56 -

56 -

Sometimes I look around and I wonder if everyone questions their sense of reality as much as I do.

I feel like something is about to crack.

60 -

I need to end today with something hopeful so here it is:

I think everything I need (to find happiness and fulfillment) may actually be within me….

Because I’m definitely in a low and I scrolled back to look over what I had written before, not sure what I was hoping for but then I found it….hope itself.

If I have been happy and sober before, I can do it again.

If I can believe in myself and the goodness of this life, I can believe again. That part of me doesn’t just disappear.

Honestly? I’m actually a pretty cool person outside of the drinking. I like to be people’s safe space.

Ok pause, sometimes I am actually extremely fun when drinking. Or is this the alcoholism talking *wink*

I just need to surrender and trust that. Trust my greater She. I told her to STFU for a few months - ouch I’m not perfect. Sorry girl, no hard feelings.

I will put my trust back in her.

One day at a time.

Okay. I can do this. Again. I have to.

62 -

Baby steps. No drink & no desire to drink.

Actually I’ve been craving a salad and yoga haha.

I’m trying to take it easy and slow. No grandiose expectations or promises

The only things I need to do right now are slow down, breathe deep & not drink.

Each day, a little better and brighter.

You can have the most horrible thoughts and the most horrible impulses and still do good. What's taking place inside your own head isn't what defines who you are

59 -

I went to the meeting. It was good. I was drunk for it but hey I showed up.

I got home safely, finally. We (not me, we) threw out all the hidden alcohol and had a hard conversation.

I called my mom and I told her what happened and I let her “mom” me.

I decided to take a leave of absence from school.

I made it through today. And I can go to sleep. I will not drink tomorrow.

I realize I was not putting my recovery first. I got a little cocky and a little arrogant.

I thought “I’m smarter than other addicts”

Ok like go with me on this thought because I know that no one except an addict will get this but let’s pretend we all do:

It’s one thing to be 18 and get high before work at Old Navy and hahaha it’s your funny little secret. No one knows and work was more fun today. Or to steal alcohol from Walmart and be all wild and silly and “omg I’m like sooOoo drunk”

It’s quite another thing when getting high means cold water extraction opiates. (So you can take more without killing your liver on the Tylenol portion. You know, the normal crack head shit. Duh?)

And what they don’t tell you when you decide to be a rebellious, misunderstood teenager - that that turns into knowing what liquor stores are open at 7am. Being too fucked up to drive so you have to order alcohol delivery. Finding a random pill on the sidewalk & trusting google then taking it. Stealing pills from friends, family - literally anyone. Knowing exactly how to drink in front of others and they have no idea - spiking “normal drinks” / dark water bottles. Driving drunk, like….all the time. Being so fucked up for so long that sobriety almost feels like its own sort of drug lol. Lying, making excuses, ignoring, not eating, not sleeping, developing acne, being unable to walk up stairs without being winded, bad hygiene, isolating, sleeping with whomever just to feel worthy, doing so much blow that the blinds moving gives you a panic attack, actually just like doing blow and licking the god damn bag for that last piece, getting kicked out of places, getting a dui (oh and still driving drunk on a suspended license), knowing the graveyard gas station guy on a first name basis, being on house arrest, having the person you love most tell you that you’re hurting them unintentionally, being unreliable, chaotic etc etc etc

So a year ago I started this online journal because I thought I was gonna do it. I was going to get sober and stay sober. Finally.

Well it didn’t quite play out that way. I only have myself to blame.

Here we fucking go again. Each day a little ….something but idk what that is to be honest.

55 -

Life trucks on.

I really struggled in June. Fell into a depressive episode that lasted almost the whole month. I missed half the days of school and I smoked weed to deal with how miserable I felt.

Normally I’d beat myself up about this. Another fucking setback.

Instead I’m choosing to remember that change does not happen overnight. It’s the little steps, sometimes tiny ones even, that add up over time.

I got on new meds for ADHD and depression and they seem to be helping significantly. I quit weed and now we are a sober potato all day long. I’m still in the early stages so I’m definitely feeling out of it, distracted, irritable, antsy, BORED!

But I keep reminding myself of the bigger picture.

It’s so god damn hard.

A cornerstone of my depression is lack of interest, in anything. I don’t know where it went but it’s been gone for some time. I want it back.

I want to wake up feeling optimistic, energized and ready to take on the world.

I’ve realized a lot of life is built on faith - in others, in myself, in good things coming. Faith is hard to develop when you’ve spent your whole life thinking the opposite. But I’m working on it.

As usual, I am a beautiful work in progress. Each day, a little better & brighter. And I have come so far already :)