A Snapshot

A Snapshot

He was furious that there are few pictures of us over the years.

I tried to explain to him that I really hate looking at myself - that it wasn’t about him, it was self-loathing.  

This wasn’t a lie.  There’s probably a good 10 year period where I can count on one hand how many pictures of myself I took. Thankfully I have a friend who photo-documents quite literally everything we’ve ever done, otherwise there would be no evidence of my existence those years.

He stated that I was “making excuses” and that this was further evidence that I didn’t love him and was never invested in our relationship.

He’s still on about it.  I have a text from him in March lamenting it.

Inglorious Bastard

In the early years of our cohabitation a movie I wanted to see was in theatres.  We had plans to see it, but life had prevented us from going for a few weeks.  

Finally, a weekend came where we were free and I suggested we go.  He told me he’d “already downloaded it” and “didn’t like it very much.”  I was hurt because it was supposed to be a date, and he’d known how much I was looking forward to it.

I was hurt more when I was sorting through his laundry  like a good wifey and found that he was stupid enough to leave the ticket stub in his pants pocket.

I confronted him about his lie.  He clearly couldn’t explain it away, so he told me that he went alone. I tilted my head and told him that I was pretty sure he went with his ex girlfriend *.  He admitted it defiantly.

I was upset. 

He told me he lied to me because he knew I wouldn’t take it well and he should be able to see a movie with whomever he likes.  If I were a more reasonable person, he wouldn’t need to lie to me.

Free

My age also may be a factor, but I feel that the more secrets I let go of and tell the fewer fucks I have to give.

With every day that passes, I am so much more awake and aware of the horrible HORRIBLE things he did to me.

Kettle meet Teapot

He was a cheater too.  I don’t think I ever mentioned that.

Funny enough, neither did he. 

No joy.

I'm A Song of Ice and Fire fan and he and I watched GOT together. I thought it was because he wanted to keep something exclusively for us; untainted by others and something we could bond over. In retrospect, he probabaly just wanted to be able to ask questions so he'd know what was happening.

I was so excited he actually cared about something I liked that I used to sort of gush and share theories I'd heard or thought of. This was short lived. He responded that he didn't think about the show after turning it off. He also told me that I was wasting my limited brain power on something stupid and should be focusing on important things. Like making more money.

On it's own, this isn't horrible, but it does speak to his lack of interest or respect for the things that made me happy. It also made me feel sad and ashamed.

He never let me me enjoy anything. I still get embarrassed when I get too excited about something.