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I be like “goodnight” then stay up for 2 extra hours

Wendy Cope, From June to December: Summer Villanelle

TW: ED mentions and self loathing

I starve myself as a form of invisible self harm so that way I can get the satisfaction of hurting myself while also achieving weight loss. I am not comfortable in the shell I occupy and and damaging my body brings comfort.

Unable to survive in peace because chaos is all I know. I want someone to notice and ask about how am I but I also don't wanna answer judgements. And I do not wanna annoy people, they have better things to do.

So I rot in my bed endlessly while I scroll Pinterest looking at bodies and faces I wish I had.

He must have seen our souls and thought let's intwine their fates. He must have us together and thought let's rewrite their fates. They must have seen us apart and thought let's fill them with spite and hate.

We may be apart my love but I could never hate you, at least not when you were mine.

How did I not see it before? Under that sweet venomous words, those lying eyes and cheating smile. How could I not see it before? The way you watched her, called her beautiful. You wanted everyone but me. How did I not see it before? You never wanted me, you just liked the idea of me.

— A. Y.

Poetry

I loved you to the brink of poetry.

Insignificant words written on the torn pieces of my confessions.

I have lost the coherency of time and I seek out the cogs to wind us back.

My words don't make sense...but if it had was it even worthy of being called love....or better, poetry.

Like a raving lunatic I write day and day but these sentences flow out in a cacophony I do not understand nor that I care

The candle light illuminates my yearning in the old attic where the memories are safeguarded.

Everyday I wait is a day I lose myself

I love you too much

I love you to the point of senseless paragraphs

I love you to the point of poetry

Paint me like a renaissance art 🎨

Drunk

She left. She fucking left.

Now I'm with a stranger, we're both hurt. We all look for the same thing. Love. I can't hear the music. It's too loud. It's too loud. Nothing makes sense. I'm holding him but I see you. Hold me. Hold me. We're kissing but we wish to taste someone else. Come back. Please.

He's taking me somewhere, I follow. We're stripping down our clothes and I feel hollow. I wish it was you. Skin on skin, body to body yet I feel numb.

Nothing makes sense, the night repeats over again the next day. No one can replace you.

You left.

Maybe I should too..

Sometimes I'm a raging homosexual, then sometimes a quiet lil straight girl

We were talking about what we both like. There was little in common but we both liked cuddles and kisses. I asked if we could hold hands, you said no. I said please, you said no. Little did you know, my heart broke a little.

Sometimes they don’t love you, they just love the way you love them.

website

TW//: MENTIONS OF SELF HARM, EATING DISORDER AND SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR

Red

Love is red. Blood is red. Eyes are red. The world is red. Forever is a theory. The world is a mess but so are we. We bleed everyday, for money, for family, for debt, for love.

Love. The most cruel of them all. The sweetest poison. It is better to be alone than to have loved at all.

I bled for it. I cut myself to fit in. Piece by piece. Slash by slash. I felt prettier.

I starved for it. To look beautiful. Day by day. Plate by plate. I felt prettier.

I criticized for it. To do better. Word by word. Hate by hate. I felt pathetic.

Stupid. Ugly. Pathetic. Fat.

I called myself with such love. A slash for each word. Engraved into flesh. The floor is red. My arms are red. The water is red.

Why? It looks so pretty. Red. Red. Red. I love red. You are red. I love you.

The world spins as I lay on the grass. The grass is red.

Red. Red. Red.

Think about me

Please think about me. When you stare at her, please think about me. Think about me like I think of you. Why can't you love me like I do you? Or perhaps you don't love at all. Maybe I'm the idiot that's trying. But I have one request.

Please think about me. When you say forever, please think about me. Think of the bleeding truth. Forever does not mean a week. Or maybe it is my heart that is weak. Or that I care too much. I am trying to grow a flower without water in a dessert.

Please think about me. When you lust for them. I am human too, and maybe somewhere you are too. I should but I can't. I know but I ignore.

I should think about me.

We think of love as a soft caress, a soft whisper, a warm hug on a rainy day. Love is anything but. It is violent and red. It is angry and black. It hurts. It breaks. Love is blue with loneliness and green with envy. It is yellow with happiness and purple with bruises. It is orange like a fleeting sunset. Love is carnal. It's forever and a moment. Love hurts. Love breaks. Love saves. Love creates.

The Painting

"I love you, you weirdo"

I looked with love as I told you. In a world of grays, you were my pallette of paint. Your stupid habits. Your weird jokes. I loved all of it. I was an empty canvas and I let you paint me. You kicked my easel without a care.

I watched as you continued on. You didn't say it. You didn't say it back. I felt embarrassed. I turn red. My canvas of blood, anger and hatred. I turn green. I turn blue. I turn purple. I paint myself of you. Your truth.

Tired. Tired. Tired. Third time's a charm. I laugh. Humourless. I paint myself over you. Slowly. Slowly. Slowly. A new story.

I paint myself of me. My truth. I turn pink. I turn white. I turn turquoise. I am colour. I am blank.

I am me.

My truth.

My painting

I paint myself of me.

We think of love as a soft caress, a soft whisper, a warm hug on a rainy day. Love is anything but. It is violent and red. It is angry and black. It hurts. It breaks. Love is blue with loneliness and green with envy. It is yellow with happiness and purple with bruises. It is orange like a fleeting sunset. Love is carnal. It's forever and a moment. Love hurts. Love breaks. Love saves. Love creates.

"I love you" but we're supposed to be friends. You touch me. I soar. "I love you" but you don't feel it. So beautiful. Your hair in my face. I love you a little too much. I can't take it. I kissed you.

Now we're both looking, you can see me. "I love you" I say. You stare and stare. I step back but I feel you. Your hand on my cheek. We kissed and kissed.

"I love you" we both say.

Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me.

I stare at your lips, so beautiful. Full of lies yet I love you. I see you. Looking at her. I am blind. Blinded by love.

Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me.

A fleeting moment

Is this all it was?

A temporary fleeting moment.

You were my story, but I wasn't yours,

Why did you approach that day?

Why did you come if it wasn't for forever,

My love,

You were my forever but I wasn't yours.

Silly me...

I forgot how you were.

A cruel joke of the fates

Is this all it was?

A temporary fleeting moment.

JUNGKOOK for VOGUE KOREA