Test One. D+

Test one. D+

So I saw him yesterday. He had a piece of mail for me. The dread and anxiety was heavy.

I was worried he was going to be charming or his sadness was going to melt the walls I have sweat blood to build.

That didnt happen.

I was just reminded how bad he makes me feel; that feeling in my chest that I hadn't felt it in weeks returned in full force. The feeling where I can't exhale or drop my shoulders from a defensive position.

I don't ever want to feel like that again. But I'm glad I felt it yesterday.

I do not want to be lured back in.

Next time I won't stay, as planned.

“A feminist would never do what you have done.  You have turned your back on that which you claim is so important to you.  How would other feminists react if they heard how you degraded yourself?  How would they feel if they knew that you make shitty money at a shitty job?  Aren’t you supposed to be an independent woman?   Then why are you in a position where you couldn’t make it on your own?  Why are you such a fuck up?"

I cannot help but feel I have betrayed feminism, and all the strong women in my life. A better woman would have left.  I am a disgrace.

c)

“Who have you been hanging out with?”

Can you take a hit to your person without calling out? How about to your heart?

A text message he sent me some time in 2016. I saved it in my notes as I switched phones in early 2017. I saved it at the time because it gave me hope that we would date again.