Who Would I Be If I Had Broken Up With Him The First Time He Cheated On Me? Fifteen Years Later I Can

Who would I be if I had broken up with him the first time he cheated on me?  Fifteen years later I can barely tell you who I was before I met him.

Silly things I was not allowed to keep on my person ( off the top of my head):

A hair elastic on my wrist.

A purse (but he'd be so angry if I wasn't wearing one and he needed me to hold his stuff.)

A jacket when he thought it was too warm.

A sweater when I said he kept the ac too high in the summer.

Sandals.

Things he required me to have:

Tame, managed hair in all potential scenarios.

A purse, but only when he needed me to hold something and I needed to anticipate that before we left. Somehow.

A jacket in case it got cool. He didn't want to have to hear me complain.

Money for the extra hydro bill in the summer when i made him turn the ac so low.

High heel sandals.

I wrote this post in the early weeks of freedom. Nearly three years later I'm still discovering new impacts of the damage.

Rinse, repeat.  Rinse, repeat.

I have started writing a number of my posts with “The worst thing about an abusive relationship is….” and then having to erase it because it isn’t true.  I can’t call this particular aspect or experience the worst thing.  It’s all the worst thing.

I wonder how I would handle the normal day to day stress of life he hadn't been manipulating me to distrust and hate myself in the formative years of my early adulthood.

Most people learn coping skills during those years; they figure out how to 'get on with it' in the face of challenges.

I don't have coping skills except for avoidance. Distraction. Or I sweat and visualize all the ways I'm going to screw this up or not have the skills to be successful.

I am defeated before I begin.

Was I always like this?

Because traumatized people often have trouble sensing what is going on in their bodies, they lack a nuanced response to frustration. They either react to stress by becoming “spaced out” or with excessive anger. Whatever their response, they often can’t tell what is upsetting them. This failure to be in touch with their bodies contributes to their well-documented lack of self-protection and high rates of revictimization and also to their remarkable difficulties feeling pleasure, sensuality, and having a sense of meaning.

“The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk

I just want to thank you for sharing your experience and recovery. I've been with my husband for 20 years. The marriage is sexless because of his refusal to take care of himself for years and years as well as he is emotionally and verbally abusive. He never hits me but sometimes will pretend that he is going to or throw things at me and humiliate me. I'm in therapy and trying to be strong and leave but I don't know how yet. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you. ❤️

You sent this to me ages ago and I didn't have it in me to respond at the time. I'm sorry for that. I am also sorry for your current circumstances. Abuse is abuse and you don't need to try to fit your experience on some sort of spectrum of terribleness. It's all terrible. You deserve so much better and only he can be to blame for his treatment of you.

Leaving is complicated and difficult. You're incredibly brave and unbelievably strong for considering it and contemplating the steps to make it happen. But if you're not ready yet, it's ok. Leave when it's right for you.

In the meantime, know that you are worthy, exactly as you are right now. You are important and not those awful things he and your brain try to tell you.

Thank you for messaging me. It was so good of you to reach out.

-EDG