3am Thoughts - Tumblr Posts

The moon is loved in every phase

But what about the dark rainy clouds that threaten the warmth of our sun?

Will the clouds get love as well?

There is one aspect of my body that I hate, which others might find weird

I have no scars

For every wound that has been inflicted upon me

I hold no evidence for the battles I've fought

For the abuse that happened behined closed curtains

One might want to have no memories of their dark times

But how else am I supposed to know if the events were true

My heart may want to forget everything but my mind yearns

It yearns for the recognition of the past

It yearns to tell people about my scars

Yet the scars heal

They heal all the time

And without any scars I tend to forget what has happened

My flesh and bones move on while my thoughts are still stuck

Everyting around me dissapears without farewell

Is the mind too slow or has the body rushed too quickly?

There is one aspect of my body that I hate, which others might find weird

I have no scars

For every wound that has been inflicted upon me

I hold no evidence for the battles I've fought

For the abuse that happened behined closed curtains

One might want to have no memories of their dark times

But how else am I supposed to know if the events were true

My heart may want to forget everything but my mind yearns

It yearns for the recognition of the past

It yearns to tell people about my scars

Yet the scars heal

They heal all the time

And without any scars I tend to forget what has happened

My flesh and bones move on while my thoughts are still stuck

Everyting around me dissapears without farewell

Is the mind too slow or has the body rushed too quickly?

There is one aspect of my body that I hate, which others might find weird

I have no scars

For every wound that has been inflicted upon me

I hold no evidence for the battles I've fought

For the abuse that happened behined closed curtains

One might want to have no memories of their dark times

But how else am I supposed to know if the events were true

My heart may want to forget everything but my mind yearns

It yearns for the recognition of the past

It yearns to tell people about my scars

Yet the scars heal

They heal all the time

And without any scars I tend to forget what has happened

My flesh and bones move on while my thoughts are still stuck

Everyting around me dissapears without farewell

Is the mind too slow or has the body rushed too quickly?

I'll always be connected without wifi

Because nobody thinks it's worth some little money for the wifi to reach the highest floors

Because nobody thinks it's wort a little money to buy an extender

So they use their own data instead

Ignoring their wifi connection

I wonder why I have such a bad wifi connection in my room?

I'll always be connected without wifi

Because nobody thinks it's worth some little money for the wifi to reach the highest floors

Because nobody thinks it's wort a little money to buy an extender

So they use their own data instead

Ignoring their wifi connection

I wonder why I have such a bad wifi connection in my room?

I'll always be connected without wifi

Because nobody thinks it's worth some little money for the wifi to reach the highest floors

Because nobody thinks it's wort a little money to buy an extender

So they use their own data instead

Ignoring their wifi connection

I wonder why I have such a bad wifi connection in my room?

I'll always be connected without wifi

Because nobody thinks it's worth some little money for the wifi to reach the highest floors

Because nobody thinks it's wort a little money to buy an extender

So they use their own data instead

Ignoring their wifi connection

I wonder why I have such a bad wifi connection in my room?

I hate myself for laughing at the deceitful mockery of others

It's not that I find it funny

I am disgusted beyond measure

But still I always tend to laugh

I laugh at other the way I experienced it myself

Am I not repeating what others did to me?

Am I not throwing the same knives that have left me scarring?

Or am I imagining my disgust, actually finding the misery of another delightful?

I hate myself for laughing at the deceitful mockery of others

It's not that I find it funny

I am disgusted beyond measure

But still I always tend to laugh

I laugh at other the way I experienced it myself

Am I not repeating what others did to me?

Am I not throwing the same knives that have left me scarring?

Or am I imagining my disgust, actually finding the misery of another delightful?

I hate myself for laughing at the deceitful mockery of others

It's not that I find it funny

I am disgusted beyond measure

But still I always tend to laugh

I laugh at other the way I experienced it myself

Am I not repeating what others did to me?

Am I not throwing the same knives that have left me scarring?

Or am I imagining my disgust, actually finding the misery of another delightful?

Once he was ready rei leand in and touched his lips to kai's softly

Then he pulled back fast when the other boy stirred and opened his eyes

"I'm not asleep you know" and rei felt his face heat up "I-I know I was just um-"

"Just say you want to kiss me "Kai said that then pulled rei and crashed their lips together

Rei felt his heart skip a beat and light headed but after a moment melted into the kiss and pushed back against the other In search for more of his lips.

Kai smiled into the kiss when rei kissed him back ,when they parted the Chinese blader was breathing heavily while Kai did not look that affected other than how his pink eyes were glowing brightly , rei couldn't bring himself to look away from the other boy "y-your eyes they're glowing"he said mesmerized then reached out his hand and cupped his face in his palm and stared deep into the lights that seemed to be dancing in the pink they were truly beautiful "am I feaking you out rei? Are you finally afraid of me " Kai whispered softly not braking eye contact with the yellow eyes

Rei looked at him then he roamed his eyes around the other's face then settled back onto his eyes "never" was all he said before softly pressing their lips together for another long soft kiss when he pulled back he said "there is no way that you could ever make me afraid of you , you're not getting rid of me that easily " kai's eyes widened a little then softened and he chuckled "wouldn't even dream of that " then he leand his head on the black haired boy's shoulder and with a murmur that rei could barely hear "don't , please don't let me drag you down with me "

Rei looked at the other then wrapped his arms around him"I would gladly go wherever you go " he said back then he felt Kai sigh then shake his head "no , it's not what you think rei, I'll break you, and it's sooner than what we both want it to be " Kai then clinged to his shirt "what do you mean? Kai? What is it?" He gently pushed Kai back to face him "tell me what's wrong "

But Kai was refusing to look at him now turning his gaze away "please"rei added then the Russian looked at him then he opened his mouth and closed it "I_ rei ... I " Kai tried talking then stopped and looked to the side again "Kai please just tell me I promise I can take it " he put his hand on kai's face and turned it towards him "can you? " Kai said but he sounded in pain like what he's thinking of is hard to say "yes" said rei still holding the other's face in his hands

"I'm dying" the Russian closed his eyes as he said that "what!! " Rei was shocked to say the least suddenly all that was happening made sense why Kai was constantly tired why he stopped acting normal why sometimes seemed paler than usual why he more than once woke up to the other vomiting in the joind bathroom why he hade those fainting episodes and lost his vision gradually

"Yes , I knew a while ago but I can't hide it anymore " Kai said and tried to pull away from rei but instead rei pulled him to his chest and said " look I

I'm sorry I love you but I'd much Rathar have something than nothing so don't try to leave me I want to spend whatever days we have left by your side and with you so please Kai let me have this otherwise you will really break me " he said in a rush and tightened his arms around the other he felt tears run down his face *god please don't take him away please * he thought as he buried his face in kai's shoulder Kai stayed silent for a while but the softly added "I love you too " and hugged the Chinese blader back

-so basically I don't know where this came from or why but I wrote it at 3am and now I want the beyfandom to suffer with me

Is it just me who feels like I look different when I look in different mirrors. For example, in my bedroom my skin looks more bumpy but in my bathroom my skin looks clearer. Idk why this happens- my guess is the lighting and angle. Also my body looks different in different mirrors. I’ll be looking snatched in my bedroom mirror but not in my bathroom mirror??? Sorry this is kind of a shitpost.

Confession: I haven't been doing much on the art front since last year. Got into the holiday spirit and my art nook became a nook for gifts, packaging from said gifts, snacks, etc. and then after December was over I got stuck in that post-holiday rut so some stuff I wanted to do for the new year just didn't materialise. (I actually only got the art nook back to a normal, and importantly clean spot to do things.) Hope to get back on track soon.

So my plan for this year was to try and do one big project each month or a bunch of smaller projects each month so I was always at least working on something. January has come and gone and I have nothing on the visual art front to show off (haaaaa) so I'm not off to a great start. I've been dealing with some work scheduling stuff which actually gives me more time to do whatever but i haven't been using my time effectively, which sucks but that's my own thing to deal with.

On a lighter note I haven't been doing nothing at all per se, I got a bluetooth keyboard and have been organizing my google docs, and from there I've been going over my old stuff and making plans/notes. Most of my old writing from my 'peak' era (i.e. high school) is unfortunately gone but I do have a few things here and there from when I was just trying google docs out at the time it came out so I have some examples of my writing level from back then to look back fondly on. I also have some small, unfinished documents from the interim between there and now that i punched out on my cell phone (i realised after seeing a post here talking about young people not knowing how to use a pc that I haven't had one for over a decade, back then i was still playing World of Warcraft) and got annoyed with since my skills have, imo, severely deteriorated.

The other day I was looking over them and was like "hey, you know what, these aren't bad" so now I'm making notes on stories I've been wanting to write, so I'm feeling a bit better about not doing anything for two months. I still want to keep doing visual stuff; I really like painting with acrylics and I think if I could get over my annoyance with my sketching skills and inking there's a comic idea I wouldn't mind dinking around with. I've really missed writing though, so I'd like to get back into it as well.

I've been keeping a personal journal since lockdown or so that I wanted to update frequently but ended up coming back to only once every couple of months (and jfc even though I feel I went through the primary lockdown period fine enough being an interoverted person the way I was writing at the time was so...closed?). I'm still only popping into it infrequently something that I like in doing it is remembering how much I loved blogging back in the LiveJournal days and I kind of want to get into it again? It would be a great opportunity to make my writing more snappy and vivacious (if that's even the right word). My two issues, however, are where to do it if I do it publicly (idk if I'd want to do it on here, a blogging specific site, or something else) and what to do it about. I don't find myself to be particularly interesting, and I don't like to talk about myself or my personal interests in a public sphere beyond banal, neutral statements (I am a dedicated lurker). Opinion pieces/reviews would be interesting for me as I feel like my reluctance to get into things has kind of stagnated my brain a bit, if that makes sense. Like I just like things, I have difficulty explaining why I like them, or if I'm watching something that has a lot of symbolism and so on I could not be counted on at my current capacity to write out a theory of some kind.

Doing it outside of the larger userbase websites like this one would probably be a safer option as I've been limiting my social media presence the last few weeks (read: I'm gauging if I'm capable of staying away from X/Twitter) and can probably be more candid without a random person coming across me posting something unserious and taking it the wrong way (I mean this as in I do get hyperbolic for jokes and X/Twitter has way too many people who will fight you as if you were dead serious). I'm really undecided, though? I'm torn between wanting to put myself out there and actually putting myself out there. Obviously, I can just keep things to myself and get another pseudonym, but do I want to?

I'm half asleep and read that as 'life is a tomato and I'm just a cow being spun around in cinematic valve'

maybe you weren’t unlovable maybe you were just 15

he has a crush on me but he has a girlfriend talk about a red flag

" We both know that we were so fucking doomed by the narrative yet we acted like the most blissful beings to ever exist."

Look man, I KNOW classical composer Tumblr exists because those classical composer memes have to be coming from somewhere. But how on earth do I hop on it!? Is it like one of those moving elevators, where you have to step on quickly and hope you come out!? To me it's like the backrooms or something. Do you have to type in some sorta key, is it going to ask me to match these concertos by key signature to delve inside the secret catacombs of classical composer-blr? Will there be a 7 dwarves mining cart roller coaster waiting there except instead of the dwarves its the ducking CLASSICAL COMPOSERS!? What, do I gotta send pictures of my violin-ridden hands as proof, do I gotta submit cat boy Mozart fanart/fics,

CLASSICAL COMPOSER BLR WHERE ARE YOU HIDING!?

(I'm currently on amrev/frevblr seriously send help)

omg omg wait i was looking through all the yukichi panels i keep and stare at every three weeks and found this

we're seeing this right? he's clearly denouncing the new wealth but it also carries the implication that he's an old wealth type guy despite the fact that he seems to come from a relatively less fortunate background BUT idk the way he talks abt it with such disdain and coupled with the clothes he wears... does yukichi represent the old wealth and mori represent the new wealth? not much is known abt mori but idk I don't see him as someone with a very well off start to life. and again all this is contrasted over and over again by the fact that yukichi canonically lives a frugal life, where mori is mori and is seen going out shopping for elise and to be quite frank though he doesn't spend money like its water he DOES spend it. asagiri is probably playing on the the ppl who are old money usually aren't that obvious w it and the ppl who are new money are very obvious with it, as seen by mori AND Fitzgerald... old yukichi new mori parallels hehe im totally normal about yukichi mhm i dont spend at least three (read. 10) minutes a day thinking abt him...