Redacted Bestie - Tumblr Posts

How To Quickly Categorize Redacted Audio Listeners By Using Iced Tea:

-Drinks iced tea straight from its two-liter carton:

Darlin

Angel

Bright Eyes

Seer Obscura

Cutie

Bestie

-Drinks iced tea from a glass like a normal person but the glass is filled with more ice than tea:

Sweetheart

Lovely

Sunshine

Yandere Ivan's Baby

Smartass

-Drinks iced tea warm, defeating the whole purpose of it being iced:

Warden

Asset

-Prefers hot tea:

Baabe

Starlight

Precious

Flyboi Ivan's Baby

Honey

Anton's Listener

Lasko's Water Elemental

"Why would you drink tea when [sugary, over-caffeinated thing that will one day give them diabetes] exists?":

Ollie's Babe

Freelancer

When Frustrated Or Extremely Angry, These Listeners Do The Following:

Goes for a run: Sweetheart, Warden, Anton's Listener

Starts hitting things: Darlin, Cutie, Smartass,

Starts hitting people: Honey, Lovely

Aggressively paints on their body and every surface in their home that should not be painted: Baabe, Starlight, Sunshine, Asset, Lasko's Water Elemental

Starts chugging either ungodly amounts of soda or furiously crunching on breath mints: Angel, Bestie, Seer Obscura, Mentor, James' Listener

All of the above in that order: Freelancer, Bright Eyes

Cries afterward: Anton's Listener, Cutie, Smartass, Lovely, Sunshine, Angel, Seer Obscura, Freelancer

Assigning the Redacted cast Genshin mains because somebody has to.

Asher: Just wants to play Fu Hua, but she doesn't exist here, so this man is a Dps Barbara main just to cause chaos.

Sweetheart: Was a Jean main until Itto came out.

Milo: Was turned into a Gorou main once Sweetheart got Itto. He didn't play the game before then and sarcastically hates Sweetheart's constant "dog boy" jokes.

Angel: The thirstiest Raiden main to ever be a Raiden main.

David: ...That man mains Diluc and Angel gives him so much shit for it (and, to be fair, he doesn't even really "main" Diluc, seeing how David hardly plays the game).

Darlin: Geo Traveler because they want to piss off Angel.

Lovely: A Keqing main who still believes she has real cat ears.

Sam: Noelle main because claymore characters are the only ones slow enough for him to keep track of and he needs the shield because otherwise he will perish.

Vincent: A Eula main. Obviously.

Gavin: A Rosaria/Yelan main. Again, obviously.

Damien: "Stop fucking healing me" the Hu Tao main.

Lasko: Sucrose main turned Heizou main.

Huxley: His main is Itto, but his best built character is Nahida.

Freelancer: A Sayu main who strictly refers to her as "the lazy avatar."

Kody: A (very badly built) Xiao main.

Blake: Wanderer main. I will not elaborate.

Bestie: Yae Miko main because they enjoy thirsting over fictional characters.

Sunshine: Ayaya main who only refers to her as "Ayaya."

Elliott: Ayato main because he likes how well he and Ayaka play together. Switches mains to support Sunshine's.

Starlight: Yanfei main (no idea why tho).

Avior: "This is a what game?"

As per request, I will assign the Redacted cast Honkai Star Rail mains (also because I have been all over this game since release and am therefore most certainly the most qualified person for this job):

Asher: Still waiting for Fu Hua to make an appearance, but he almost cried when he saw Himeko and did cry when he pulled her. The Honkai Impact 3rd vet is now a Himeko main.

Baabe: Herta main because they thought she was cute.

Milo: A Jing Yuan main whose main team is based on follow-up attacks.

Sweetheart: A Welt Yang main who almost threw their phone the first time they saw and recognized him (they, like Asher, are also a Honkai Impact 3rd player).

Angel: Hook main solely to cause chaos.

David: Refuses to play this game, but would likely be a Clara main if he were to play.

Darlin: So far all of their pulls on standard and all their lost 50/50s have resulted in an E3 Gepard, which they've taken as a sign from whatever higher power that they must turn this man into a dps.

Sam: (Actually good at this game btw) has a team full of supports only and mains Asta.

Lovely: Serval main "because she's hot" (Vincent 100% agrees).

Vincent: Has been saving for Kafka since day one, but then Blade came out, and now all his Stellar Jade is gone.

Gavin: Yukong main (I tell you this, as a Yukong main).

Freelancer: Silver Wolf because "Why do the enemies always have the toughness I can't break with my current team?!"

Lasko: Somehow turned March 7th into a possible dps by building her follow-up attacks (also plays the freeze team of Herta/Pela/March/Gepard).

Lasko's Co-worker: Best Bailu build in all of Dahlia because god knows the d.a.m.n. crew doesn't build their healers properly.

Huxley: Bronya, because he likes playing and building supports.

Damien: Seele, because he likes doing big damage.

Kody: A very edgy Dan Heng main.

Elliott: Sushang main because big c-

Sunshine: Yanqing main. Don't ask why. I just feel like it.

Guy: Sampo. No explanation needed, I hope.

Honey: E6 Natasha which was originally built because Guy has no idea how to build healers correctly but after E6, Natasha just became a dps. Guy is scared of their build.

Besite: Qinque main because Bestie and Qinque give off the same vibe.

Blake: An Arlan main because symbolism.

Ollie: Pela main. He somehow knows her full name and how to write it properly.

Mentor: A Tingyun main because they think she's cute.

Aaron & Smartass: Preservation and Destruction path Trailblazer. This was Smartass' idea because they thought it would be funny.

Redacted characters and listeners as pieces of advice I, your residential writer and overthinker, would like to give all of you:

Darlin: If you're going traveling by public transportation or are going anywhere shady, buy all of your drinks on your way in glassware. Don't buy plastic bottles, buy glass. You'll feel a lot safer with a bottle made from glass in your hands when a creep comes talking to you.

David: When you're in a hotel, you can check for one way mirrors by putting your finger on its surface. If there's a little bit of space between your finger and its reflection, then it's a normal mirror. If not and your finger and its reflection are touching, then you should probably leave that hotel and never go there again.

Ollie: Percentages are reversible. 25% of 8 is the same as 8% of 25 (2), 17% of 112 is the same as 112% of 17 (19,04), and so on.

Blake: You can make chloroform by mixing bleach and rubbing alcohol. No I will not tell you any measurements, go figure it out yourself.

Bestie: Chloroform does not work the way it is often portrayed in movies. It will take a good five minutes of inhaling it to pass out. So just use a syringe.

Freelancer: Cuts to the forehead bleed an excessive amount because the face and scalp both have so many blood vessels very close to the skin. So, if you find yourself in a fight and are armed with something sharp, cut your opponent's forehead to (maybe blind them, but mainly to) annoy the hell out of them.

Baabe: You can remove permanent marker from your clothes by using hand sanitizer and from your carpet by using vinegar.

Milo: You can most effectively kick down a door by kicking near its lock (not on it, why would you even do that?) and driving your heel into the door rather than trying to get your whole foot through. You should also really lean into it to get the best results.

Vincent: This differs from individual to individual, but normally a person will starve after about anywhere from 30 to ~50 days. I know, that's a really broad timespan, that's why it's so important that it differs from person to person and why it's so infuriating to make a character starve in a book - it takes so much time to figure out how long this specific person with their specific body type and circumstance will take to die of starvation!

I feel like Baabe/Darlin'/Freelancer/Bestie would never want children (no matter how they'd end up having those children) because all of them had two to six younger siblings and they're fed up with having to care for anything toddler-sized that doesn't have at least Caelum -level intelligence.