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Day 1 again. Hi Day 1. We’ve become very good friends lately

I will not drink today. But I will take a shower and go on a walk and meet with my therapist.

I feel so all over the place.

a melt into each other type of love

Fortesa Latifi, from The Truth About Grief.

She has a charming nature; rather whimsical, and even sensual.

--Virginia Woolf

Franny Choi, from "I Guess By Now I Thought I’d Be Done With Shame"

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Random brain dump:

I am not great at school. Mostly because I struggle with consistency. In like…every aspect of my life. I’m smart, I test quickly & well. But I have a hard time staying focused, I get distracted & my sense of time is so warped. I think I walk around half disassociated all the time.

Also like…school is such a TASK *yawn*

So yes, I have ADHD.

I have been on a stimulant medication now for a few months At first, it turned the 10 channels in my head down to 2. The noise got quiet. It was amazing.

Now I think I’ve adjusted. I’m struggling again. I feel like I’m going crazy and have dementia at 30.

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I really wanted to impress my final teacher. And well, I don’t think I did. She’s tough.

Today though, she told me that I’ve really pulled it together the last few weeks with my focus and being present. She knows I care and is proud of me.

This is going to sound terrible but because I already feel insecure about her “liking” me, I don’t feel like this was genuine. I am having trouble accepting it.

^ there’s my bitchy little twit (BLT) of a trauma voice trying to convince me I suck.

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The pendulum swings between extremes before it reaches equilibrium. I’ve swung from a severe people pleaser to speaking my mind completely, anyone be damned.

Erm….it’s made a couple of things awkward. So like let’s hurry up and find my new comfort level with this.

I realized lately that while I may be all like “let me look deep into myself and come to terms with/embrace all of my shame and wear it proudly because that takes away its power to control me blah blah”- not everyone is there yet.

Whether they want to get there or not, how they get there, etc….none of my business.

I try really hard to stay in my own lane and worry about myself mostly. But it’s hard because I still feel the claws of my BLT trying to pull me back into the land of insecure misery lol

Sometimes I pretend I’m actually just an actor in a lifelong biopic and actually, it does help. Because then I realize how ludicrous almost everything is.

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My moral alignment is chaotic neutral and I feel like it really defines me and I’m not ashamed of it.

Having a solid sense of understanding and identity is my #1 priority right now.

Idk ya’ll. I think I may like myself. Uh oh…shit. I might get all healed and take over the world!!!!! Watch out

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A friend told me recently how he could see how I could be extremely easy to love but incredibly hard to deal with.

I was dying to ask for him to explain exactly what they meant and how/why he thinks this. Hi, I’m insecure.

But I held my tongue. Unsure as to why. Sense of pride or protection? I find myself holding in my thoughts much more frequently these days.

I guess subconsciously, I am more selective now about who I share myself with.

People are exhausting and honestly? I have worked/am working really hard to improve myself.

I will no longer give away pieces of myself with no regard or care.

Not sure what to make of it. I mean, he’s probably right. I can be a lot. Sometimes I swear I disassociate and I watch a version of me running full speed until my batteries run out

And all the while I’m banging on the glass like “Stop!!!!!!”

My brain hurts often.

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I will try to stay positive and breathe through the tough moments.

Made it through Day 1. Again.