Being Sick Is An Excuse: Episode 4

Being sick is an excuse: Episode 4

Perhaps not an illness, but he loved to praise my ability to operate when exhausted.

He took the fact that I could function on 2 - 3 hours of sleep as an invitation to push those boundaries.  For two years after my secrets had been divulged he said “It’s amazing you need so little sleep” and kept me at our his house until 4 am when I had to be at work for 9am.

I eventually lost that job (after I had officially cut ties thankfully) primarily because the HR department took my cry for help as an invitation to use my situation against me.  But I can’t deny that my serious and chronic lack of sleep affected my performance.

When I said as much, I was accused of pitting my stupidity at work on him.  I functioned just fine without sleep.  I was just making excuses.

I've started writing something. I don't know what it is yet beyond a story, but I'm pouring a lot of me into it.

I have a tendency to not finish projects, so it's unlikely that this will turn into anything. But I'll keep you posted.

Being sick is an Excuse:  Episode 3

I had mono about 9 years ago.  I was awake for 4ish hours a day, and just could not function for the rest.  He could have threatened me with a knife and I wouldn’t have woken up or moved.

I spent my 4 hours of consciousness taking care of him while he sat on his computer and played video games.  Cooked his dinner and lunches (I couldn’t swallow without immense pain, so I don’t think I ate?), did laundry, washed dishes, cleaned the bathroom, and then passed out.

Most people would help/comfort their partner.  Him? 

“Well if you’re going to be allowed to slack so much, you need to make up for it.”

It's been a while, but my ads are at it again. Love that I get to read some traumatic shit set up to be sexy romance. That's not damaging tomy mental health in any way...

@staff ????

If I had mono now, my woman would make me tea and soup, and watch movies with me in bed.  She’d tell me not to get up, that I need my rest, and help me take little walks when I started going stir crazy.

Your partner should be kind to you, and want you to be healthy and comfortable.  Don’t let your brain tell you otherwise. 

You deserve kindness, I promise.

Being sick is an Excuse:  Episode 3

I had mono about 9 years ago.  I was awake for 4ish hours a day, and just could not function for the rest.  He could have threatened me with a knife and I wouldn’t have woken up or moved.

I spent my 4 hours of consciousness taking care of him while he sat on his computer and played video games.  Cooked his dinner and lunches (I couldn’t swallow without immense pain, so I don’t think I ate?), did laundry, washed dishes, cleaned the bathroom, and then passed out.

Most people would help/comfort their partner.  Him? 

“Well if you’re going to be allowed to slack so much, you need to make up for it.”

I’d honestly forgotten about this blog until you liked some of my posts today. I went through it for a while and remembered how it made me feel a year ago—the feeling of solidarity and even some peace. For whatever it’s worth, one stranger to another, I appreciate the hell out of you. Thank you for reminding me that healing and love are possible after trauma. I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago, in a loving relationship with my own partner, but some days (like today) are still pretty tough. So again, thank you.

I try to go through the blogs of any likes I get in a vain attempt to stem the bot tide (oh my, is that ever an uphill battle I am losing). I don't know if you'd liked one of my posts or if I fell through a rabbit hole, but that's the process that led me to discover you. I stayed for a while because your content gave me the same feelings: solidarity, peace, and a reminder that healing is a continued mission that is challenging but worth it.

So I also appreciate the hell out of you, and I appreciate the the time you took to send a kind message. I'm so glad you're in a better place these days, and you have someone who treats you with the kindness and respect that you deserve.

I'm sorry your day wasn't a good one; We all know the "recovery is not linear" thing, but that doesn't make the bad days feel any less discouraging. I hope today feels at least a little different and you have some good things to surround yourself with. Take care of yourself, and feel free to reach out again if you ever get the inkling.

-EDG