Me Normally Watching A YouTube Video: :)

Me normally watching a YouTube video: :)

The video being about someone with my deadname: what the fuckk??? ○_○

Tw: sh and suicide

I'm gonna fucking cry. I am so sad and lonely and alone and hormonal.

I don't want to exist anymoreeeee.

I miss feeling whole. I miss sleeping. I miss everything.

Why do I feel so empty? Why do I need to cut myself open to feel whole? Why? WHYY?

Sometimes I forget that I am a whole person. Like, with feelings and experiences.

I don't have to feel only one thing at a time. I am a complex person and I can feel as much and as deeply as I can.

I think being held and comforted while I cry in their arms and they whisper sweet things into my ear would safe me.

Just the two of us, existing and feeling and letting it all go and being warm and not happy, not even okay, but better.

I just really need something to hold onto while I let go completely.

I hate when my mum touches me even tho I already told her no.

Not in a weird sexual way, just in a I've already told her not to hug me way and she still does it.

I told her no over and over again and she still grabs me and hugs me and is awfully close to me.

I tell her my boundaries and she's like, oh, these are worthless.

Fuck this. Why can't she respect them??

Tw: ed

Why do most of my friends have eating disorders??? And why am I falling back into mineee?

Seeing myself is making me nauseous and I am getting bigger and bigger by the day.

I thought I really beat it. I was doing so great and accepted my body as it is but now I can't anymore.

There is so much fat. I am just fat. So big. So much. I have to get smaller again.

I try so hard not to throw up after I've eaten. I try so hard to eat normal portions. But I see myself replacing food with water and clenching cravings with ice cubes again.

Chewing gum is keeping my mouth occupied while I try and eat something else.

It's getting harder again. And I think I kind of want to be consumed by it.