Dysmorphia - Tumblr Posts

... as skinny feels.

TW - ED, self harm 

I’ve had part of this drafted since I wrote part one.  I’ve come to the conclusion  this left more scars than I was inclined to admit.

Quick catch up: He exacerbated an already problematic cognitive pathway in my brain and exploited it to manipulate me.  In short (and very simplified): Bad Thing Happened means Pain = penance = possible redemption.

So I found interesting ways to punish myself that wouldn’t raise flags.  Severely limiting my calorie intake was perfect: it made him shame me less and caused discomfort to punish myself for things that I was doing at the time (ie, cheating)

I am still struggling with the idea that I had an eating disorder;  the narratives I’ve read don’t appear to apply to me. But some things definitely match.  I have some form of dysmorphia, for example.  I have never been diagnosed.  But I can’t look at pictures of myself without cringing, and my self body image is definitely distorted.  

I got very thin. I dropped down to a point that was unhealthy. I never weighed myself because I didn’t have a scale.  But things stuck out.  Yet still, I felt there were things that required shaving off.

He loved me that thin.  Couldn’t get enough of me. But he wasn’t the only one.

I never received so many compliments as I did when I was literally in the throws of some of the most self destructive shit I’ve ever done.  For months, my daily intake was 500 calories a day or less . I went a few whole days without eating anything and was so proud of myself when I got into bed those nights.

The whole experience was extremely disturbing looking back on it.  I refused to eat outside of 11am and 3pm.  I was obsessed with food - I still know the calories in almost everything I eat. And if I don’t, I still check. My muscles always hurt. I was always cold, sometimes shaking, and always thinking about the next meal.  I got dizzy easily, and giddy delirious.  In my head, these side effects were great - a free high.

I don’t know why I stopped, but it was always temporary in my head. I felt like if I just reached the sweet spot with a perfect 6 pack that he would be nicer.  That he would treat me like he loved me.

After he had kicked me out and I had commenced with therapy I told him that I talked to my therapist about it.  He told me two things that night: 

That I made him look really bad because he didn’t notice that his spouse was struggling with an eating disorder, and, a few hours later 

that he and I always ate dinner together (lie, he was on afternoons and had dinner when he got home at 11pm or midnight, see the Hours of Acceptable Eating above) and I always eat a lot.  So this was a figment of my imagination and I was a liar.

Not only did it never happen, I took the opportunity to, once again, smear his character.  That night ended in violence.

Self Portrait #asketch #dibujo #digital #dysmorphia kinda look like me #diles #dilesquedijealgo