No Joy 2

No Joy 2

He stole even the simplest joys. This is so trivial, but when I'm sitting in the passenger side of a car, I like to have my hand out of the window. The wind against my skin feels nice.

He often closed my window on me because he didn't like it. Claimed it blocked his rearview mirror on the passenger side.

In actuality it was because I enjoyed it. And he couldn't have that.

So. He's here, and I have to get up to work and eat meals.

I am stuck with this for a bit. And I'm making myself believe I don't care. Just like I used to.

It's fine.

Happy Friday.

I have a migraine and my pervert uncle is here. I also haven’t eaten since 11am, but there is no way im leaving this room.

This is far too positive for how I'm feeling today but I like it anyway.

The last time.

The last time he and I spoke I told him about the brother in law of one of my close friends.  He was in the hospital with sepsis and it was not looking good.  I told him how I felt terrible for my friend and her husband, and how I wish there was something I could do to comfort them.

He asked me why I was bothered. He said I never cared about his struggles or his burdens, so why was I taking this personally?  Furthermore, he told me that I was messed up enough myself that I didn’t have time or energy to worry about anyone else.

My friend’s brother in law subsequently died.

Flashback

He tried to push me out of his car while driving 80 km an hour.

He was cruel and I was crying. I had put my face out the window into the night air to try to stop crying and feel better.

In one smooth motion he undid my seatbelt and grabbed my door handle.

Had I not shifted suddenly at his abrupt undoing of my seatbelt his hand may never have slipped off the door handle preventing it from opening properly.

My crime? Someone might have seen me.

This is really humiliating.

And slightly disgusting.

I have a hang up with seeing people on the toilet and vice versa. I know it’s not common for someone to really like that, but often couples or close friends sort of ‘get over it’ and do it if the situation demands.  

I can’t.  It makes my skin crawl.  Multiply it by 1000 if they are pooping.

He took every possible opportunity to force me to come in to the bathroom while he was taking a dump.  Be it he was out of tp or he just wanted to tell me something.  

He walked in on me a handful of times. I felt vulnerable and powerless most of the time, but never so much as those moments.

He knew this.  He knew I hated it so much.  He knew it would drive me to drink and that it actually made me cry once.   Even now I’m having to break to pace the floor.  But he thought it was funny.  He also liked that I’d have to smell his shit.

I am so angry.