Inglorious Bastard

Inglorious Bastard

In the early years of our cohabitation a movie I wanted to see was in theatres.  We had plans to see it, but life had prevented us from going for a few weeks.  

Finally, a weekend came where we were free and I suggested we go.  He told me he’d “already downloaded it” and “didn’t like it very much.”  I was hurt because it was supposed to be a date, and he’d known how much I was looking forward to it.

I was hurt more when I was sorting through his laundry  like a good wifey and found that he was stupid enough to leave the ticket stub in his pants pocket.

I confronted him about his lie.  He clearly couldn’t explain it away, so he told me that he went alone. I tilted my head and told him that I was pretty sure he went with his ex girlfriend *.  He admitted it defiantly.

I was upset. 

He told me he lied to me because he knew I wouldn’t take it well and he should be able to see a movie with whomever he likes.  If I were a more reasonable person, he wouldn’t need to lie to me.

She’s dating someone else.  It’s Facebook Offish.

I’m not heartbroken, but I’ve been annoyed about it for about 15 minutes. 

If there is one positive thing I can say about leaving a totally horrible relationship it would be that it puts other things like this into perspective. 

One day I will find a good one. And then I will chase them away with my crazy.

... as skinny feels.

TW - ED, self harm 

I’ve had part of this drafted since I wrote part one.  I’ve come to the conclusion  this left more scars than I was inclined to admit.

Quick catch up: He exacerbated an already problematic cognitive pathway in my brain and exploited it to manipulate me.  In short (and very simplified): Bad Thing Happened means Pain = penance = possible redemption.

So I found interesting ways to punish myself that wouldn’t raise flags.  Severely limiting my calorie intake was perfect: it made him shame me less and caused discomfort to punish myself for things that I was doing at the time (ie, cheating)

I am still struggling with the idea that I had an eating disorder;  the narratives I’ve read don’t appear to apply to me. But some things definitely match.  I have some form of dysmorphia, for example.  I have never been diagnosed.  But I can’t look at pictures of myself without cringing, and my self body image is definitely distorted.  

I got very thin. I dropped down to a point that was unhealthy. I never weighed myself because I didn’t have a scale.  But things stuck out.  Yet still, I felt there were things that required shaving off.

He loved me that thin.  Couldn’t get enough of me. But he wasn’t the only one.

I never received so many compliments as I did when I was literally in the throws of some of the most self destructive shit I’ve ever done.  For months, my daily intake was 500 calories a day or less . I went a few whole days without eating anything and was so proud of myself when I got into bed those nights.

The whole experience was extremely disturbing looking back on it.  I refused to eat outside of 11am and 3pm.  I was obsessed with food - I still know the calories in almost everything I eat. And if I don’t, I still check. My muscles always hurt. I was always cold, sometimes shaking, and always thinking about the next meal.  I got dizzy easily, and giddy delirious.  In my head, these side effects were great - a free high.

I don’t know why I stopped, but it was always temporary in my head. I felt like if I just reached the sweet spot with a perfect 6 pack that he would be nicer.  That he would treat me like he loved me.

After he had kicked me out and I had commenced with therapy I told him that I talked to my therapist about it.  He told me two things that night: 

That I made him look really bad because he didn’t notice that his spouse was struggling with an eating disorder, and, a few hours later 

that he and I always ate dinner together (lie, he was on afternoons and had dinner when he got home at 11pm or midnight, see the Hours of Acceptable Eating above) and I always eat a lot.  So this was a figment of my imagination and I was a liar.

Not only did it never happen, I took the opportunity to, once again, smear his character.  That night ended in violence.

Some people are so good at putting impossible things into words.

- from Rose Colored Glasses, Chloe Dykstra’s powerful piece about her hellish emotionally abusive relationship with Chris Hardwick

Hey, I just wanted to say that your blog really gave me new hope and you’re such a strong and inspiring person. I „just“ suffered emotional abuse, so I cannot even imagine the hell you went through, but I’m glad you made it! Have a nice day :)

Hello there! Sorry for the delayed response. I can get overwhelmed by nice gestures and be at a loss for a response. Thank you for reaching out - it’s not always easy. I’m sorry you connect with anything in my blog, but I’m glad if you’ve found it helpful in any way.

Thank you for the compliments. I don’t always feel strong, and I certainly didn’t at the beginning. There are days where…well there are still some really bad days. Healing and recovery are gradual and you can’t rush them. You are strong too, it’s inside of you. You may only see it when you look back weeks/months/ years from now. But I promise that you are.

Sorry, I’m exhausted and rambling. Feel free to reach out any time.

How much money do you have saved?

The most anxiety inducing question he asked.  Now a trigger.

Hard to save when blowing it all on him.  When I estimated how much I spent monthly on him, he denied it.  I would provide receipts, he would deny their validity.  Then he would deny that my ‘generosity’ was a ‘requirement’ for reconciliation.  

But that was the point.  I was set up for failure - to be a self fulfilling prophesy. And he could deny his hand in any of it. 

Ultimately it was me taking more control of my finances that caused him to push me away in October. That gave me the opportunity to wake up.

So the answer to that question?  I’ve exceeded the goals he set out for me, but he’ll never get to know that.  Furthermore I have my own goals now, and he’ll never get to be a part of that either.