Catch 22

Catch 22

"You can't find a decent paying job with your degree? I fucking told you not to go to university."

"You don't actually look though, you just pretend. You think Im stupid and will fall for your bullshit."

"I'm not like your parents and everyone else that fall for your sob stories. You're just fucking lazy."

"I told you to go into nursing. Why don't you ever fucking listen?!"

"Your degree is a joke. You told me when we met you wanted to go to law school. You mislead me."

"No you can't go back to school. You wasted enough of my fucking time."

“FIND A DECENT FUCKING JOB YOU USELESS CUNT!!!”

Here’s an idea:

(Sorry friends, this is an angry one)

Maybe you should fuck off trying to tell survivors how they should feel about their abusers.  Here’s a few reasons why: 

1. You don’t know shit about us or our stories.  

2. Your experience does not in any way dictate or predict the experiences of others.

3. Many survivors have been taught not to trust themselves. You are contributing to this problem with condescending advice that contradicts our instincts and mental health needs.

4.  The way we feel can change throughout the grieving/healing/recovery process. It’s confusing enough on its own; we don’t need your uninformed opinion further muddying the waters. We need to work this out.

5. Some of us can only move forward through forgiveness and reconciliation.  Some of us can only forge ahead fueled by our rage and hate.  Some of us fall somewhere in the middle.  These are all acceptable and reasonable.

6. Only we can decide what is best for us.  You do not know what is best for us.

I'm devolving. Again.

About 15 minutes ago i was alone and crying in a bar. I think I'm going to do all of us a favour and take this sack of wacko home.

I nearly did.

On Wednesday I had a flashback as I was walking into therapy.

It was the first few days of January in 2016 and he was confronting me about my transgressions. He had found a letter I had written to Rapist. I think I've told this story before, but reliving it this time made me drop like a tonne of bricks.

He asked what the deal was with Rapist and what he did to make me hate him so much.

I was cornered, so I told him. Telling anyone is hard, but telling someone who is unreservedly hostile and violent? He had just closed a door on my arm and kept pushing on it. It bruised purple immediately.

This was one of the hardest moments of my life ever.

After telling him I collapsed ( literally) into tears. He came over to me real gentle like as though he was going to comfort me. He whispered real softly and real close to my ear "you know, it would really make it better if you just killed yourself."

I felt his hot breathe on my ear on Wednesday.

His parents had a dog, and he was immeasurably sweet to her. In fact he was kinder to her than he ever was to me.