TW: Slight Mention Of Self Harm And Drugs

TW: slight mention of self harm and drugs

I'm leaving for a camp for a week, before that I wanted to see my boyfriend because he was in malta last week and we didn't see each other.

So, I met with a friend yesterday and stayed over at her place, we went to the movies today and after that I wanted to visit him.

Even more because he is not doing all that good right now and I'm scared he's gonna do something that will hurt him (drink too much, take drugs and/or self harm).

I was really looking forward to seeing him again and I asked him if he still wanted me to come over and he said yes. I was excited to see him again and had the hope that I could maybe comfort him.

After the movie ended and I checked my phone again, he had messaged me if I still wanted to come at 4 pm half an hour later he texted "I guess not but it's fine"

It didn't seem to be fine to me. I told him that I still.wanted to and could come over now at about 5 pm, but he already went into the city with friends.

Since I am literally in the fu king city center I asked him if wanted me to come there, which he didn't.

I totally respect that, I really do, but now I an even more worried and it kinda hurts, because it is my fault for not communicating better and he thought I didn't want to anymore.

But I really did. I still really do. It just hurts, the way I seem to always destroy everything I have.

Not even intentional, it just happens subconsciously.

I literally started crying in front of the cinema, in front of my friends because I was so devastated. And he's just really not to blame.

I already miss him and I am worried and scared, I hope he takes care of himself and stays safe.

I just feel so empty now, so so empty and everything is dull.

Today is going to be a danger night for me, I have to take care too, I have to stay in control and not do anything stupid.

I had such a great time and now everything is terrible again. But it will get better, I know it will. This is just temporary. Everything is temporary.

But it's still hard, I would really need a support system right now, but I don't have one, haha, great, awesome, just fantastic.

I honestly don't think I can get through the night without a relapse. I'll try but the urge is getting so strong...

There is something beautiful about actually feeling loved.

After talking, after having an actual talk, he told me he loves me, and I could belive it.

It was hard, but I could belive it. And I love him too. More than I want to. More than he knows.

I won't get addicted to him. I won't make him my whole world because I shouldn't. Because it is bad. Because it is sick and because it hurts both of us. Not just me, and I want to keep him safe. Even if it is from me.

I'm also learning to understand him. I am learning to understand the way he acts. Why he does or doesn't do things.

It's beautiful, this slowly building connection.

Tw: slight mention of sa and sh

How often do I have to say no until you accept it?? How fucking often? Because I said it so many times, stop it. No. No. Nonononono. Why do you keep going? Why can't you just leave me alone? I am just trying to exist!

Why is it so terrible hard to just exist? Why is always everyone trying to make it so much worse? I just want to relapse. I just want to cut myself open. I want to see the blood. I want to feel the pain. I just want to stop thinking.

Is it so bad? Is it so bad that I am trying to survive? To shut my brain up? Is it so bad that I am not able to stop?

Did you know that you can hold someone like your life depends on it to make sure they don’t leave and you can say sorry a million times for nothing and some people will just let you do it?? And some people will even pretend like it didn’t happen for your sake until you need to do it again??

Tw: slight mention of sh

I feel so gross.

I'm trying to not relapse and bring myself to feel something and I am just texting with this guy and he wanted like, a picture, and I was like, alright and he was like,

You are covered in cuts

Well, yeah, you didn't have to tell me, I already know, but thanks for bringing it up??

Now I feel disgusting because of my scars and because I sent a pic in the first place, yay!!

I am still waiting for something..?

For him to text me and tell me something. For him to tell me anything. For him to just say random incoherent words.

I just wish I wouldn't still state at our chat waiting for him to massage me. My beautiful boyfriend, to say anything at all to me.