D)

d)

“I’m glad you haven’t completely lost your head.”

Stated after I mentioned I spent NYE watching HP with my mother, and far away from the types of things most people partake in - drinks, food, dancing, singing, midnight kisses, etc.

Shadows

Sometime in the last year I forgot myself and flashed him a defiant eye. He smacked me across my face. Not enough to leave a shiner, but hard enough for the sting to linger.

Blamed for my bruises

Every time he left a mark he became distraught. I would have to invest so much energy into consoling him - telling him it would be alright, I'd wear a turtleneck. No one would know.

He told me that he made calculated decisions about how hard to throw, squeeze, or hit and I was just too fragile.

Marks just showed up on my skin far too easy.

e)

“I keep hearing about those towels from my mom.”

“…you got…. everything.”

“I know.”

The xmas immediately before we separated his mother bought us towels ($100.00).  We had grey and white - he used the white, I used the grey.  So I took the grey ones with me when I left  he kicked me out.  He is stating that she’s lamenting the $40 of her xmas gift that I took with me. 

When I say that he got everything, I mean he got everything:  I walked away from the house that I contributed 50% to financially,  all of our furniture, dishes, kitchen utensils, soap dishes, bed sheets, groceries and our joint account.  He got all of it. 

And he’s saying this as though I should be writing a cheque to keep the peace between he and his mother - as if I owe him that.

Test one. D+

So I saw him yesterday. He had a piece of mail for me. The dread and anxiety was heavy.

I was worried he was going to be charming or his sadness was going to melt the walls I have sweat blood to build.

That didnt happen.

I was just reminded how bad he makes me feel; that feeling in my chest that I hadn't felt it in weeks returned in full force. The feeling where I can't exhale or drop my shoulders from a defensive position.

I don't ever want to feel like that again. But I'm glad I felt it yesterday.

I do not want to be lured back in.

Next time I won't stay, as planned.

I cannot help but feel I have betrayed feminism, and all the strong women in my life. A better woman would have left.  I am a disgrace.