Me Normally Watching A YouTube Video: :)

Me normally watching a YouTube video: :)

The video being about someone with my deadname: what the fuckk??? ○_○

Tw: ed

Why do most of my friends have eating disorders??? And why am I falling back into mineee?

Seeing myself is making me nauseous and I am getting bigger and bigger by the day.

I thought I really beat it. I was doing so great and accepted my body as it is but now I can't anymore.

There is so much fat. I am just fat. So big. So much. I have to get smaller again.

I try so hard not to throw up after I've eaten. I try so hard to eat normal portions. But I see myself replacing food with water and clenching cravings with ice cubes again.

Chewing gum is keeping my mouth occupied while I try and eat something else.

It's getting harder again. And I think I kind of want to be consumed by it.

i hate having rejection sensitive dysphoria, it makes me so stressed to the point where i make myself sick :/ it’s hard for me to self soothe, and i don’t like bothering other people with stuff like this, so i usually just deal with it, but it’s so stressful

Tw: sh

Was just thinking about cutting open my chest and stomach and seeing the blood run out of me.

Really wanted to do it but I know taht I shouldn't so I tried finding reasons not to.

I couldn't find anything and cried into my hoodie and then BAM!

I remembered that I was wearing his t-shirt and it still smells like him and I just cuddled into it and cried and tried to calm myself.

It kinda worked, I didn't relapse yet

I want to fall asleep while we are on a call.

He is still up and playing video games and I am slowly drifting off while listening to him.

Maybe I am in half sleep when he decides to also go to bed and tells me goodnight love and hangs up while I smile and fall completely asleep again.

I want to feast on the flesh of my enemies.