are extremely impactful. Be aware of others, please.

Wowie, you actually read this! Thank you a whole lot <3 Images below and obvious content warning.

Note: these are from a few years ago, but the point still stands. I was going through a bad phase is all (that's what's with all the weird rp mentions and sexual mentions)

About a week ago I posted this.

I’ve been getting horrible messages like this in my ask for months, including:

and my personal favorite

After getting the message saying “Just go kill yourself” I was completely done dealing with this person’s horrible messages and replied with just an “Okay.” and logged off tumblr.

About a week later I logged back on with 17 messages in my ask, most of them from the anon. I scrolled down and at first when I logged off, the anon messaged me things like

I scrolled up more and all of a sudden they started sending me more and more messages like

This was extremely surprising to me. I thought “After all those horrible messages you sent to me for MONTHS about hating me and wanting me dead, you say ‘sorry’ and that you ‘cant be responsible for someone’s suicide’?”

But I guess the lesson goes like this:

DONT TELL ANYONE TO KILL THEMSELVES UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED FOR WHAT MIGHT ACTUALLY HAPPEN

I could be sitting on my floor playing with toys :c I still care about them and wanna feel all young and sillyyy

I could be making stimboards of my sillies and trying to relax

Why is life so hard and unfair :( I'm just a little guy and I should be able to feel like one