School Stuff - Tumblr Posts

I failed my graphic design teacher with this shit

School stuff (CW nudity)

yo torao what u up to these days

i am befome artsrudent sdestroyer of sleep schzdule

There's something wrong with me

So, I guess that I, too, will partake in this great tradition called "Doing a presentation for class about how Nick Carraway was gay for Jay Gatsby".

to be fair in high school when i told someone i loved them i also instantly went to super hell

University life is so goddamn weird because I don't understand anything and the only reaction my teacher had to "I'm going to write a paper about my Immortal" was a genuine "Ok, sounds very interesting."

Etudier

Avant, étudier c’était pour faire briller des étoiles dans les yeux des adultes. C’était pour faire croire que j’étais quelqu’un de bien, de digne d’intérêt. C’était facile, c’était un jeu, je me racontais des histoires, ce en quoi j’excellais, on disait tu iras loin, et j’étais persuadée que c’était vrai. Longtemps, étudier a été une échappatoire, une fierté, un moteur d’ambition, quelque chose que j’aimais.

J’écrivais mes dictées comme des lettres d’amour. Je récitais l’alphabet comme un poème. Etudier valait la peine.

Aujourd’hui, maintenant que je suis adulte (qu’il est laid, ce mot, qu’il est écrasant), étudier est un mot qui me tord le ventre. Ce sont sept lettres comme une menace irrationnelle, sept lettres en moi qui font résonner les pierres. Pour mes études j’ai créé des échos qui font rouler des graviers dans ma gorge et me lacèrent de l’intérieur, l’angoisse en est devenue physique, et moi je suis : incontrôlable. J’ai des coups de sang, des crises de larmes, des rages infantiles. Je me noie entre mes fiches et mes listes interminables.

Il faut croire que même les études réveillent des monstres. Je suis terrifiée : de rater ma vie, de ne rien valoir, de me battre sans savoir pourquoi. Je suis terrifiée de poursuivre dans cette voie et de me rendre compte dans trente ans que ce n’était pas la mienne, que voilà, je me suis trompée, et que j’ai passé toute une vie à satisfaire des désirs qui n’étaient jamais les miens. C’est que je ne suis pas faite pour choisir, je n’ai pas de voie, non ; je suis mouvante et incapable de faire le deuil des possibles.

Je ne sais pas me définir sans ma quête de perfection, mes ambitions démesurées, mes exigences tyranniques. Je ne suis pas : sociable, jolie, intéressante, drôle, désirable. Alors je ne sais pas qui je suis si je ne parviens pas à réussir. C’est tout ce qu’il me reste. Je ne sais rien faire d’autre que cela, répondre à des exigences académiques, rentrer dans la norme, avoir un parcours sans accrocs.

Pour la première fois, étudier n’est pas facile. Peut-être que je n’irai pas si loin. Peut-être a-t-on placé en moi trop d’espoirs, trop d’attentes : des étouffements. J’ai l’impression que je n’ai jamais grandi, que j’ai fait semblant. Comment se faire à l’idée de décevoir ?

Y'all ever open a book on a new subject, read a little bit, and have to put it back so you can process the way in which your mind was just expanded?

temp hiatus!!

probs won’t be posting any real content until january, might try to interact with moots here and there tho

sorry for not posting the october stuff lol, i planned moodboards and little poetry snippets too rip

애기초코토끼실바니안!! 무님 표현이 젤 귀여운걸료..

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my trick for getting through grad school is learning to navigate the quadrants with all their nuances

'the test wasn't that hard'

- a person who cheated off me

Not My Turn to Die | YTTD Fansong | Theme Analysis Essay (Rough Draft)

Have you ever thought about how intense situations, can lead to unforeseen changes? How the desire to survive can lead to harmful tendencies? Or how it could hurt allies?

The song “Not My Turn to Die” by Mcki Robyns-P is about a fictional character called Sou Hiyori, the secondary antagonist, from the Japanese horror game, Your Turn to Die -Death Game by Majority-, by Nankidai.

In the game, you play as Sara, in, as self-explained, a death game by majority. More specifically, by majority vote. The theme of the song, in my opinion, is about the encompassing need to live, that suffocates you and pushes you to do things you hadn’t, or maybe wouldn’t do prior, only for the fact of how it can backfire in the worst of ways. It might not even be worth it in the end.

Around the start, it speaks of how the “odds are going to laugh at me anyway”, and continues to say, “I’ll copy that cruel tone and laugh back in their face”. Mix this with another line a quarter in, which states, “Suffocated by an all engulfing Zero. “So, Sou…” “How far are you willing to go?” When you mix this with the actual context, it provides an incentive for how and why he is. Hiyori Sou, or more accurately, Tsukimi Shin at the time, was brought into a death game. The first trial tends to vary a little, but his was being forced to listen to Sue Miley (the floor master, who’s a doll, or more accurately, a robot with an AI. Note that they’re usually based off real people in-game.) speak in excruciating detail about a simulation conducted by AIs based off the roster of participants. From that, chances of survival were calculated, and Shin was at a very low, 0.0%. This caused a break in his personality, “suffocated by an all engulfing zero”, and in his desire to live, he took the name of someone who was once a friend but someone who he now hates, Sou Hiyori.

Shin Tsukimi is assumed to be a timid person (based off a future interaction with Shin’s AI in Chapter 3, Part One.), while Sou Hiyori (The original will be referred to as Midori) on the other hand is a bit paranoid, and is willing to do just about anything to survive. He has a friendly mask on at first, but he’ll go as far as to manipulate those he cares about to ensure his survival. More specifically, he imitated Midori’s personality, even though it was uncomfortable to deal with before the game.

The next verse continues to say, “Since the fate of this ‘me’ is to get betrayed - Before anyone can, I’ll throw that ‘me’ away! - If the truth is I’m not worth enough to survive - I’ll lie and I’ll lie, till the truth can’t decide what’s right! - Whether or not you hate this me - It’s not my turn to die”.

It’s a bit packed but let me explain.

The first line is about how he doesn’t trust anyone (note that Shin also says something about betrayal in the massacre ending), specifically saying ‘this me’ as if there were other versions, or perhaps facades. It’s possible  that Shin could’ve been betrayed in the simulation, which, “I’ll throw that ‘me’ away” (also an allusion to the 2nd main game where he confesses, "I threw Shin Tsukimi away!!") But note too that he’s especially paranoid around kind people like Sara, who he believes to have an ulterior motive. It’s possible he saw that ‘him’ as weaker, which only strengthens the idea that he shut off any part of him that could’ve lowered his survival chances. Continuing, the line about lying is most likely a reference to the first main game. Or more specifically, before it, where he went through the trouble of hiding certain cards (which technically determine your role). There’s not an exact reason besides ‘playing the cards’ right. In fact, he played it to where Kanna found the Sacrifice. He then traded it for his commoner, before hiding it again, but that could lead to them thinking he’s the sacrifice. …But then he also lied and claims to be the Keymaster. Two very separate roles. (If the keymaster is voted, everyone dies. If the sacrifice is voted, everyone BUT the sacrifice dies, and they can choose one other person to live too. Otherwise, the sacrifice dies as well as the voted. It is possible though that he was just trying to get rid of the sacrifice card while also getting favors where he can, but what had happened was that Sou claimed to be Keymaster, in which Kanna claimed to be the Sage, who can verify that.)

Besides that, though, “whether or not you hate this me”, is because he’s the reason Joe, who had the sacrifice card, who is also Sara’s best friend, died. He also gave a bit of whiplash by a sudden personality change where he ‘snaps’ while accusing Sara. And of course, it’s not his turn to die (despite the fact that people did try,) due to Kai earning two more votes than him. Remember, it’s a death game by majority.

Last but certainly not least, is farther then halfway but certainly not 3/4ths in, is “Gloomy turmoil overflows - Facing my ally who believes her life’s worth Nothing. - “So, Shin…” - “How long until that facade caves in?”… - …The fate of this ‘me’ is to get betrayed - But I still couldn’t throw all the weaknesses away - If the truth is only one us can make it out alive - I’ve lied and I’ve lied, so it’s better to kill me, right? - Because I know you hate this me... - It’s my turn”.

In the second main game, there are four participants to be chosen for the ‘finals’. Keiji, Kanna, Sou, and Nao.

Keiji is the Keymaster. Nao is the Sacrifice. Kanna and Sou are the only commoners, and that means that they are the only ones who can be voted without leading to everyone’s death. There’s a problem here, and it’s deeper than ‘little girl vs adult male’, or ‘emotion vs logic’. Kanna is Sou’s sister. (Asunaro, the organization in charge of the death game, gave consent forms, where "I agree to devote myself to Asunaro for granting my wish." That’s it. No specifications or fine print. His was to meet his sibling.)

Kanna is also Sou’s only ally in a sense. Kanna was the one who stuck by him when everyone else was distrustful of him. Kanna trusted him, and you can only last for so long until a person like that is someone you care deeply for. “But I still couldn’t throw all the  weaknesses away.” Kanna was his weakness, and that conflicted with his need to live. When you want someone else to live too.

He confessed to everything.

“I... rewrote the blackboard... and also... I destroyed my own monitor in the Monitor Room!! I've told you everything! Just like I swore!! So please... save me... Win us an extension, please...!!”

Notice the use of us after he laid himself bare, after he confessed to it all, and then he had genuine trust in Sara to keep them both alive. This is because there was an error. Gashu, the host of the second main game, made a transgression.

"He'd try to kill a "non-candidate"

This is because of the roster of survival rates, Shin pointed out that they said candidates, not participants. That means of the four not listed.

The only one not listed in the final note is Nao, who has the sacrifice. Gashu was the one who tampered with the sacrifice, because "There's someone among us who doesn't have the right to victory... a non-candidate?" Note that the only ones left are the people on the roster. The only one who wasn’t was Nao, and that meant she didn’t have an AI. Therefore, it would mess up their ‘perfect’ simulation, and that was why he’d try to kill her.

..This is all for naught, because the game does not end.

"[4] If there is misconduct during the Main Game, it either proceeds with the transgressor's death, or must be retried 24 hours later!"

He kills himself, and they’re back to square one.

In the game, there are two paths that branch off here. Sou lives or Kanna lives. In the song, Sou is the one to live, and Kanna is the one who dies. The thing is, is that Sou is the one who begs for Sara to vote him, telling Kanna, who was speaking about voting her instead, and that Sou deserved another chance, to shut up. "Sara!! You hated me from deep down, right?! Aren't I awful?!" (from the game) “Because I know you hate this me...” (from the song)

So. Sou, or rather, Shin Tsukimi survived. He did everything in his power to last, to prove the simulation that taunted him wrong. To do so, though, he manipulated and lied. He hurt and he taunted. He changed his name, and he put on a mask. He did it! And for what? He left his past behind, made an ally out of a girl he manipulated and tricked. ..And when it all backfires, the one moment he stops caring about his own, and instead of another.. It didn’t really change anything, did it? He lived.

And to you, reader, I have one final question to leave you with.

Was it worth it? (and who would you choose, but that’s not much of a thinker, and “one final question”. Well it is, but the ‘was it worth it’ is partially to what sou did, as well as “was whatever decision you made in game worth it?” Sou or Kanna. Logic vs Emotion.) honestly this sucks

anyway this was helpful cause im actually writing a shin pov oneshot

introduction to myths and stuff

im so lazy

Google Docs

Introduction to Myths and STuff

An Intro to . . . Myths, Folklore, and Fairytales

The Sun and the Moon (Solar Eclipse - Nature Myth)

im taking a mythology class and one of the things we had to do was make up a myth

here.

The sun and the moon were old friends. (or lovers, who knows?)

And yet the moon felt jealous, because when the sun was out, humans awoke and acted.

When it was out, however, humans would sleep.

But the sun would assure the moon that it was okay, that the dark let them see the stars. Showing their hidden beauty, and that it was quite a sight in itself. After all, people could see the moon quite easily, but the sun's bright light would hurt their eyes.

Basically two sides of a coin, and yet the moon still grew a longing for the sun, often chasing just where they were last and soaking in the former warmth, reminiscent of someone sitting in a chair that was occupied by someone else prior (it would warm with their body heat).

And every while again, the two would compromise. On one day, they would embrace, the sun spooning the moon (the position), and humans would remark on their beauty, both being able to be seen, where their vulnerabilities could be covered by the other.

(Well i know you need like one of solar eclipse glasses but its sweet D:)

look see? the sun is the big spoon (aka the one on the outside, hugging the moon)