Being Sick Is An Excuse: Episode 4

Being sick is an excuse: Episode 4

Perhaps not an illness, but he loved to praise my ability to operate when exhausted.

He took the fact that I could function on 2 - 3 hours of sleep as an invitation to push those boundaries.  For two years after my secrets had been divulged he said “It’s amazing you need so little sleep” and kept me at our his house until 4 am when I had to be at work for 9am.

I eventually lost that job (after I had officially cut ties thankfully) primarily because the HR department took my cry for help as an invitation to use my situation against me.  But I can’t deny that my serious and chronic lack of sleep affected my performance.

When I said as much, I was accused of pitting my stupidity at work on him.  I functioned just fine without sleep.  I was just making excuses.

I have gone 194 weeks without contacting him.

Unfortunately, I still think about him often, but everytime I do I try to remember to take a deep breath and focus on exhaling fully.

It releases my chest muscles; a thing that I could never do with him.

The memories I have of him and the abuse blur and refocus seemingly at random, so it can be difficult to consciously remember a specific thing at a given time.

But that feeling of my ribs being seemingly sewn shut endures and serves as the reference point for my progress.

It's been 194 weeks and I can breathe now.

If you need a wholesome and calming presence, may I introduce you to Quincy...

Or what?!

On rare occasions, I would take the tiniest step toward defending myself.

“Please don’t talk to me like that.”

The response was always the same.  

“Or what?!”

“Or nothing? Just don’t.”

He did not know how to navigate a world without threats.  I didn’t use a threat to establish a boundary and he interpreted that as a green light to continue the behaviour. He thought I offered nothing of value if I didn’t see it as something to withhold.

Don’t get me wrong here.  There are consequences for your actions, and repeated disrespect in a relationship probably should end in its termination. But a constant tit for tat situation is petty at best, and that’s not the type of partner I am.

So I never took that bait and I think I disappointed him with my response.  He had probably rehearsed a nasty retort to  “Or I’ll leave you” that he never got to use. Pity.

Never me.

Cried most of the day after work today. No idea why; jut a lot of weeping. But I've made a sizeable dent in the laundry I've been neglecting for the last month.

So... Solid D+ day I'd say.