Todofam - Tumblr Posts

Shouto: Oh, don’t worry, I’m actually enjoying having divorced parents. You guys spend so much money on me, it’s like you’re competing with each other.

Rei: We’re not competing, Shouto.

Enji: We’re just feeling guilty for fucking up your life.

Rei: And your face.

Shouto: Aaaand suddenly I don’t like this.

“Exhale. Release. Feel it calm down and turn into steam. Let go. Let it go, Touya. Let it dissolve.”

After everything that happened, Enji finally got to teaching Touya how to cool himself down.

Villain: Stand down, hero!

Shouto: Or what?

Villain: Or I’ll subject you to unspeakable horrors!

Shouto: Unspeakable? Haha!

Villain: What’s so funny?!

Shouto: See that scar on my face? My mother did that when I was a kid.

Villain: Um…

Shouto: I’ve sparred Endeavor daily since I was five years old. Not even always with a Quirk, sometimes with a fucking katana.

Villain: …

Shouto: You ever had Endeavor yell at you? While he’s on fire? Have you ever gotten your ass kicked in a sparring fight with the number two pro hero and then gone back to your room to study because you still have a fucking math test tomorrow?

Villain: …

Shouto: Have you ever had your supposedly dead brother come back as a mass murderer and try to incinerate you while your family watched?

Villain: …

Shouto: Have you ever seen your reflection in the eyes of a madman and thought, “This is how I die?”

Villain: …I…

Shouto: Do yourself a favor and get into these handcuffs because I’ve already called for backup, and my dad is on patrol duty today. I’m just telling you for your own good.

Villain: …

Endeavor: Hey!! What are you doing standing next to my son, you punk ass villain?!

Villain: You know what, I’m not dealing with this. Jail, please!

Endeavor: (looking around) I don’t see any ice. How’d you defeat him?!

Shouto: Oh just the good old Todoroki persuasion, you know.

Endeavor: (to the villain) Haha, you poor bitch.

Shouto: Why do you laugh every time my dad and I have a conflict?

Bakugou: I enjoy when someone’s family is more fucked up that mine.

Shouto: …Okay.

Bakugou: I tell my mom about your problems, and we laugh at you.

Shouto: I see.

Bakugou: Your last name should be Todojokei cause you’re a big joke!

Shouto: Dad?

Endeavor: (raises his head from a pile of police forms) Yeah?

Shouto: What’s the appropriate response to this social situation?

Endeavor: Well, if we weren’t Todorokis, I’d say talk to your friend and politely ask him not to make fun of a painful emotional issue. But since we ARE Todorokis…

Shouto: Prominence Burn?

Endeavor: (nodding) Prominence Burn.

Bakugou: AH SHIT FUCK

Endeavor: Take it to the parking lot, Shouto, I’m not vacuuming up ash again!

Little Shouto: (opening the bedroom door in the middle of the night) Mom! Dad!

Rei: We’re sleeping, honey.

Enji: Shouto, if you can’t sleep, go kill something.

Shouto: (closes the door) I’m sorry, sir, you heard my father.

Burglar: (encased in ice, crying) Please, can’t you just call the police?

Shouto: We’re Todorokis, sir, we don’t call the police. Plus, you tried to take my playstation, so I’m really not inclined to be merciful to you right now.

Enji: Shouto, who are you talking to?

Shouto: Oh, just some BITCH.

Me: Why is Natsuo so mean to Enji? He’s trying!

Me when I visit my parents: Shut the fuck up, Dad!

Shouto: Dad, there is a Nomu in our kitchen.

Enji: Yeah, I know.

Shouto: And you’re not gonna do anything?!

Enji: He’s just doing the dishes.

Shouto: WHY?

Enji: Because I’m exhausted! Fuyumi and I work full time, and you boys don’t help around the house at all! Maybe start cleaning up after yourself, and there wouldn’t be a Nomu in the kitchen!

Natsuo: Endeavor, there’s a Nomu in my room.

Enji: Oh my fucking- COPE, YOU SLOB!

After workday

Enji: Fucking villains! 😫

Fuyumi: Fucking students! 😫

Enji: Stupid Hero Public Safety Commission!

Fuyumi: Stupid school administration!

Enji: I’m so tired!

Fuyumi: I am not paid enough for this shit!

Enji: I AM paid enough, and I’m still annoyed!

Shouto: Why are you two yelling?

Enji: We’re bonding.

Natsuo: I hope you burn to death in your own fire.

Enji: Trust me honey, you don’t want that. Seeing your father’s charred corpse is not the experience I would wish on anyone.

Shouto: I’m sorry, what?

Enji: My dad died in his fire cause he couldn’t control his quirk. You knew that, right?

Natsuo: No?!

Enji: I was there when they carried out the body. I was a child.

Natsuo: HOLY…

Shouto: Shit’s starting to make sense now.

Natsuo: Don’t you hate when Dad has feelings like a person?

Dabi: Hey Endeavor, I randomly decided to show up to your house to pick a fight with you.

Endeavor: Not now, Touya.

Dabi: Whadayamean not now?! I’m here. I’m fighting you.

Endeavor: I was hit with a truth-telling quirk. You don’t wanna be here.

Dabi: Oh please. What, are you gonna tell me you’re disappointed?

Endeavor: I AM disappointed!

Dabi: Here we go.

Endeavor: …in myself for not knowing your favorite food!

Dabi: The fuck?

Endeavor: You probably have so little joy in your life, and all I do is make it worse by existing.

Dabi: Shut the-

Endeavor: I know I’m supposed to call the police, but I really don’t want to. I actually rather wish you stayed.

Dabi: THE FUCK?

Endeavor: You look hurt. And hungry. And sleepy. I feel like it’s my duty to correct these things.

Dabi: Oh my god, this quirk is a nightmare.

Endeavor: I know!! I can’t stop!! I already told Hawks I don’t mind him tagging along all the time, and it only got worse from there!

Dabi: Holy shit.

Endeavor: HELP!

Shouto: Dad, we can’t keep him!

Enji: But why? He’s so cute. And he needs help. He won’t hurt anybody.

Shouto: You can’t just pick up any random stray from the street! What if he has rabies?

Enji: That’s no way to talk about your brother.

Touya: Yeah, what the fuck, Shouto?

Enji’s mom: ENJIIIIIIIII

Enji: Oh my god, what?

Enji’s mom: Help me set up my email.

Enji: Okay, but why do you feel the need to yell my name like that?

Enji’s mom: Like what?

Enji: You just yelled my name. I can hear you. You always do this. It’s annoying! I’m right here, no need to yell.

Shouto: Are you, serious, Dad? Are you fucking serious right now?

Enji: What?

Shouto: Oh my god. He’s for real.

Enji: What??

Principal Nezu: I called you here because your son threatened another student.

Endeavor: I see. Shouto, can you tell me what happened?

Shouto: He said, “Does the carpet match the drapes?” and I said, “Does your blood match the pavement, bitchface? Let’s check.”

Endeavor: Okay, so what’s the problem? The pavement wasn’t red? Is “bitchface” the problem?

Principal Nezu: (sigh) What would you have done if someone asked you that question?

Endeavor: (confused) Vanishing Fist, why?

Principal Nezu: May I speak with Shouto’s mother instead?

Endeavor: I tried to get her to show up, but she said, quote (reading from his phone), “This is a school where they teach kids to fuck shit up for a living, why is a threat a fucking problem, call me when he kills someone.”

Principal Nezu: I see it now. The problem is not Shouto.

Endeavor: How the hell did it take you this long to figure that out?

Endeavor: Wanna get a man’s attention? Ignore him.

Endeavor: Works on family too!

Shouto: Dad why aren’t you answering my texts? I thought you died!!

Natsuo: You didn’t react to a single anti-Endeavor meme I sent you, what the fuck?

Dabi: Why didn’t you respond to my exposé?!

Hawks: ENJI!!!!

Endeavor: Oh shit, I overdid it, abort mission, RUN RUN RUN

Shouto: Where do you think you’re going?!

Fuyumi: So why are you grounded?

Natsuo: Well you know how I’m growing up and you said my voice sounded like Dad’s?

Fuyumi: Yeah?

Natsuo: I decided to play a prank and yell “SHOUTOOOO” every so often, and it took Dad and Shouto eight times of Shouto coming to find him to figure out what happened.

Enji: No, Natsuo, that’s not why you’re grounded. The reason is that after all this, you went outside and yelled “Prominence Burn,” and the police had to evacuate the whole neighborhood.

Fuyumi: Natsuo!

Enji: HOW is my son worse than Present Mic?!

Fuyumi: Normally you’re supposed to be careful with creepy guys. Not me though. I just give them my full name and address.

Fuyumi: Go ahead, show up. Make my dad’s day.

Dabi: One more time, what is our plan?

Toga: UGH! I sneak up on Endeavor and drink his blood.

Dabi: To?..

Toga: To turn into him so you can have your little fucked-up therapy session without endangering the PLF.

Dabi: And?..

Toga: I won’t tell Shigaraki or All for One.

🔥🔥🔥

Dabi: You’re back, why aren’t you Endeavor?

Toga: Well first I burned my tongue. Why the fuck wouldn’t you tell me his body temperature is two times normal?!

Dabi: Ah. Sorry.

Toga: Then I was him for five minutes, and I realized something. You’re a total fucking brat.

Dabi: WHAT?

Toga: Yeah. You blame your dad for everything instead of working on yourself. You have great abilities, and you waste them on dumb shit. You’ve hurt your siblings. You’ve disappointed your mother. Even Endeavor has admitted his failings and is working on making things right while you stew in your own delusions! You need to get your act together!!

Dabi: Are you fucking kidding me?! This isn’t what I wanted!

All for One: It’s not? I’m having a blast! Someone slip some popcorn in my oxygen tank!

Shouto: Dad, I have good news.

Endeavor: Let’s assume I believe you.

Shouto: You’re no longer the worst parent in my friend group!

Endeavor: What’s the bad news?

Shouto: My classmate’s parents sold his soul to All for One.

Endeavor: Wow, and he listened to you complain about me the whole year? That must be how Hawks feels when I complain about my parents.

Dabi: You’re just doing what Dad told you.

Shouto: Oh that’s cute. You’re doing what All for One told you, and he doesn’t even pay you.

Dabi: Wait.

Shouto: I’m getting a car as soon as I turn eighteen. What are you getting on your birthday? A rusty knife?

Dabi: I…

Shouto: I am a user on Dad’s debit account. The card is right here in my pocket. It’s fireproof. I could go all out at the mall after I’m done beating your ass. You’re dressed in rags.

Burnin: Actually, we all have benefits at the Endeavor agency. What do you have? The “I’ll possess your body” guarantee?

Jailbreakers: Wait a minute, you guys are getting paid? What the fuck?!

Kido: We have a union too. Do you villains have a union??

Nomu: We’re not even getting fed!

Dabi: Holy shit, guys! We’ve been made! 😨

Onima: Yeah! Seize the means of destruction!

Shouto: I owe Endeavor an apology, this commie shit actually worked. Ha!

Enji: This has gone far enough. You’ve uprooted innocent lives for your selfish goals. What is it that you want, Touya? What will put an end to this??

Touya: I want you to die.

Enji: Okay.

Touya: Wait, what.

Enji: (pulls out a gun) I said okay.

Touya: What are you doing?!

Enji: (presses the barrel to his temple) What you want.

Touya: Endeavor, what the fuck?!!!

Enji: Just gonna press this real quick…

Touya: ENDEAVOR, STOP!!

Enji: Why? This is what you wanted. I’m gonna do it.

Touya: Don’t do it, what the fuck??! Put it down!!

Enji: Turn around and put your hands behind your back.

Touya: OKAY! Jeez!

Enji: You’re going to prison. And then you’re going to therapy. And then you’re going on quirk suppressants. No more of this bullshit, you hear me?!

Touya: (crying) Okay, Dad, just stop!

Enji: (cuffing him) You wanted tough love? I’ll fucking give you tough love, you little fucking punk.

Touya: (sobbing) What’s going on??

Enji: Parenting, you little shit! Get in the prison van!!